Come to the Chamber

Dispelling the Myth

2011-12-13T07:52:00.002-06:00

I am not SuperMom.

I mean...I am super and I am a mom, but I am not SuperMom. You know, the woman who flies around with a cape, does everything with a smile and has boundless energy.

Most days, I concentrate on what is the next thing I need to do and how I'm going to get there with the least amount of energy spent so that I can fall into bed at night, wondering how I got so little done. I do try to do it all with a smile and a kind word to all those around me, but ... well, sometimes I don't do so well with that. My buttons get pushed. I forget to be thankful. I have so many small interruptions that frequently I feel so scattered and discombobulated I can't even move the muscles on my face into anything other than a look of sheer frustration.

And while I am working on that and I'm learning to do things from a thankful heart rather than an overwhelmed-by-life attitude, I am still not SuperMom.

It doesn't happen as often as it used to now that we got rid of "the punisher" (subject for another post), but I have yelled at my kids. And interestingly enough, since we got rid of that same thing, my house has gotten messier.

But here's the deal, I hear a lot from other women: "I don't know how you do all that you do."

I don't either, but I do know that it's not because I am SuperMom. Truth be told, I don't know how you do all that you do either. Know why? Because I am not supposed to know. I'm only supposed to be able to do what God has told me to do, not what you are doing.

And there's this jealousy and comparison thing that is rampant among women, Christian or not, and it is eating our lunch. It keeps us from connecting deeply and keeps us in a constant state of self-examination/self-deprecation that's neither healthy nor godly.

You see, God says to each of us: "Who have I called you to be today?" but if we're so busy looking at others to try to figure out who/what/why about ourselves, we are going to miss out on the greatest, most glorious, most fulfilling adventure on this planet: bringing God the most glory by being fully alive, fully engaged, fully the individual that God has created each of us to be.

I've suffered from this. I still suffer from it, less than I used to, but it still crops it's ugly head up.

But I'm determined to fight this thing off. I've decided that when jealousy whispers in my ear I'm going to ask Papa God what is it I'm lacking confidence in that He's wanting to speak to me about. I've decided that when I see someone gifted and talented in something where I feel I lack I'm going to bless that image-of-God-shining-through moment in her and quit wondering why I can't be more like that.

It is good to have role models, and it is good to look up to people and desire to emulate virtuous traits we see. It is not ok, though, to feel less-than or less-gifted or less-talented or less-amazing when we see the glory of God shining in someone's life.

You know that's what it is, right? Those things you admire in other women are glimpses into who God is as revealed in each one's unique expression. So when we walk in jealousy and comparison, we are missing opportunities to worship God for His goodness, His beauty and creativity, displayed through His creation.

Yikes.

Next time you see another woman (or, if you're a man reading this, apply it to your own issues with other men or encourage your wife or girl friends in this) and feel the urge to criticize her or yourself for not being more like her ask God these questions: "God, how is Your glory being displayed in her life? What characteristic of Yourself are You revealing to me through her?" and then worship. Worship God for Who He is and how He's created her to display His glory in this moment and time. Then ask Him, "God, how do I display Your glory best? What characteristic of Yourself are you revealing to others through me?"

I can't wait to hear what He tells you.

How am I going to make it in the busy days ahead?

2011-12-11T23:10:00.001-06:00

That is, essentially, what I asked God this morning. And this was His reply:

Thanksgiving is going to be the key to staying in close connection with Me. Thanksgiving positions you to hear My voice and to receive My direction in every situation. Remembering past exploits and giving thanks bring your thoughts, that stray so easily, into alignment with Me.

Give thanks. And again I say, Give thanks!

For your light and momentary troubles are working for you a righteousness that outshines the s-u-n and releases in you the brilliance of the S-O-N.

Thanksgiving paves the way to a life continually lived out in My presence. Enter My gates with thanksgiving and My courts with praise. Thanksgiving gets you in the gate and helps you get in touch with the greater reality of Who I am in your situation.

Thank Me for the air you breath. Thank Me for the song you sing. Thank Me for the clothes you wear and the shoes on your feet and the food on your table and the abundance of My blessing that you have not seen yet.

Don't turn your gaze from Me. Keep words of thanksgiving in your heart. And on your lips...thanksgiving. When you focus on your lack or on what I have not done yet, you throw up a wall around your heart that keeps you from receiving the strength I have for you in trying times and severely limits your ability to see the truth of Who I am in your life.

Knowing who I am will give you renewed perspective on the wind and waves in your life. You will no longer fear them or shrink into self-pity and victimization. No - through the discipline of a lifestyle of thanksgiving, you will rise above every circumstance in your life.

You will stand on top of every wall of defeat and despair and discouragement and depression, and you will see My hope rising on you, and you will know the hope to which I have called you. You will bask in the light of My glorious presence, of My Son, and you will rest, and you will know that I am God and that your problems are nothing compared to the Solution that you already carry within you: My precious and powerful Holy Spirit.

That same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive and active in you to bring you to a place of hope where there is no hope, a place of peace where there is no peace, a place of dwelling continually in My Presence through a life lived in perpetual thanksgiving which keeps you always aware of Who I am, what I have done, what I am doing and builds strength and faith in you to wait patiently and expectantly for the things I have yet to do.

Labyrinth

2011-12-04T15:19:00.001-06:00

Cold. Windy. Leaves dance over lawn of stately, majestic, academic stone buildings. Aged window panes reflect retreating light.

I enter the prayer labyrinth, my hands tucked deep into pockets, and I begin to pray, to center myself as I walk to find The Center.

Others join me in silence, spaced out along the path, each one entering his/her own secret place with God. We crunch leaves beneath our feet.

I glance around, wondering if I'm doing this right. I remind myself that maybe there is no "right" way and continue on. Clumps of leaves obscure the path boundaries, so I kick at them, looking for embedded bricks that shape the way.

Pausing, I attempt to empty thoughts except to remember, to thank.Continuing on, the path turns outwards instead of inwards as I am expecting. A sliver of doubt pierces the peace within. I turn around, thinking perhaps I've missed the path somehow. But, no, there the bricks that shape the way mark the path, an outward turn.

A deep breath.

Another pause.

Steps to continue on this path that is taking me to The Center in unexpected turns in then out.

Each time the turn goes inward, I breath an inward sigh of relief. I know the point is to go deeper in, and assurance that I'm led aright strengthens in my heart.With each outward turn, the doubt returns. This feels somehow incorrect. It's deeper in, not farther out, I need to go to find The Center.

Insecurities rise.

I look around at others on the path, hoping to gain some insight into how to do this right.

And then a whispered word to me, "Why do you doubt the path before you?"

"I doubt because it's not right. I'm supposed to be going further in, not further out. I must've done something wrong. I think I missed a turn back there or crossed a boundary line obscured by leaves and grass," I reason.

"Who says going out is not also going in?" the gentle reply comes.

And then I see the doubt and worry, energy squandered when trust was required.

The revelation of the labyrinth of life that wanders in and wanders out and each inward pass I perceive as "right" and each outward one is perhaps erroneously marked as "wrong."

I start to smile; this analogy of life comes unexpected. All this time the outward turns have brought fear and doubt of something wrong. I've turned back, retraced steps to find the place where I belong. And usually, with time and toil, another inward turn arrives.

I think, "Ah, I've found the way again" but maybe, just maybe the path was beneath my feet all along. I just thought out was bad and in was good.

A shift in thinking now occurs.

The inward times are equipping times, new tools released and strategies defined for coming seasons in my life.

The outward times are for walking out, for one must pass outward again to use and strengthen new tools in hands.

And then my feet reach the center of prayer labyrinth and I smile to find The Center. I breathe a sigh of relief. Unexpected lesson in this short journey brings words of praise and thanksgiving to my lips.

I stand and marvel, now freer, now bursting, now more peace, now more resting.

How thankful am I to have this story, a rock of remembrance in my heart. This spiritual journey of mine mirrored in this ancient design. I hope to remember in this life-long journey to The Center to trust the steps leading out are bringing me inward just like the ones leading in.

Scarritt Bennet Labyrinth

The rest of the story...

2011-11-02T06:50:00.000-05:00

To read the story of how we met, got engaged, etc. you can click through these links.
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The rest of the story (or at least the part that's being written) can be found at my other blog .

for 17 years: the big day...i-10

2011-10-01T09:00:00.003-05:00

August 6th dawned bright and clear, preceded by a fun night with family and friends at our rehearsal dinner, preceded by all manner of showers and parties to equip us with tools to build a home and a life together.

We had premarital counseling with our pastor and an elder couple in our church. We went to an Engaged Encounter weekend through the Catholic Diocese of Dallas. We're actually not Catholic but had heard really good things about the marriage preparation weekend offered by the Catholic Church. I recommend it to every engaged couple I meet. So, so good.

We made it through the planning and the preparation and now were at the moment of execution.

Yep, that's right --- execution. The death of our old lives, our singleness, our selfish ways of living...

We had family and friends from out of town. I even had friends from my heartland of Spain attend, so we had a bi-lingual service, incorporating the help of my Puerto Rican friends.

The service itself was beautiful...so many people cooperating to make our day special - from the music to the flowers to the food...each part was a personal reflection of our lives and the people who loved us.

The best part of the service was when Lee sat down at the piano to play our song. Reminding the crowd that we were now married and that this was now a party (!), he played out the melody and sang to me as I stood by his side.

Then he rose, took my hand, and off we went down the aisle, now husband and wife.

