Just being honest...

Last November I had the immense privilege of attending a symposium of like-minded worship artisans from around the US, Australia and Canada with my friend Erin.  It was such a joy for me to get to meet Dan Wilt  face-to-face, my online instructor in these rich courses I've been moving through on worship theology and history and spiritual formation.  If you've been reading my blog for long, you know how much they have impacted me and how highly I recommend them.  You can't go wrong in signing up for these courses.  Go to www.worshiptraining.com and to find out more.

Anyway, so I got to meet Dan in person and a myriad of other amazingly beautiful and talented people.  I came away with heart full and a slew of new forever-friends.

It was not without its challenges however.

Ever been in a room full of people who you feel are way better than you could ever hope to be?

That's a bit what it was like for me.  I haven't said this out loud here before, but there were more than a few moments where I felt a tad intimidated.

I guess God prepared me for that moment by living with Lee, the most humble, talented person on the planet.  That's what these folks are like: humble and talented.

It's the humble that kept me there, pressing in, instead of withdrawing into a cave of insecurity.

There was a moment when all of this amazing music was swirling around me by these amazing singer/songwriter/recording artists (among other things, but this was the talent that was surfacing in the moment), and I could feel myself sliding into a dark-ish place of discouragement and insignificance as I looked at the joy on their faces as they expressed their God-given artistic expression with abandon...wishing I could jump in and join with as much confidence and joy.

And I knew then, as I know now, that any offering I might choose to bring to the party would be welcomed and embraced.  And I knew that all I had to do was stand up and offer something, but in that moment, I couldn't break through the overwhelming thought that my offering was too paltry to express in that moment.  I just didn't feel talented enough or gifted enough.

But really, my heart didn't feel loved enough.

There, I said it.

Let me reiterate: it wasn't because the love wasn't in the room or hadn't been generously expressed.

It was because my fear and insecurities kept my heart small and unable to receive that love, acceptance, and encouragement that would have propelled me to open my heart and share.

In those moments of feeling small and insignificant and insecure, God and I often have a conversation that goes something like this:

Him: What's going on?
Me: Um, nothing.
Him: Why aren't you moving out in your giftings?
Me: They're so much better than I am.
Him: Didn't I tell you to be obedient with your stick figures? 
Me: (Sigh) Yes.  But it's so hard when there are all these masterpieces all around me. 

As long as I can remember I've wanted to be an artist, both in the visual arts as well as the music arts.  Several years ago, while reading Waking the Dead by John Eldridge, God opened my eyes to see that desire as being a desire He had placed in my heart.  And He nudged me into the process whereby I began taking art lessons and accruing adequate art supplies and attending art conferences which has more recently broadened to include guitar lessons and worship/songwriting courses and going to this symposium.

He told me to hone my craft and then began to highlight which craft.  He keeps telling me over and over and over what He's created me for.  And with the telling and the re-telling, I get more freedom and more expression and more courage.  It's a journey, a step-by-step process in which I hold onto His hand and He leads.

And last November, He landed me in a room of people so full of talent any concert venue would not have done justice to the hearts and lives lived out in integrity through their craft.  And He wanted to see what I would do, how I would react or, rather, respond.

I didn't hide, so I guess I passed the "test."  I didn't jump out there either, evidence that I need more healing in my heart so I can grown in confidence in being all that God has created me to be.  I need Him to show me where this lie of insignificance and intimidation is rooted.

I want to be free to offer up my expression in whatever form it might take no matter what the talent-level in the room might be.

So thanks to my Wild Pear Creative buddies for being who God has created you to be and for allowing Him to use you to sharpen those around you.  You inspire, challenge, and maybe intimidate me just a little bit ;-)

And here's a special treat so you can hear what I'm talking about...head over to noisetrade for a free download.

