Imperfect blogging

It's better than no blogging.  Or maybe no blogging is better.

Whatever the opinion is, I'd rather get back to it. It makes me happy, even if no one ever reads what's here. 

I write in my head all the time.  If someone created an accessible device that turned thought into written word, I'd be golden.  As it is, those blogs float in the stratosphere of thoughts.

What keeps me from blogging (or doing anything, really, that I'd like to do)?

Perfectionism.

I have to find the perfect moment with the perfect amount of silence with the perfect amount of time and the perfect words to create the perfect thought.

Sigh.

And I thought I was done with it.

I don't even fold my laundry these days because there's no perfect time to do it.  I might get a pair of socks folded before I get interrupted or distracted or need to leave or have to check email and Facebook.  And one pair of folded socks a perfectly folded basket of laundry does not make.

Probably, if I sat and folded for every minute I spend on email or Facebook, I'd have been done and then some days ago.  As it is, the clean unfolded laundry sits in baskets for going on two weeks now.

But I have cooked dinner and I have played games and I have done something fun like take kids to see a movie one Saturday afternoon.  I've hugged and kissed children small and not-so-small.  I've made bread and granola (I'm really proud of that one for some reason).  I got our newest vehicle aquisition inspected.  I've attended skits and played Twister and watched Mission Impossible (the original series).  I've procrastinated more times than I'd like to admit over cleaning off  my desk and writing a 1000 word essay that was "due" last year (or maybe the year before?).

There's something the Lord is doing here, though, and I try not to miss it, try not to look so much at what I haven't done and see what I have...however small...however insignificant.  Because for so long, I only saw what I didn't get done and, invariably, carried along with me an underlying feeling of failure.  And I've tried to use "not going to fail again today" as a motivator for getting stuf done.  It may work for a while, but it's not working for me now.

Only makes me want to go back to bed.

So God's been working on me to talk about what I have done and trust that what I haven't done or the messes that still sit messy can be worked out for my good by the only One who really knows what good is.

I'm trusting that somewhere in these messes that I can't seem to get to and these ideas that I can't nail down and the hard drive crashing and backlog of projects and decisions left hanging and papers that need grading and new things that still keep coming that want or need my attention...Somewhere in all of this unorganized meandering that has become my life, God is setting me free and recalibrating my default mode and teaching me about being over doing.

Being over doing.  Loving over judging.  Laughing over correcting.  Smiling over stern face.  Talking in unhurried tone, communicating love and grace instead of demanding control and a perfect existence for things to be ok.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the knots are unraveling and freedom is resting and new life is happening...

And so maybe blogging will too.

Not sure about the laundry.