After a flurry of pictures, we were off to the reception where we were greeted and loved on by our many guests. The food was good, the cake magnificent, and I was married to the best man in the whole world. It couldn't get much better than that.

Then finally the time came for us to depart in our blue Chevy pick up, decorated in typical fashion w/ shoe polish and streamers. Rice was thrown, more pictures taken, and with a wave, we were off to begin our new life together.

Next: married life
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for 17 years: wedding details...i-9

2011-09-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

So, we set the wedding date for August 6th and began to get down to details.

Groomsmen and bridesmaids to notify. Colors to choose. A dress to find. Food. Cake. Photographer. Invitations. Guest list. Music. Musicians. Other participants.

I also needed to finish school and graduate. Funny how all of my classes suddenly lost priority and I got my first B in Spanish. Sheesh. The things love will do to a girl. ;-)

Our parents were great. My mom helped me endlessly, making phone calls, tracking down reception food, setting up appointments, helping me make decisions, etc. Lee's mom made our pew bows - huge, beautiful bows that took lots of time and patience to make. Our dads did the dad thing and handed us the checkbook. Ha!

[Interestingly, both sets of parents celebrated 25 years of marriage the year we got married. That seemed like such a long time back then. Now it is within sight which also means one of our children could have a wedding going on in not too many years...Help!]

Lee decided to compose the bulk of the music for our wedding - processional, recessional, etc. His buddies from trombone choir played the song for me to walk down the aisle to and other musically talented friends played a piece for woodwind quartet. Lee opted to play the song he wrote for me himself (the highlight of the wedding, to be sure!).

I don't remember too many stressful moments leading up to our big day. There was some tension when we went to register...Lee thought we should register for a computer and be done with it...forget the china and towels and bedding and household items. I adamantly vetoed that idea.

Next: the big day
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...we resume your regularly scheduled program

2011-09-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

Wow. I did not expect blogging to get derailed for so long. My apologies to those of you waiting with baited breath for the next installment of the Lee-Heather story ([i-1] [i-2] [i-3][i-4] [i-5] [i-6] [i-7]). I'll get right back to that.

We had a delightful 17th anniversary celebration in Austin - dinner at Zocalos followed by dessert on the roof of the flagship Whole Foods store ending with a walk down 6th street where we were stopped and asked to please dance "the Bernie" for a video scavenger hunt...

Then a week at Laity Lodge Family Camp where we relaxed and reconnected as a family while enjoying the Frio River Canyon and all the fun that family camp just is. (Red-Neck Games? Heck, yeah!)

Upon our return from camp, Lee's mom took a real downturn. We knew that her health was deteriorating rapidly and that we might even get a call during camp. But she held out until we got back. Suzanne got to watch a few Shirley Temple clips with her. We sang hymns to her, prayed over her, and said our good-byes...not sure which day would be our last with her.

Finally on Wednesday, August 17th, she peacefully stepped out of here and into the arms of Jesus. The kids and I had stopped by earlier that morning as the hospice nurse had alerted Lee to a change in breathing that indicated the time of her passing was most likely hours away. We cried as we prayed one last time with her, holding her hand and reeassuring her once again of our love for her.

Then we went swimming.

It's strange, but that is indeed where we went. Heavy hearts, wondering if maybe we should have stayed, but kids have a way of helping life to keep moving, so live we did.

On our way home, Lee called. Said it was over. Lee, his brother, his sister, and his dad were all with her as she slipped away. She was surrounded by those she loved most.

Thus began the next stage of grief. We had all been grieving for quite some time as she gradually lost mobility and memory. But there's just something about the finality of death. Lee and I both remarked that while we knew intellectually, short of a miracle, she was not ever going to recover to her former self, it wasn't until she died that we realized that we had held a bit of hope that she just might.

We had lots of family time together...telling stories, laughing, planning her service, remembering, connecting and reconnecting.

We miss her.

So, next post will be the continuation of our story, but to close I leave you with the eulogy I had the honor of giving at my mother-in-law's memorial service:

Bonnie Sue Stulken Harbaugh, or GeeMa as the grandkids affectionately call her, was one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever known and I am so blessed to have had her as my mother-in-law.

I know that there are many mother-in-law horror stories, but I have none of those to tell. You see, if Bonnie was anything, she was gracious and hospitable to all who had occasion to cross her doorstep. Whether it was Sunday dinner or a Thanksgiving meal or Christmas Day, she had a knack for making you feel welcomed, loved and part of the family. She wanted everyone to feel included and that most often happened in her kitchen and around her table.

I remember one of the first times I went over for Sunday dinner. She fixed a roast with potatoes and carrots, probably green beans with dill, maybe a jello salad, and some sort of delicious dessert coupled with Blue Bell ice cream…funny, when we were sitting around this week talking about our memories of Bonnie, many of them revolved around the food she would serve: buckeyes, More, Bagel Bites, Pizza, trash, popovers, cornbread dressing…

She loved to have people over. She loved to celebrate birthdays, holidays, and normal days. Even when she worked 12 hour days, she still delighted to host gatherings and knew which foods were must haves and was sure to carve out time to make them from scratch. She always had a yellow notepad with her list of things to do and the timeline carefully noted in her neat handwriting, so that each detail would be taken care of.

Time and time again she demonstrated a life of selfless giving. I watched first as she loved her sons, encouraging them in their interests (well, mostly – I think bull riding as a career stretched her a bit), embracing their friends and welcoming all of us into her home with open arms, welcoming me into her heart as she realized I was the special someone in her son’s life.

I watched her as she made 40+ bows, loop after loop formed by hands already tired from a day of wrapping gifts and making bows for customer’s packages. These bows beautifully adorned the pews on our wedding day.

I watched her as she cared for her sister, quick to be by her side no matter what. I watched her love her father, inviting him to live with them as it became necessary for him to not live alone anymore.

I watched her love her husband, working side-by-side with him for countless hours, miming turning the volume knob when he was getting a little loud (although the Harbaughs really only know one volume), always respecting, always loving, always kind, always gracious, nary a contrary word between the two.

I watched her faithfully, graciously serve the customers at the mail store, wrapping each gift with great care and artistic flare, carefully typing documents, patiently explaining cost of shipping and time til delivery. I watched her serve the kind ones and the not so kind ones (the ones that came in at closing and wanted their packages wrapped and shipped yesterday) without so much of a complaint or negative word about them.

I watched her fall in love with each grandchild that came into her world. With each pregnancy of mine, she would exclaim her joy at adding another grandchild and told me she would always welcome more. I never felt criticized or judged, though oftentimes the choices for our family were different from what she knew or grew up with. She embraced me the same way she embraced her own, always treating me as a daughter…not just a daughter-in-law.

She loved carrying on the Friday night pizza tradition with her grandkids. She encouraged each one with words and actions, always seeming to know which little toy from her run to the grocery store would be successful with the grandkids. She understood the importance of every child having a gift to open at birthday parties – not just the birthday child. She would get down on the floor and play with the kids or read to them. She let them take turns spending the night, serving fun snacks like cheezits with marshmallows, putting a little bell by the bed so that she could be summoned if something was needed during the night.

I watched as her health began to decline and she needed more and more assistance with everyday tasks. I watched as care givers would perform the most private of tasks and she would thank each one for their ministrations. Even when speaking became more difficult, it was rare for her to not express her appreciation for the care given her.

And as I watched, I have learned. I have learned that in the end, a life lived in selfless service to those around me is indeed a life well-lived. I am confident that as Bonnie stepped from this world into the arms of Jesus, He said to her: Well done, my good and faithful servant. You did nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. In humility you valued others above yourself and looked to the interests of others rather than your own. Well done. Well done.

We miss her. We miss her laugh, her “whoohoo”, her songs and her stories…the meals around the table. But I know that she now is healed and whole in the presence of the One she served so faithfully with her whole life. And I encourage each us of to carry on her legacy of loving, giving and serving that we might honor her memory until the day we meet again in Heaven.

We interrupt this program...

2011-08-06T08:38:00.001-05:00

...to wish my wonderful husband of 17 years a very happy anniversary.

17 years ago today I was starting to get ready for the biggest day of my life:
- fixing my hair
- eating breakfast
- doing last minute things with my sisters
- savoring the final moments with my parents before entering marriage
- relishing the thought of starting my new life with Lee

Lee is everything I could have ever hoped for in a marriage partner and more.
He is an extraordinary dad to our children and grows in his role every day with lots of grace
He is a good son-in-law for my dad who only had daughters (and now also has 3 sons-in-law to do boy things with, plus 3 nephews...)
He is an exemplary friend of many
He is a faithful, hardworking employee
He is an excellent provider as a result
He is my best friend and lover
He is a most loving, kind, and generous husband in every way
He is gentle and patient, oh so very patient
He is easy-going and caring
He is musically brilliant
He is humble, never flaunting his brilliance ever
He is motivated and self-disciplined

And I could go on and on and on about this man who has been rocking my world these last 17+ years and who will be rocking it for the rest of our lives.

I love you, Funny. You are the best of all time!!! Happy 17th. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know that I want to go into it with you by my side.

[...this progam will resume after some celebrating of said anniversary and some family time...see you in a few days!]

for 17 years: wedding talk...i-8

2011-08-04T23:27:00.011-05:00

Did I mention that there was something in the water at the campus ministry house where we hung out? There were 6 couples who met, got engaged and got married all in the same year. One wedding was in the spring, four back-to-back that summer, and one that winter. Craziness!