~peace

some links for you to peruse and perhaps you might find a new favorite artist...

http://noisetrade.com/goodmorning
http://dunnandwilt.com
http://www.garrettviggers.com/home.htm
http://noisetrade.com/seancarter
http://www.shericarr.com/sc/
http://krismacqueen.com/index.php/the-psalms
http://erinblinn.com/
http://leeharbaugh.com

Judge or Love?

"We are not satisfied being God-like in our capacity to love; we also want to become God-like in our capacity to judge, which is how the serpent tempts us.  but in aspiring toward the atter, we lose our capacity for the former, for unlike God, we cannot judge and love at the same time." 

Gregory Boyd, Repenting of Religion, 68.

How this quote comes back to me time and time and time again. 

I was not created to bear the weight of judge and yet how often do I take it on, subtly at times, more blatant at others.  This is wrong.  That is right.  This is good.  That is evil.

And I know that I have to make that decision for myself and guide my children in the way they should go.  But when I enter into that with others, particularly in my head, the root cause is usually I'm feeling a little insignificant and, somehow, finding something "wrong" with someone else, makes me not feel so "wrong" about myself.

The problem is - and it is huge, huge, huge - is that I cannot, completely am not capable, of judging and loving at the same time.  I was not given that capacity.  It's either one or the other.

God gave me the job to love.  Love as He has loved me.  Love as I love myself.  Love so that those who don't yet know Him take notice and wonder what's up.

One day at Six Flags a couple of years ago, I was waiting for my family at the end of a ride.  Watching people, it took a few minutes before I caught my thoughts and took them captive.  But here's the essence of what was in my head:

"top too revealing"
"shorts too short"
"I can't believe her parents let her out of the house like that"
"such inappropriate behavior"

And on and on until I realized I was judging.  Sad thing is at that time in my life, that was my auto-pilot.

Sad. sad. sad.

Glad, though, that I had heard a teaching or maybe even been reading in this book I quoted above because I stopped myself and said, I wonder what would happen if instead I thought/spoke blessing over each person as they pass in front of me...

Radical change.  I'm talking the atmosphere in my head shifted dramatically and instead of judgements filling my head and heart, I felt love and life and joy begin to well up within me as I began to bless each person and then get the heart of the Father for them and in an instant I began to see them, if only in part, as God does.

Judge or love?

I know from far too many experiences that judging just does not bring life.  In fact, quite the opposite.

Love, however, while costly and oftentimes painful, is life-giving and redemptive and partners with God in the way He originally intended humanity to interact with each other and all of creation. 

It's baby steps.

~peace

Peace to a stormy heart

I wake with heart stormy like the gathering clouds.  I ask the Lord if this is what it’s supposed to be like after a weekend at a prayer retreat.  He gently responds that He has given me a tool and I need to use it.

Thanksgiving.

Why am I so slow to remember?  These are not hard circumstances, just busy and a bit chaotic.  I must get this discipline grooved deeper in my life. 

It has to become my default mode else more mornings will be like this one with short tongue and critical eye and tone fighting to stay civil and not unleash the turbulence rolling inside.

Yes, they could be neater.  And, yes, they could be more respectful, and, yes, they could be more…perfect…but in allowing turbulence to define my perspective I am losing the pleasing aspects so evident in each one if I would but take a moment to pause and look.

Sparkling blue eyes, quick smile, tender heart this gentle giant of mine.

Creativity manifest, steadfast heart, diligent hands this my oldest child.

Bubbling joy, desire to please, loves to organize this my messy one.

Open smile, bright eyes, love of learning this the youngest girl.

Fashionista, artistic eye, teachable teacher my number three.

Disciplined, determined, deep my fourth born.

Then there’s my husband…who took on kids and schedules and rides and produce so I could go away for weekend and then helped with smoothie-making this morning and silly me had to fight to see what had happened (which was plenty) instead of what hadn’t.

And my heart settles and the inconvenient messes fade to the background as I swell with love thankfulness for these precious gifts I could hardly see before for all the noise inside.

Thanksgiving has quieted that raucous clamor that vied to keep my eyes on what wasn’t happening instead of what was.