Back before we were "officially" talking marriage, Lee was asked to play piano for the George Strait song "I Cross My Heart" at a friend's wedding.

[Funny story: Lee had sworn to himself (kind of like he swore off romantic relationships) that he'd never date a girl who liked country music. He got in my car and 5 out of the 6 radio stations were set to country!]

As the friend's wedding drew closer, the vocalist backed out, so the groom asked Lee if he would also sing the song. Lee begrudgingly agreed only for the sake of the friendship. When I heard him practicing, I said "Hon, you'll have to sing that at our wedding someday." Did you ever see such a grimace?!?

Not long after, Lee said he had something to show me. He took me to one of the practice rooms at UTA, sat down at the piano and began to sing me the song he had decided to write for our wedding. He wasn't about to sing someone else's song!

I just found the original note he wrote the lyrics on. It's dated 9/14/93 (guess we were talking marriage a little sooner than I remembered) and it says: "To my honey Heather whom I love and cherish very much. I love you. Lee. P.S. This is for our wedding!" Lyrics included below for your reading pleasure.

"I Thank My God for You" by Lee Harbaugh

From the day that I first met you
You've had a place in my heart
So what the Lord has set in place
Let no one pull apart

The Lord has been so kind to me
To bless me with someone like you
I never thought that I'd ever meet
Someone as lovely as you

You are the treasure in my life
You are the gleam in my eye
So from this day til eternity
I give to you all of my heart

'Cause I love you
Yes, I love you
And I thank my God for you
I love you

And with this vow I pledge to you
To love and see you through
All the time both good and bad
We'll be as one in the Lord

Next: wedding details
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For 17 years: the proposal...i-7

2011-08-03T23:31:00.001-05:00

As our relationship progressed, I realized that I might not be going back to Spain to stay for an extended time anytime soon, so I made plans to go over Christmas break. This was the catalyst to us having yet another DTR - this one including the "m" word: mahwag.

We officially decided without officially making it official that we were going to get married...sometime in August sounded good and we'd discuss the particulars when I got back from my trip.

It kind of blew my Hollywood marriage-talk/proposal image out of the water. It always seemed the girl was completely taken by surprise by the marriage proposal - as if getting married was something she hopes for but is not quite sure he thinks so too...until he pops the question.

But this conversation happened in the normal course of our time together...no surprises, no gasps of joy or fireworks or fanfare.

Now, mind you, this was not the official proposal. This was just the conversation that would eventually lead up to a proposal. But anyway...

I went to Spain for 3 weeks. This was pre-email, so Lee would fax me letters to a friend's business over there, and we would talk on the phone every couple of days. I told all of my friends about him and of our upcoming unofficial wedding date.

When I told a couple that had been spiritual leaders in my life, they handed me a $100 bill that someone had given them as a gift. They trusted me and my discernment and wanted to show their support. It was like Spanish kiss from God on this choice which would, at least for a time, keep me far away from my beloved heartland.

Upon returning from Spain, Lee and I went ring shopping. Someone had suggested we could find something reasonably priced at Gold and Silver Exchange. So that's where we went. I'll never forget the owner and his employee helping us look over rings. They told us: "We see a lot of people come in here, looking to get engaged. And we can usually tell if they're going to make it or not. You're going to make it. We're sure of it."

Nice to get a stranger's vote of confidence. Seriously. Another kiss from the Lord.

Knowing we had the rings, I kept reminding Lee that he would need to propose...and make it special. I must've nagged a bit because after reminding him probably for the 100th time, he turned to me and said: "What I'm going to do is just hand it to you on your back porch some day. That will be good enough."

My heart sunk. I just did not think he was capable of making it as special as I thought it needed to be. That whole Hollywood image and all.

One Sunday afternoon, February 13th to be exact, 1 year minus 1 day from the day he gave me that balloon, Lee was driving me home from church and asked if I'd like to take a walk in the park after while. I didn't have anything going that afternoon, so I agreed, and we arranged for him to pick me up in a couple of hours.

We went to River Legacy, one of our favorite places to take walks, and headed down the long trail. We talked about this and about that. I gave him a Spanish lesson which he dutifully engaged in. He took me on a side trip off the trail to explore and then back on the main trail again.

As we neared the end of the trail, I saw what looked like a group of musicians standing around with their instruments. I was turning to point it out to Lee when the musicians started to play. I turned back to the instruments and began to focus on the crowd behind the musicians, recognizing the faces of our friends from the campus ministry house, our parents, my sister, other friends...

And then there was Lee, down on one knee, ring in hand. He says:

"Well, here we are. Will you marry me?"

Shocked (not by the question but by the elaborate proposal I had just witnessed) I said, "Yes!" We hugged and kissed and faced the crowd of onlookers who were cheering and clapping.

You got to know I was feeling a bit sheepish after worrying it might not be special...

Lee had written out "Kiss the Girl" from Little Mermaid for a trombone quartet and asked his buddies to meet with him to practice (this is what he was doing between the time he dropped me off at home and picking me up to go for a walk) and then to come play for us at the park - walking a mile+ just to get to the spot. He arranged for our friends and families to come (also making the mile+ hike), orchestrating the timing of our walk so that it would all be in place by the time we got to the end of the trail.

And that little "off trail" jaunt? Just ahead of us, he could see the musicians hurrying with their cases, and he needed to do something quickly to distract my attention. :-)

For some reason or other, all of Lee's attempts to arrange for "hi-tech" equipment to capture the event on film went haywire - dead batteries I think were largely the culprit. Thankfully, Lee's mom had a disposable camera with her. Low tech and all, she captured the moment for us.

So while Lee may have seemed clueless when it came to planning a romantic proposal, he was anything but.

next: "wedding talk"
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For 17 years: the struggle...i-6

2011-08-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

Technically speaking, Lee and I have known each other for 19 years this coming September. We'll have been married 17 years this coming August.

Just wanted you to know :-)

So, what was the struggle? To stay pure.

Both of us raised in Christian homes that valued sexual purity, we had committed long before meeting one another that we would stay sexually pure until marriage.

There are many who choose not too or who don't know better or who get tripped up in temptation. If that's you, don't read any condemnation into this post. None is intended. None is aimed at you. In fact, I know for a fact that God can restore virginity to any one regardless of mistakes. That's not a license to sin, but it is reassuring to know if you engaged in pre-marital sex and wish you hadn't.

But we did struggle.

We would draw lines, physical boundaries that we would swear to keep, because both of us really wanted to honor God and each other in our relationship. We understood that the lines God had drawn in the Bible were for our good, for our protection, and we wanted more than anything to enter marriage (because by now we both figured that's where we were headed and if not, well, all the more reason to stay pure!) having saved sex for after the ceremony.

We would try the "six inch rule" - not sitting any closer than six inches, especially if alone.

We failed.

We tried parting ways before midnight.

That helped.

Mostly we prayed and would re-direct after we felt we'd gone too close to temptation.

We also guarded our thoughts and our minds.

As a teenager, I read every teen romance the library had. Post highschool, I read lots of Christian romances and a few not-Christian romances. I watched "Days of Our Lives" after getting hooked during a stay with some friends when I was 13.

But the Lord convicted me of the danger of those things. The first line of defense in staying pure is having a pure thought life. It's hard to have that if I'm feeding on fictional romance and soap operas.

[I must confess that I didn't kick the soap habit until after marriage.]

If I had fed myself on a steady diet of shows like "Friends", "Sex in the City", or "Desperate Housewives", I don't know that my commitment to purity would have stuck. See, those shows promote a lifestyle that the Bible says is bad news. And watching them makes the enemy's voice louder and louder: "Did God really say?" and leads me down a path to where the absolutes of God's Word become "guidelines" at best or "options" at worse.

And not to say "hey, look at us!", but if we could do it, so can you. And if you didn't, but now you want to be pure, or have children and want them to stay pure, it's totally possible! You can do it! You can choose better things to fill your mind with and find a group of friends to hold you accountable. You can teach your children how and learn along side of them. Because staying pure is a life-long process that doesn't end after marriage.

You can learn how to have a disciplined mind, how to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ, how not to give in to every emotional roller coaster, how to pray and trust that God really does want what's best for you and for your children, how to root out the lies that might lead to making a choice to have sex before marriage.

You can also learn about grace for mistakes. There are consequences to the choices we make, but His grace is there, and He does redeem.

If you make the choice to stay pure, the road is not as rough in the long run. The price is high initially, but the returns are enormous.

Did we ever stray "too far"? We did. Too far into the place that stirred up feelings and emotions that it wasn't time for yet, emotions that made it especially hard to put on the brakes before we ventured into an area God had made clear was forbidden.

But waiting is so worth it. So very worth it.

And can I say yet again how amazing Lee is? He was honorable and gentlemanly at every turn then.

He still is.

Next: The proposal.

[i-1] [i-2] [i-3][i-4] [i-5]

For 17 years: A slight disagreement...i-5

2011-08-02T10:06:00.003-05:00

I was taught growing up, correctly, the importance of not dating, not marrying, someone who did not believe in God. It would bring tension and division. It would cause us to be unequally yoked.

So, all my life, I knew that I needed to marry a Christian, someone who had a relationship with God and had given his life over to Jesus. In Spain I realized that it was not enough that he know and have a relationship with God, he also must be a spiritual leader and be, at least, as passionate about serving God as I was.

Then our campus ministry leader did a teaching on Christian relationships and how sometimes even all of that isn't enough if each individual has a different call on his/her life.

I had never thought of that before, but it seemed that with regards to call, Lee and I were on the same page.

Except when it came to foreign missions.

I have known since I was a little girl that I was called to missions of some kind. Living in Spain solidified that calling, and "my plan" after leaving Spain had been to finish college as quickly as I could and get back over there so I could serve amongst the people and culture I had grown to love so dearly.

God obviously had other plans. No sooner had I started on my fast track to finish college than I met Lee and Spain went on hold indefinitely.

But I still had missions in my heart and knew it was to be a lifestyle for me.

Not so with Lee. He didn't like missions. I mean, he knew that missions was for some people, just not him. He had the heart of an evangelist and preacher. He did not see himself going to foreign places to serve.

I remember one particularly heated conversation on the topic...me trying to convince Lee to get a heart for missions, he insisting that it just wasn't for him. And with our leader's words ringing in my ears, I despaired of our relationship as I could not compromise God's call on my life, nor could I ask Lee to.

And then I heard God say: "Just wait until he gets back from the Ukraine."

See, in the midst of this crisis, actually before the crisis ever came to a head, Lee had agreed to go with my mom's friend to the Ukraine as a keyboard player. They were going to do street ministry, and Lee with his amazing keyboard skills was convinced to go to "help them out."

He really is that kind of a guy. He will do something to help someone out, even if it's not his favorite.

It only takes willingness. And Lee had that, and so he went to countless meetings and practices to prepare for the trip, becoming friends with a group of people who were wild about missions and passionate about seeing God move in miraculous ways through them.

And he spent 3 weeks in the Ukraine eating borscht and mystery meat and hard bread, taking cold showers, getting his mullet cut off so that he could wash his hair more easily...and seeing God move in miraculous ways.

He returned a changed man, with a heart set on fire for the nations, and, incidentally, more in love with me. And I with him. And with God.

God took our hearts that seemed to be headed in different directions and gently showed me how He would continue to knit them together in areas where we seemingly differed. Sometimes it would be I who got nudged and sometimes it would be Lee, but as I am faithful to trust Him and not walk in fear, He smooths the way.

I don't want to get ahead of the story here, but for those of you reading, know that God is so very faithful. He has done this very thing time and time again. Many times it has been after I have tried to "force" it to happen through convincing arguments (obviously not so convincing as nothing changed) and impassioned pleas, finally getting past my fear to a place of trust and peace. And it is always from that place of rest that God moves. Fear hinders Him. Trusts opens up the way for Him.

So trust, dear ones. Trust. His plans are good. And the ways He works out His plans, well, they are very creative, often hard, but very definitely good.

Next: "the struggle"

[i-1] [i-2] [i-3][i-4]

For 17 years: "April Fools"...installment four

2011-08-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

It was an interesting season in our lives. What season isn't. But even looking back, I have to say that it was unique. Is it because we were starting to fall in love? Perhaps. But something was definitely "in the air" within our group of friends. Several serious relationships springing up. I seriously wonder what was in the water at that house!

Moving from the disappointment of breaking up to the joy of being in a relationship with the man I hoped to one day marry was a bit slow at first.

Some have been in relationships for years, wondering if theirs is truly going to last. I had only been in this one for a few short months (with a small break-up period), but I really wanted to know if it was worth spending my heart on.

I knew he was worth it. But did he think he was the one?

Lee is one of the most authentic and genuine people you could ever meet. He is what you see. No guile. No masks. No hidden agendas. No games.

He wore shorts to the symphony and burped at the table (in a restaurant).

He played trombone at a campus ministry meeting and had a mullet.

All kidding aside,though, you always knew that Lee meant what he said and stood by his word. There wasn't any "reading between the lines" for hidden messages. Thankfully, he is still that way to this day.

So on April 1, 1993, sitting together on Basi's sofa, Lee turned to me and said: "I love you."

Taken off guard, the first words out of my mouth were, "Is this April Fools?"

I knew better. Well, I know better now, but then I was wanting to be sure that he really meant it...that it wasn't just an accidental choice of words...kind of like the balloon not being a random selection.

He smiled and reassured me, "No, funny, I really do love you."

With that settled, the walls around my heart came down. He had decided.

Next: "A slight disagreement"
[installment one] [installment two] [installment three]

For 17 years: the balloon...installment three

2011-07-29T19:00:00.013-05:00

Not long after we met, I invited Lee to visit my church. He'd expressed some frustrations about where he was attending and since we had similar hearts in so many areas, I thought he'd like my church.

He did. In fact, on that first visit, the worship leader who was leading the following week needed a keyboard player and invited Lee to play. So his second visit had him playing keyboard on the worship team where, incidentally, he stayed for several years.

Before our break up, we had both signed up to attend a conference in late January out in Anaheim, CA with a group from our church. The conference fell just days after we "broke up."

This was both hard and good. Looking back, it was all good. God was working and moving in our hearts to unify them even more. And I felt a shift happening in Lee's heart, but I still didn't know if/when God was going to turn things around. The shared experience fortified our friendship even more, but, seriously, I was hoping for a husband. Not just another male friend.

Of course, God knew all that, and He gave me a tremendous amount of grace to just rest and trust. I remember clearly that season as being one of the most peaceful of my life. It felt like I was in a bubble which kept me buffered and yet allowed me to stay focused on the Lord.

The Sunday after we returned from Anaheim, several of us who had been on the trip served on the worship team. After the service, our associate pastor had a prophetic word for me out of 1 Peter 3 and called out the work the Lord revealed He was working in me.

Lee later told me that was the moment that clinched it for him. Unbeknownst to me, he said to himself: "I better not let this girl get away."

So, he set his sights to win me back. Not that he had to work very hard.

I was confused, though. We hadn't had a DTR in a while, not since our breakup, so I was unsure of what this pursuit really meant. I knew what I wanted: a husband. I wasn't sure that he was ready to commit to that. So, I kept my heart guarded.

The weekend of Valentine's Day, Lee volunteered at a Disciple Now at the church he grew up at as a kid. He kind of hinted around that he'd like me to attend the closing event with him, but I had already made plans and agreed to meet him at the house afterwards.

It was Valentine's Day and when I walked into the house, Lee handed me a card and a balloon. The balloon said "BE MINE." I did a double-take...was this really a message to me or had Lee blindly selected a Valentine balloon without paying any heed to what it said.

I tended to believe the latter. I just didn't want to get my hopes up.

Then I opened up the card and was equally confused by the message there, stating friendship and yet hinting at something more.

The confusion must have shown on my face because Lee put his arm around me and said something along the lines of: "I don't know where this is all headed or what this is going to look like, but I do know that I like us together and want to see where this all leads."

Swoon.

Well, not quite, but almost. I cautiously agreed to step back into a more-than-friendship relationship with him. And confidence grew each day as our strong friendship blossomed into a growing love and admiration for each other.

But could it really be true love?

Next: "April Fools"

[installment one] [installment two] [installment three]

For 17 years: the break up...installment two

2011-07-28T22:25:00.011-05:00

The more I got to know Lee, the more I was sure he was the one.

I fell in love with him, not for his good looks, although he is incredibly handsome. Not for his amazing musical talent, even though a girl could fall head over heels for that reason alone, such is his talent. Not for his athletic skill and ability, except for that one time in ping pong...

While all these and more attracted me to him, what kept me "stuck" on him was his deep, abiding relationship with Jesus. Ask anyone who knew Lee in that season and they would tell you that there were not many like him, with such an uncompromising passion for the Lord.

And I knew he was to be mine. I will even go so far as to say that God told me.

[Another funny story would be to tell you that I actually told him that not long after we started dating. His then roommate would tell you that it just about sent Lee into a panic and running in the opposite direction.]

When I mentioned to Lee that I was finally writing out our story here, he reminded me that our first "official" date happened on a weekend that he went out with 3 girls - each on a different night...rare for him since he had technically sworn off any romantic involvement. I was the final one on his "dating spree" and we spent an evening out at Joe Poole Lake where we watched the sunset.

*sigh*

He received no end of grief from some of his closest friends who were aware of his commitment to no relationships and absolutely no PDA, especially kissing. When one of his friends heard about our date, she blurted out, "Well, did you kiss her?!?"

For the record, I was the only girl he dated from then on. And no, we didn't kiss on that first date.

This date was followed by many more which almost always included a DTR (determining the relationship). So...what were we? How serious was this? Were we keeping healthy emotional and physical boundaries?

Maybe because I shared my heart too much or maybe because Lee's heart had to wrestle through some stuff first, after a couple months of dating, we decided to go back to being just friends. Actually, Lee said, "You'll make a good wife for someone someday." To which I replied, "I'll wait until God tells me I'm not for you."

And wait I did. And hang out we still did. A lot. Ping pong, racquetball, prayer meetings and Bible study...life continued "as usual" just without the dating element.

But it just about killed me.

Every time we met to pray, I would grow more and more convinced that this was the man I wanted to marry. I finally told the Lord: "Give him back to me or get him out of my life."

We already know the answer to that prayer. I have a ring and pictures and six kids as proof that the Lord gave him back to me. But how did it happen?

You'll have to come back again for installment three: "the balloon"

[installment one] [installment two] [installment three]

For 17 years...installment one

2011-07-27T20:09:00.003-05:00

This August, my dear husband and I will have been married for 17 years. We don't feel old (most days) but somehow seeing how much life we've lived together makes us think: "Man, we're getting old!"