This continual focus on lack is a deep groove in my life and it is causing me to MISS OUT on so much goodness God is pouring out right before my eyes.  He doesn’t want me to miss it.  He knows if I slow down to see, really see, my heart will calm and the Reality of His Presence will take its proper place next to the reality of my circumstances. 

As messy as they may seem, they are nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing…not even the size and substance of a speck of dust, next to the tiniest drop of God’s goodness in my life.

And I have way more than a drop.

God is good…all the time.  Go check out Ann Voskamp’s blog for ideas of what 3 gifts you can be on the lookout for each day in March.  And read today's post over there while you're at it.  She's taught me so much about this need to see and looks like she's blogging about it today too ...

~peace

Perfect vs. Pleasing

"It doesn't have to be perfect.  It just has to please God."  ~woman at Summit Church

Such a simple two sentences, and yet truth so profound it catches me, giving me pause.

So many things to juggle.  Almost ceaseless activity and noise.  Quiet hours are few, and I'm sleeping most of those.

And this new way of living life is hard, and I'm bent towards perfection.

But He is straightening me out, vertebrae by vertebrae, until I stand erect, free, unemcumbered by the weight of doing something perfectly.

Perfect...an arbitrary measure when all the measure I need is His pleasure.

He's pointing me towards a lifestyle directed completely by His voice...like Jesus, you know. 

“I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does." ~Jesus

This undoing of lists and routines and schedules and this developing of new patterns and disciplines is hard.  It has the potential to unleash great amounts of anxiety within me...but only if I strive for perfection instead of moving to please Him.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

The pattern of this world spins frenzy and panic as if they were the drugs of choice, creating an atmosphere of frantic activity where we compare lists and events and activities as if we have no choice and we sigh and we moan and we curse the busyness as if it had control over us and not us over it.

But I do.  Have a choice, I mean.  I can choose transformation through getting God's thoughts about me and my life instead of drinking the world's koolaid and obsessing over the perfect _________ (you fill in the blank) where my thoughts get tied up in wondering if it really is "good enough" instead of asking Him if it's pleasing.

He says that He has life for me, not just any life, but abundant life...life full of joy and peace and love and righteousness and everything He is.

So how do I do His good, pleasing and perfect will?

Good question.  I'm working on it.  Don't have it all figured out.  Won't have it all figured out, but one thing I do know is that it pleases Him when I trust Him.  It pleases Him when I listen to Him.  It pleases Him when I turn over all my anxiety and cares and worries to Him. It pleases Him when I believe what He says about me and what He says about Himself.  It pleases Him when I rest.

It pleases Him when I speak to my children in kind and gentle tone and give hugs and correct gently and love generously and live abundantly.  It pleases Him when I give thanks and when I worship and when I spend time with Him just because.

Does it please Him when I fold the laundry?  I don't think He cares WHAT I'm doing it as much as He cares HOW I'm doing it.

I jokingly told my friend the other day that she could send her mother-in-law over to my house and then maybe I would have motivation to get it clean.  She laughed and said, "Oh no!  There's so much freedom here."

Freedom.  That's it right there.

Free to be.  Free to live.  Free to love.

Free to not do anything perfectly or to even try to get it perfectly. 

I just get to please Him.

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, ¹⁸ because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men."  Romans 14:17-18

~peace

Significance

You are not insignificant.  Or better said...

You ARE significant.  Everything you do is.  Everything you are is.  Everything about you is.

Why?

If for no other reason, it is because you bear the image of the God of the universe.

You bear His seal, His stamp of approval, His "Yep, that one over there, see her?  I made her.  Isn't she amazing?  And that one sitting there?  Him too. I made him.  Isn't he wonderful?  Oh...oh...that one...see that one running back behind that bush?  Yep...My creation.  Marvelously, wonderfully made.  All these folks you see around you here and there and over there...everyone...guess what?  Fearfully made.  Like, I took serious time with each one and thought about each unique characteristic that each would bear and how they would reflect Me and make creation sing with joy and abandon.  I put all this potential in each one.  There is nothing more valuable in all of creation to Me."