My friend Liz has been chronicling her story with her husband, and suddenly I was inspired to do what I intended to do when I first started blogging: share our story.

I first saw Lee at a college ministry meeting, not long after I returned from my second stint in Spain. I had told the Lord that I did not want to date when I returned to the States unless it would be the man I was to marry. Little did I know...

That night, Lee played his trombone to an accompaniment track which I thought was strange. I must admit my immediate impression of him was quite shallow as I thought to myself: "Who plays a trombone at a college ministry meeting? That's kind of dorky."

*sheepish grin*

A couple of weeks later, I had the opportunity to hear Lee talk at a leadership retreat. He spoke on prayer, and as he shared, my perspective totally shifted. No longer dorky, this gentle spoken, passionate-about-prayer young man had just gotten my attention. "Wow," I remember thinking, "I want to marry someone like that."

Later that day we spent hours floating on the lake, talking about all sorts of things, and I realized how quickly I had initially let outward appearances deceive me. I was smitten.

A dating experience in Spain had taught me that I needed a mate who was spiritually strong and a leader, one who shared my passion for prayer and worship. And as Lee and I talked and shared and spent time together on that retreat, I knew he was the one.

He loved God. He had a deep and consistent prayer life. He was a worshiper. And he was nice looking (mullet notwithstanding).

So, we began to hang out. He lived in a house near campus that housed 7 other guys who were involved in the campus ministry with us. It was the hang out for all of us. Lots of ping pong played, movies watched, and meals shared there amongst friends. If I wasn't working or in class, I was at the house. All of the guys living there were my close friends, but there was this one that I had my eye on.

But he seemed oblivious. He treated me like a good friend, a sister, perhaps, but I never could tell if he really liked me...I mean, you know, for more than a friend.

I went to every event I thought he would be at. I even became a pseudo Trekkie, heaven forbid, going to the weekly Sunday evening viewing of the Next Generation.

[Funny story: You know how I thought he was oblivious? Well, he says that once while giving me a ride home after a Star Trek viewing when I was talking about my bum knee, he thought to himself: "Oh great. She's got a bum knee. What happens if we get married and we have to pay for medical expenses because of her knee..." Go figure!]

Then there was the Sunday he invited me to the symphony. I quickly remembered my prayer to the Lord...that I only date the man I would marry. But was this a date? I couldn't tell. The invitation came in the form of everything else we did together - a casual "by-the-way" I'm doing such-and-such...do you want to come?

I took it as a sign anyway.

Then there was the Sunday that I invited him to lunch at my parents' house after church. Months later he would tell me this story: while wrestling with my little sister (who would've been around 8 at the time), he accidentally hurt her. He immediately apologized, to which she responded: "That's ok. Just as long as you marry my sister."

He almost bolted.

See, we were still just friends, neither one of us making a move towards a more committed relationship. I had no idea if he was interested, and he wasn't sure he was, having sworn off romantic relationships a couple of years prior. My sister, speaking out of a fear that I would marry a Spaniard and live far away, just wanted a guarantee that I would be marrying an American and staying close to home.

Our hearts, however, were already being knit together through friendship, prayer and Bible study, food, ping pong and racquetball matches...but that next step was a little intimidating.

I don't remember who made "the first move," but one night on our way back to Arlington from some event we had ridden to together, we held hands. And that broke the ice and made it official.

We were no longer just hanging out. A lot. We were dating.

Stay tuned for the next installment: "the break up"

[installment one] [installment two] [installment three]

Essentials in Worship Values

2011-07-02T17:08:00.000-05:00

for the Essentials In Worship Values Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

“Why we lead worship, and who we lead worship for tells us much about how we lead worship.” [1]

Everything in life has the potential to become an act of worship, a response to God’s love for us. In the “gathered worship experience…our great desire and goal is to nurture a people who, through the vehicle of songs, prayers, liturgies, teaching and more, understand how to respond to God from a yielded heart” [2] that will extend beyond the gathered experience into their daily lives. “We create atmospheres that lead people to welcome the Spirit of God to change their lives, their motives, their choices. We open up languages of prayer for those who come, that in turn have the potential to open them up to God.” [3]

Connecting people to God is my passion. I love doing it through worship, art, prayer…over coffee, dinner, or on a walk. But worship is my primary “vehicle” to lead people to God. There is just something about a group of 2 or 3 or 300 come together…the “we” aspect that transforms a very personal experience into a community experience where we as individuals connect to God in an activity we do together.

When we meet, the expression of worship that lends itself most to community is song. Brian Doerksen says, “Why (do) we sing songs in the first place? We do it because it is something we can do together. There are probably other things that we could do to express our love and our worship to God that would be, in one sense, just as valid. But they’re not easy for us to do together.”[4]

But leading worship isn’t just about a set list or the people I sing/play with or the venue where I lead. The most critical substance of leading worship is the values from which I lead. In Essentials in Worship Values, Dan Wilt describes five foundational values that give structure to the worship experience God is calling me to facilitate within my local body. Having these at the center shapes the sound of worship that creates the atmosphere where we can be vulnerable and known to God.

Intimacy

“Intimacy happens when one heart chooses to make itself vulnerable to another, choosing self-offering above self-protection; self disclosure above self-protection.” [5] God is inviting us to a deep relationship with Him, one where He does not protect Himself from us and wants us to be open and vulnerable to Him. It is a “posture, a positioning, of one heart toward another.”

I must value intimacy with the Lord in my private life so that I might lead others to engage deeply with Him through the songs. I need to allow time and space for this to happen, not rushing through the moments when the Spirit is moving on each heart.

Integrity

“Integrity in worship means that we are a consistent people – we don’t just sing what we believe, we sing what we already live.” [6] The way I lead or create or express worship has integrity if it flows from who I am in private. I become a parasite on the people I’m leading if I lead without integrity, taking my identity from them, from how they view me, from their praise and/or rejection. Leading needs to come out of the overflow of my life lived out before God.

Accessibility

Accessibility means creating access point(s) that facilitate people meeting with God. Often times this will mean laying down personal preferences so that I might “facilitate the communication between human beings and God.” [7] “We are playing and creating so that the congregation might find a clear way to lay down the burdens they walked in with at the feet of Jesus, and to meet with Him in worship through the vehicle of the music that we make.

We want our community to engage with God’s story on every level, and to enter intimately into that story as those pursued by a welcoming, accessible God.” [8] We stay aware of who it is that we are leading into worship and ask God how He can best make Himself known to them through our worship.

Cultural Relevance

Cultural relevance does not mean cultural accommodation. [9] Rather, it is leading the way to a connection with God that fits within the context of the culture where I lead. “[It] is the art of creating atmospheres that are authentic to our reality, style, age and goals that build a welcoming and engaging bridge for those who may not be able to build a bridge for themselves.” [10] I trust God to reveal the way to lead that removes barriers and reveals the truth of who He is within the culture.

Kingdom Expectation

Kingdom expectation is expecting God to be the same yesterday, today and forever; to expect Him to reveal Himself in the space that He has helped and led us to create. Jesus’ life was an example of bringing the future Kingdom reality into the present. He declared the Kingdom come and taught His disciple to pray for God’s will on earth as it is in Heaven.

In Heaven, worship is a multi-sensory, living, breathing, exciting, awe-inspiring continual event. We are His “holy, viral carriers of the Kingdom of heaven, reflecting the future day when ‘all things will be made new.’” [11]

God has told us to expect Him to “show up” for us. The way He comes is often a mystery, but in embracing the mystery of who He is along with the revelation of His heart, we experience more of His Kingdom truth in our lives that transforms us further into the people He has called us to be. To not expect Him to come is an “affront to what [He] has offered.” [12] We must lead from a place of belief, trust and Kingdom expectation where God’s presence is expected to manifest in our midst.

As I move into this next season of the formation of who God has called me to be, I desire above all else to stay deep. These core values of intimacy, integrity, accessibility, cultural relevance, and Kingdom expectation keep me centered on the One I am leading others to and demand that I expect God to empower me to do the hard work required for the great privilege of leading His people into a deeper encounter and relationship with Him…

An encounter that will, hopefully, leave them hungering for more of Him and desiring to meet with Him, not just in our corporate worship times, but during the week, as well, where they can continue to experience a connection with Him.

1 Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Values, 4.
2 ibid, 4.
3 ibid, 5.
4 ibid, 5.
5 ibid, 7.
6 ibid, 8.
7 ibid, 12.
8 ibid, 12.
9 Dan Wilt, The Value of Cultural Relevance.
10 Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Values, 15.
11 ibid, 18.
12 ibid, 18.

Does it look finished?

2011-06-30T10:17:00.001-05:00

I measure whether or not a job or task is completed by how it looks in the end. If there was a mess to clean up, is that mess now gone? If there were clothes to be folded, are they now folded and put away? If the dishwasher needed to be unloaded, is it empty now?

Those are the measurable things.

But what about those things that aren't so measurable? How do I determine when those things are done? And how do I tell how well things are going? When God asks me to pick up a responsibility and then tells me it's finished, what am I looking for to tell me whether or not I've done a good job, completed my task?

Am I looking with natural eyes or the eyes of faith? That's really the question.

I've been pondering lately how as Jesus hung on the cross - His disciples scattered and disillusioned, his family weeping and grieving at His feet, the utter darkness and depravity of every sin and disease laid upon His back - He was able to hear His Father's voice above the din of unbelief and hopelessness that raged about Him, able to see past what His human eyes saw and hold on by faith to what He knew His purpose to be, and able to cry out in a loud voice:

"It is finished!"

We, of course, have the privilege of hindsight. We know, because we are looking back, that those words were indeed true. That Jesus' work was finished here on earth.

But to the eyes of those around Him, and, perhaps, even to His own human eyes, it looked anything BUT finished. Jesus had to hold onto the truth of what His Father had told Him and walk in faith and trust, not trusting what His eyes and emotions told Him.

What I'm learning in this pondering process is that a completed job, a task well-done, does not necessarily mean that all loose ends are tied up nice and neat. Sometimes it looks super messy and hopelessness and despair could set in if I choose to not hold onto truth instead.

So today I choose to see with eyes of faith. To look at the tasks around me and to not judge how well I am doing them by how well things are turning out. To look to the Father, instead, and to be ok with loose ends, messy finishes, and unconventional outcomes.

Negativity Flood

2011-06-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

For the last few months, I have been flooded with negative, stressful, overwhelming thoughts from almost the second I wake up. Mostly the thoughts are "reminders" of what needs to get done, of what I didn't get done the day before (or the day before that), of the mistakes I made and don't want to make again, etc.

I don't want to get up because of the day that these thoughts have painted for me and yet to stay in bed is to lie in torment, battling to not sink.

Usually once I get up the thoughts subside. I get busy on whatever needs my children have and start thinking about meals, errands to run, and fun things to do during the summer. They quiet. Because I'm busy.

The Lord did give me a tool last fall that has helped tremendously, but I had lain it aside...for no particular reason...it just fell off my radar. He reminded me that I needed to be writing in my gratitude journal every night before bed. He'd shown me that before during my negativity fast.

So, I started back diligently writing down things I was thankful for every night before going to sleep...even if it was just one thing.

And the barrage of negativity slowed, but it didn't cease.

Yesterday I was walking and asking the Lord to please show me how to make it stop. They weren't ruining my day, but I sure want to wake up to different thoughts so I can get a running start.

It wasn't until later in my day when I was cleaning out my inbox and came across an unread newsletter that the Lord revealed at least the next part of the process of ridding myself of the morning barrage of stressful thoughts.

In the newsletter, Trevor Lund says:

What do you do when all your thoughts are negative? What do you do when you agree with the voice of the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy more than you can agree with the One who comes to give you life and to the full?

I help people deal with this every day through http://LifeAbovetheNegativity.com but this week I felt hopelessness replace the joy and peace of the Kingdom.

So what did I do?

I asked God to forgive me for agreeing with negative thoughts and asked Him to show me what He thinks of me...

That was it. I had been, at least on some level, agreeing with those negative thoughts, particularly because they just wouldn't stop. It was true that there were things I didn't get done, needed to do, or had done poorly. But what wasn't true, and what I wasn't catching that was slipping in with those thoughts, was that there was any shame or condemnation in those things.

So I did what Trevor did. I confessed that I had come into agreement with the lies of the enemy about me and about my day. I repented and asked the Lord to come give me His thoughts about my day.

And something lifted.

This morning I woke up to relative quiet, and it stayed quiet in my head for the most part. I have a bit to go. I think there's another layer that the Lord will address at some point, but for now I'm so thankful to be walking in even greater freedom than before.

"I Don't Have Time to Be Busy!"

2011-06-03T17:03:00.000-05:00

Busy?

Me?

Always.

Or at least it feels that way. In fact, I would say over the last year the sense of busyness has increased dramatically. If I stopped and listed what I do, I don't think the length of the list would be that much longer than it was several years ago. Definitely not longer than when I was working full time. Or when I had babies to nurse and diapers to change.

But I feel busier.

So when I saw the chance to review "I Don't Have Time to Be Busy! a primer for simplicity" by Trevor H. Lund, I jumped at the opportunity. I need simplicity. I crave simplicity. I buy books on how to simplify, how to organize my time more efficiently, how to be more disciplined.

I keep hoping I will find that "magic" moment when all I know to do (declutter, say "no", don't schedule more than I have hours in a day, etc., etc., etc.) will click and my life will be more simple.

That's what I was hoping for when I picked up Trevor's e-booklet.

It is different than anything I've ever read on simplicity. Ever. And those of you who know me know that I read a lot. I have bookshelves and bookshelves of books I've read (and re-read) over the years.

And it's the best. Why?

Because Trevor didn't give me a list of things TO DO to simplify. He exposed the root of my busyness, and he was spot on. I already feel less busy just by revealing the root. And I'm actually more busy since reading it.

I'm not going to tell you the root because I really want you to scoot over to visit Trevor and buy the e-booklet from him and support what he's doing to help release freedom. Nothing happens for me whether you do or you don't.

If you do, though, greater freedom is at your door.

While you're over there, go ahead and sign up for his newsletter and download the free e-booklet titled "How to Steward Your Destiny." It totally rocked my world. And who doesn't like free? I also HIGHLY recommend his negativity fast 40-day emails. That's how I actually stumbled across Trevor's website.

And I'm so thankful I did.

To greater FREEDOM!

My friends Juan Carlos and Tere

2011-05-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

My friend Juan Carlos had a birthday the other day, not long after mine, actually, and remembering him on his special day brought back a flood of memories of my time in Spain.

I'll never forget my first meal with Juan Carlos (JC) and his wife Tere. They invited me to come after church to their flat along with a few other people. Not having a table large enough to seat everyone, they pulled out 2 saw horses and a large piece of plywood, threw a tablecloth over it, and we had room to spare. What I remember most about that particular day was the warmth shown towards me and the coffee that I spilled all over myself, leaving me to borrow a pair of Tere's pants.

My new-found friends quickly became some of my best friends. At the time they lived in the neighboring town but soon moved to the town where I lived which meant more time together. I spent many afternoons drinking coffee and hanging out. Tere made sure that I savored some very typical Spanish dishes. One that stands out in my mind is gazpacho, except it wasn't called gazpacho because of how it was served - with lots of choices of toppings to add to the base (which was gazpacho)with cafe gitano and probably some sort of cookie for dessert. Oh, and migas...I will always remember the migas

We took a trip together with a few other youths from the church. I don't recall much about the actual event we went to, except that it was in a tent and we had to sit near the back. What does stand out clearly in my mind is the spontaneous flamenco class that happened at the church once we returned, and Tere laughing at my attempts to move my shoulders and feet and hips and hands like her.

Then there is the retreat we went on and the afternoon spent on the lawn learning how to play guitar, flamenco style.

And the hours JC spent walking me through the complexities of writing an analytical essay in Spanish on some very philosophical, heady Spanish writings.

But dearest to my heart is the time that Tere and Juan Carlos called me in for a real heart-to-heart talk. See, I had started to date this Spanish guy and was totally enamored by him. They knew his character (he had recently come back to the church and supposedly cleaned up his act) and knew that I might be a little blind to some things they saw. But in contrast to a few other people around me at the time who were critical and condemning, JC and Tere with great love and respect shared with me their personal concerns out of great love for my heart.

It was a bit painful...not because of how they said it but because my eyes were opened to the truth through the loving way that they approached me. Along with sharing their hearts, they also sympathized with the way others were maligning me with their sharp tongues and shared Psalm 31:10 and prayed it over me:

"In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues."

"En lo secreto de tu presencia los esconderás de la conspiración del hombre;
Los pondrás en un tabernáculo a cubierto de contención de lenguas."

The rest of the story is that that boy ended up showing his true character not long after my meeting with Tere and JC. But because they had loved on me and prayed with me, I could go to them in my hurt and know that they weren't there with an "I told you so."

Now distance separates us. Time separates us. But for me, it's as if it were yesterday that I was last with them enjoying fellowship and un cortado. I feel like if I saw them again tomorrow, we would pick up right where we left off, a little older, a little wiser, but our hearts knit together through love and the unity of the Spirit.

I love you, Juan Carlos and Tere. Your friendship means more to me than I'll ever be able to adequately express to you. I hope your English is good enough to read this, JC, and to give Tere a good translation. My Spanish brain is off for the night :-). Muchos besos a los dos. ¡Os quiero un montón!

Summary: To Know You More by Andy Park

2011-04-25T13:30:00.001-05:00

for the Essentials In Worship Leading Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

To Know You More: Cultivating the Heart of the Worship Leader by Andy Park is full of wisdom and advice for those called to lead worship. Jumping into worship leading as a complete novice, Andy shares from the unique perspective of one who has learned through life experience and has successfully cultivated a heart of worship in his own personal life that has sustained his ability to lead in the public eye for so many years. Andy says, “The most effective trait of a worship leader is a deep love for God and a willingness to express it” [1]. It is obvious as Andy writes that this is what he has.

In the first section, he shares about his own personal journey and the importance of being a worshipper first and foremost in private. “…songs are simply a byproduct of a life-giving relationship with God” [2]. As a worship leader, I must give first priority to my own relationship with God and allow all other activities to flow from that place. Cultivating that place with the Lord privately shields me when temptation comes.

“Being content while others receive more opportunities and favor from people and God has to be one of the top ten most important issues for a worship leader” [3]. The enemy is quick to whisper words of competition and jealousy when someone else gets an opportunity that I have longed for. Trusting God to fulfill His plans and purposes for me over my fears helps me to stay focused on the Lord instead of on what I am not getting to do. Andy shares about his struggles in this area stating, “Rejoicing in the success of others isn’t easy when you feel you’re at the bottom of the heap” [4]. No, it isn’t. Doing it anyway, however, is an opportunity to grow in humility and trust.