So,  next time that dark whisper mocks you and tells you that what you do or who you are isn't significant, tell it to go to hell, back where it belongs.

Because you, my friend, are full of God amazing goodness just waiting to burst out on the scene and transform the world.

YOU. ARE. SIGNIFICANT!

~peace

Struggle

One of my greatest struggles as a parent is not rescuing my children from consequences.

I want them to be happy.

I want them to be able to do the fun thing we had planned today.

But, yesterday, I set the expectation of what would have to happen in order for fun thing to happen.  Some worked hard, stayed on task, and got 'er dun.  Some did not.

Those that did fortunately include the one child with driver's license who is able to take those who did to do fun thing.  Those that did not get to stay home with mom.

Sad day.

I wanted to say, oh well, you can just finish this afternoon.

And then everyone would be happy and go have fun, but then what have I actually done for the long run?

Sabotage.

So this morning, I did the hard thing and let consequences happen, and tears are falling (yes, even mine), but maybe next time (since this time the hard, but necessary happened) we'll all get to go have some fun because, instead of short-circuiting the discipline process, I leaned in and let it run its course.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

~peace

"1st World" Problems

I know that's all I have.  Unfolded clean laundry in laundry baskets washed by a washing machine is definitely a "1st world" problem.  And, truthfully, it is not really a problem.  More along the lines of an inconvenience.

My daughter was in a play "Everything I Learned I Learned in Kindergarten," and one of the sketches portrayed a young man working the night shift with an older gentleman who had survived the holocaust.

The young man was complaining ad nauseum about the cafeteria food and how the cost was being taken out of his paycheck and on and on and on.  The older gentleman finally stopped him and essentially said: You need to learn the difference between inconvenience and problem.  They are not one and the same.

Me too.

There's this sense of entitlement in my life that says that I am "owed" a certain level of living and if I don't get that level of living then my rights are being violated and, by golly, somebody is going to pay (or get sued since that seems to be the route to go these days).

In my sister's Starbuck days, she told a story of a woman who ordered a hot drink, went to her Mercedes, spilled it, and then came in and yelled at my sister.  What?

And I point to that woman and say to myself, Who does she think she is anyway?  And there I've gone and judged her for what I, mostly subconsciously, do everyday...think that somebody must owe me for the trouble I go through...somebody is to blame (not me).

Trouble?  Do I really have that much trouble in my life?

If I had the extra time I'd scoot over to Merriam Webster's site and get the definition and show the difference between trouble and inconvenience, but I get what I mean and hopefully you will too.

Spilled coffee in a car, unfolded clean laundry, house not picked up because we own too much STUFF, frayed vacuum belt, broken bowl, children crying, interruptions, etc...I can't even think of what I might have on a normal basis that would even come close to being a problem in the real sense of the word.

Now, I'm not belittling how I feel about these things.  God doesn't weigh my angst against someone else's who has literal war going on all around them.  He sees and cares about my individual needs and circumstances as He sees and cares about those of someone living in a war-torn country.

But there's no guarantee that I'll always just have inconveniences.  In fact, there is the reality that I will have trouble at some point...(and I have had trouble, just not today and not really daily for quite some time now).

I better stop wasting time.  I better take advantage of this time to get thanksgiving as a lifestyle ingrained within me so that when true trouble shows up in my day, I'm not scrambling.  Well, I may scramble, but if I've worn the groove of thanksgiving deep enough, I will, hopefully...eventually, fall into that groove.

Just to be clear, I'm not afraid of the future (mostly).  I'm not thinking that trouble is just around the corner, but since Jesus said that in this life I will have trouble, I do know it is going to happen.

And I won't be surprised when it comes.  I won't be unprepared because today and tomorrow and then next day I am going to continue to practice this discipline of giving thanks in everything, albeit somewhat imperfectly.

~peace