Andy also knows what it is like to experience favor from God and man. “John Wimber used to say that tough times are not the greatest test for a leader – the times of exaltation and success are” [5]. Proverbs 27:21b says that “man is tested by the praise he receives.” In Dealing with the Praise and Rejection of Man, Bob Sorge says that ”Rejection and praise are opposite ends of the same continuum with identical root issues.” Learning to deal with rejection by creating the habit of going to God to see what He thinks will serve me well when I receive the praise of man. Regardless, I must go to God to see what He thinks. It is all that matters.

This is why it is imperative that we as worship leaders have our hearts firmly planted in Christ. Our identities begin and end there. Rooted in Him, we are able to portray to those we are leading a more accurate representation of who God is. “Having a wrong understanding of God’s personality is a huge barrier to the freedom and delight of worship” [6]. Through leading others into the presence of God, we help them find the freedom we have found in our own personal times with the Lord where He is revealing the truth of who He is. “To be really free in worship leading, I have to know that God is fond of me. How can I confidently worship and lead others if I’m not sure how he feels about me?” [7].

When we lead worship, we call people “away from the counterfeit realities of this world” [8] and into the reality of the Kingdom. We give people good, Biblical theology through our song choices that will lodge in their hearts and minds for the days ahead when they are tempted to reenter the counterfeit realities. “Through our music, the Holy Spirit writes on the hearts of men, women and children eternal truths of many colors and hues” [9].

Andy likens creating a worship set to a conversation with God. We bring together a group of songs with lyrical continuity that facilitates the community we are leading into a personal and corporate dialog with the Lord. One must always hold the set loosely, however, leaving room for the Spirit to move on us to change direction, linger a little longer, etc.

"The job of the worship leaders is to vigorously approach God in worship, thereby setting an example and clearing a path for the congregation to do the same" [10]. I love the mental image this quote evokes in me…a picture of one boldly entering the throne room, throwing open the doors and saying “Come on in!”

I need to be in submission to those God has placed in leadership over me. “Serving God is worked out by serving under the leaders he raises up. I trusted God to express his authority in my life through the leadership” [11]. I can rest and know that as He has called me to submit, He will fulfill His plans and purposes for me.

I also need to hone my craft. Taking lessons, practicing, working on skills gives God something “more” to work with. If I am blessed to lead a team, I need to create a rehearsal environment that is enjoyable and allows room for the creative expression of each member while directing the group as a whole. I need to be encouraging and willing to “unselfishly share the platform” [12], mindful of the importance of raising up and mentoring other worship leaders.

Another aspect of worship leading is song writing. Andy encourages us to allow God to use us in our imperfect state to be the conduits for His music. He tells us to write a lot, to guard against fear of rejection and false pride, to persevere in song writing, to worship with our songs, and to fill our minds with truth.

As a worship leader, To Know You More is a great reminder of how imperative it is to prioritize my personal relationship with God over and above all else and how all other aspect of worship leading flow most effectively from that relationship.

1 Andy Park , To Know You More: Cultivating the Heart of the Worship Leader (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2002), 18.
2 ibid, 15.
3 ibid, 22.
4 ibid, 22.
5 ibid, 23.
6 ibid, 42.
7 ibid, 49.
8 ibid, 71.
9 ibid, 96.
10 ibid, 171-172.
11 ibid, 129.
12 ibid, 205.

The Importance of the Inner Life

2011-04-25T09:05:00.000-05:00

for the Essentials In Worship Leading Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

If anything, the course on Worship Leading has reminded me of the importance of my inner life. "...my authority to lead people in public is rooted in my secret life with God" [1]. I can be a great musician, an incredible singer, and a super leader all rolled into one person. But if I do not have an intimate relationship with God, if don't prioritize the private stuff, the public work will become too weighty and a cave-in becomes inevitable.

"Lead worship from the foundation of a life that, both privately and publicly, resounds with love, obedience, and honor towards Jesus. Your strongest leadership instrument will become the sound of your life, and your worship leadership will manifest the favor and strength that only God can give" [2].

I've been working on that, or, rather, God's mighty Spirit has been at work within me to root up those things in my life that keep my life from resounding with love, honor and obedience. I'm so grateful for the community of people that He has placed me in that continually spur me on and are so faithful to call out the good work that the Lord is doing in me in the midst of this process.

The Essentials Courses through worshiptraining.com have been a primary tool in the Lord's hand to help strengthen my inner life. I have been challenged to think more deeply, to meditate on truth, to mine the riches of those who have walked this way before. He has given me many ways to commune with Him: music, art, reading, silence.

My favorite times have been those in the early hours of the morning when the house is quiet and the sun is not quite peeking over the horizon. I still suprise myself when I say that. I have not been much of a morning person most of my life, but the sweetness of those early times have left such an impression on my heart. I can't wait to get back to it.

Some of my favorite books that have led me into deeper study of God's Word and His heart are, in no particular order:

Devotional Classics edited by Richard Foster
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
Strengthen Yourself in the Lord by Bill Johnson
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

What draws you closer to the Lord? What helps you to maintain and strengthen your inner life?

A hobby or a call?

2011-04-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

for the Essentials In Worship Leading Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

In The Sound of Your Life, Dan Wilt says "Our interior foundations must be able to bear the weight of our spiritual responsibilities." An uncomfortable process, this strengthening of the interior foundations of my life requires allowing God to shine His light on hidden places in my heart. Unbeknownst to me, God would choose a trip to Guitar Center to expose a lie that was weakening my interior foundation.

I was going to pick out the guitar Lee and the kids had given me as a Christmas gift. Lee and my friend Shelby accompanied me to lend their more practiced ears to aid in my selection.

Lee bought me my my first official guitar for my birthday about 8 years ago, and I love it much. (Actually, my first guitar was a borrowed guitar that never got returned, so I don't really count that one. And lest you think I make a habit of not returning things, I did try to return that particular guitar to the original owner but to no avail. But that's another story...) However, one day last summer, my beloved guitar decided to pop it's bridge. I had it repaired, but the warping and bowing occurring on the face of the guitar was irreparable, and she has become increasingly temperamental. Since I am playing and leading worship more frequently, the need for a new instrument was becoming increasingly apparent. Thus, the Christmas gift.

At Guitar Center, we played several different brands and styles of guitars, Shelby and Lee each giving their more trained opinions about the sound of each one. And surprisingly as I played, I became more and more uncomfortable and overwhelmed...to the point of tears. My sweet husband's generosity and willingness to buy me a guitar beyond what I had imagined coupled with the increasing feeling of insecurity were almost too much for me.

Why are we spending so much money on a guitar for me? I mean, how can I justify the cost of an instrument when it's just a hobby? Doubts and fears and questions surfaced faster than I could process them, and I was ready to leave without the gift, the long-awaited guitar.

Shelby pulled me into a side room, looked me in the eye, and relentlessly pursued the lie (lies?) that she knew was lodged in my heart.

Lie: Leading worship is a hobby.
Truth: It's not a hobby. It's a call on my life.

Another lie: I'm not worthy of this guitar.
The truth: God picked this guitar for me.

And still one more lie: I'm not talented enough to play this guitar.
The truth: That's why I'm taking lessons...lol.

I was so thankful to my generous, loving husband and my discerning loving friend who were with me that day. I had no idea buying a guitar would cause so much consternation or bring up a deep-seated lie in my heart.

But now that it's out in the open and the truth has replaced it, I am gaining more confidence in my guitar-playing...and in worship leading. I am trusting God with this call on my life. His plans and purposes for me succeed. I am becoming all He's called me to be.

God is fond of me

2011-04-23T08:01:00.000-05:00

for the Essentials In Worship Leading Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

"To be really free in worship leading, I have to know that God is fond of me...How can I confidently worship and lead others if I'm not sure how he feels about me?" ~Andy Park in To Know You More,49.

As early as I can remember, I have known and sung the song "Jesus Loves Me." I have recited John 3:16. I know God loves me, have told others that God loves them, and have sung countless songs about the love of God.

What I didn't realize until a few years ago, however, is that my heart didn't really believe it. Intellectually I knew the truth, but truth that only resides in the head might as well not be truth at all as what I truly believe is lodged within my heart. I might be able to control my actions out of my mind, but my heart will dictate the motivation behind those actions no matter what my head might try to tell it.

You see, while with my head I believed that God loved me, my heart believed that His love for me is not as great as it is for others, that somehow I was flawed beyond love and that in order to receive His love, I had to be really, really good. Making mistakes meant less love. Doing things correctly equaled more love.

And these thoughts weren't things I could have told you were even there. I had no idea. As far as I knew, I believed that He loved me completely.

It was when I first did Beth Moore's "Believing God" online Bible study that I began to get an inkling that maybe an insidious lie or two about God were lodged somewhere in my heart. Beth says that we act on what we believe, whether those beliefs are in our conscious thought or not. She takes participants through a series of Scripture exercises designed to reveal hidden beliefs that sabotage our lives, however minutely.

And the lies began to surface. Lies like ones I've already mentioned and then some.

Then along comes Bill Johnson. On an apparent whim (I know now that it was totally a Holy Spirit set up!), I signed up for a conference in my area called Texas Ablaze. I didn't know much about the speakers, only that I had recently read an article by one of the them that had resonated strongly with me.

I was blown away.

Every session left me hungry and longing for more of God. Bible reading was revitalized; my heart was awakened to new levels of communion with God. The last night, Bill Johnson spoke. I had never heard of him, and I'll never forget how he started out that service.

"God is in a good mood. He might be angry but not at you. You are hidden in Jesus." The crowd chuckled, at which point he reiterated: "No, I'm serious. God is in a good mood."

Bill went on to drop nugget after gold nugget of profound truth, mined throughout a lifetime of being pursued by God and responding whole-heartedly to that pursuit. I could not write fast enough. My mind and my heart were being renewed at an accelerated pace.

And so marked a point in my journey towards more truth and greater freedom. I began to realize that I had been living under the constant pressure of not wanting to make a mistake so that God wouldn't be angry with me. As I read Scripture with this new, Spirit-breathed perspective, I became convinced that I am in Christ and that I am a new creation. Jesus' work on the cross paid for my sins completely, and His power at work within me is more powerful than the sin that so easily entangles.

God is not waiting to catch me doing wrong things, as my behavior indicated that I believed. Rather, as Beth Moore puts it, God is counting each time I believe Him and act on His truth. He celebrates.

The image I realized that I had was of God, finger poised, ready to shake it at me when I messed up. I was being motivated to make good choices out of fear of His anger rather than out of an understanding of His great love for me.

I could go on and on about the lies exposed and the truth God revealed to me about Himself, and maybe sometime I'll take the time to chronicle those. For now, suffice to say, I am on a journey into the heart of God. With each level I am becoming more and more convinced that not only does He love me, He likes me. He's fond of me and enjoys spending time with me.

And you know what? He is fond of you too. Super fond, really. You are His favorite. He's not focused on that mistake you made yesterday when you yelled at your kids or spent more time on the computer than you should have. He's not focused on your addictions, however horrible and debilitating they might be. He's not focused on your infidelity, your lies, your habitual sins.

No, He's focused on you. You are the object of His affection. And if He points out a sin, it's not to shame you and shake a finger at you. It's so He can reveal His love to you that sets you free. He sees your mistakes and your sins and says: "Hey, look at Me! I love you. You can be free. Let Me love you and show you how."

In "Believing God", Beth gives 5 truths that have been lifelines for me in this process:

1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. God's word is alive and active in me.
5. I can do all things through Christ.

May you become more fully convinced today of how fond He is of you. May you become increasingly aware of the light of His face shining on you. May you see His kindess leading you to repentance. And may you experience a deep revelation of His love for you that transforms you more fully into the likeness of Jesus so that you might lead others to worship Him in spirit and in truth.

A summary of Tunesmith by Jimmy Webb

2011-04-22T18:53:00.001-05:00

for the Essentials In Songwriting Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

Those pursuing the art of songwriting would do well to pick up Tunesmith by Jimmy Webb, a seasoned songwriter with a wealth of insight and knowledge. Weaving stories and personal anecdotes with vital technical and experiential advice as well as giving examples of well-written (or poorly-written) lyrics, Webb has created a valuable resource for even the most novice of beginners, like me. Webb also chronicles the history of modern songwriting and gives an inside view of what it was like in the early days contrasted with today. I found Tunesmith to be engaging and informative on many levels, discovering many principles within its pages that I began applying immediately.

He begins by talking about where songs come from. Webb says, “Song ideas are the most intense longings of the soul and its deepest regrets” [1]. The ideas come from something about which the writer feels passionately (loathing or hating). It will also include a destination which will consume the bulk of the efforts of the songwriter in getting from here to there the best way possible. A good songwriter also stays emotionally connected. “Without being able to expose ourselves to pain – to break down and cry if need be – we won’t have what we need to be songwriters or even human beings. The reverse is true. Without recognizing the good things life has to offer – the priceless gift of the distant laughter of children – we become sour pendants” [2].

Next, Webb moves into what was for me, the most significant part of the whole book. He relates the story of being mentored by Michael Geffen, one of Broadway’s greats. Showing Webb the room he’d be working in, he said, “In this room you can never make a mistake” [3]. At first read, I thought that Geffen was laying down a strict boundary where perfectionism was required. I cringed (which says a lot about the lenses I wear).

What he was really trying to say was that “…there is no crossed-out, blotted word on paper or half-croaked note or stumbling, tripping step toward the songwriter’s goal that is unseemly or shameful…creativity is a blameless process. That to exist at all it must function unselfconsciously and without guilt…The primary ingredient in that tranquility might be to pardon ourselves in advance for any real or imagined inadequacies and approach the work with the attitude that we will see what happens, make the best of it and enjoy the journey” [4].

Moving to the practical aspects of writing a song, he stresses that every song needs a story to tell. That story is told through clear lyrics that make a “meaningful contribution” [5] to the whole of the song. To accomplish this, a songwriter takes the raw materials (ideas) and begins to shape them into a song: “...a magical marriage between a lyric (some words) and a melody (some notes)” [6].

She brainstorms, making lists of words, phrases, feelings to express the idea. He makes use of a thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary (never substituting these for creativity). She studies meter and rhyming schemes, counts syllables and checks verb tenses. He eliminates the “less desirable elements in order to expose the more desirable ones” [8] crafting lyrics that stay true to the song idea and lead to the desired destination.

Webb then traces the evolution of a song called “Problem Child”, personally, the second most helpful part of the book. He takes the song from the idea stage and the brainstorming process through the editing and re-write phase to the “finished” product. He explains the reasoning behind changes and points out the ways to make good lyrics better.

The next section of Tunesmith delves into the more technical aspects of song form and musical composition. These chapters hold a wealth of information covering music history and music theory. Webb delivers the information in an easy, conversational tone that makes it understandable and makes me want to go back and study these chapters more in depth when I can absorb more of this useful instruction.

Webb also interviews several songwriters regarding collaboration. Marilyn Bergman who collaborates with her husband says, “The most important elements are trust, respect and willingness to sound stupid. Sometimes a silly idea when put forward by one of us will trigger a really good idea from the other…” [9]. “The major impediment to collaboration is fear, “says Barry Mann who also collaborates with his spouse. “Every collaboration begins with this sense of unwillingness to reveal ourselves as in Oh my god, he’s gonna find out, he’s gonna know I’m a fake, that I don’t know what I’m doing” [10]. Isn’t that the truth! Collaboration requires a good deal of patience and forbearance and the ability to push past the uncomfortable emotions in order to be vulnerable and lay out ideas in front of another human being with a different perspective.

In the final section, Webb explains how the music industry works (or did at the writing of this book). He notes the various challenges facing the modern day songwriter. The advent of the singer/songwriter, MTV, and top 40 radio narrowed the playing field considerably. “A person with real songwriting talent would have had a better than average chance of placing a song with a major recording artist in the decade bounded by 1965 on the one hand and 1975 on the other.”

We are so far removed from that day, although YouTube, iTunes, etc. has in some ways made it easier for music of all kinds (the good, the bad, and the really bad) to get play time. Webb seemingly has prophetic insight into what the future held for music: “…eventually, entire record albums or perhaps even first-run feature films will be downloaded to recordable formats by satellite for a fee, which is paid electronically via credit card or some other code” [11].

In closing, Webb encourages songwriters to write. When one finds himself or herself “cowed, sullen and emotionally dead in the water…a violent, arbitrary and radical change of direction is called for” [12]. He goes on to say that “…the infamous ‘writer’s block’ may be nothing more than a stubborn unwillingness to cure ourselves, a psychomasochism caused by our refusal to confront the truth and put it into the air regardless of repercussions” [13]. He tells us to not burn bridges and to not allow bridges to erode from neglect, to remember that songwriting is best done in community. He emphasizes the importance of holding offenses lightly, choosing integrity over the need to seek revenge in a song.

I found Tunesmith to be surprisingly interesting and helpful and will refer back to it again and again. It is another decided gem discovered through the Essential courses.

1 Jimmy Webb, Tunesmith: inside the art of songwriting (New York: Hyperion, 1998), 3.
2 ibid, 17-18.
3 ibid, 21.
4 ibid, 22.
5 ibid, 52.
6 ibid, 70.
7 ibid, 136.
8 ibid, 271.
9 ibid, 296.
10 ibid, 298.
11 ibid, 375.
12 ibid, 395.
13 ibid, 397.

Songwriting and Responsibility

2011-04-21T23:26:00.008-05:00

for the Essentials In Songwriting Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

Writing worship songs carries a weight of responsibility. Songs are remembered long after the sermon has been forgotten. And as important as melody and sound are, the lyrics, the content of the song, the theology being conveyed are more important by far than having a catchy melody. Of course it helps if strong, theologically sound lyrics and well-crafted tune go together...

Worship songwriters also have the responsibility to write the songs the church needs, not the songs the church wants. We need our pastors and leaders to stand alongside of us to write these songs. It's so easy to look first for what will please, what will bring the most approval (that man pleasing spirit at work), but to write the songs the church needs...to release into the atmosphere the songs of heaven that transform and loose the move of God...what an honor! What a privilege!

I want to write songs that are theologically responsible. More importantly, I want to write songs that are the rhema (the "now") word of God to His people...the songs that lodge in hearts and minds and relentlessly work the renewing of the heart and mind according to the Spirit of God.

Doerksen, Brian. Worship Songwriting: Embracing Heart and Developing Skill. Brian Doerksen Music, 2009.

The Perfect Moment

2011-02-10T23:22:00.005-06:00

for the Essentials In Songwriting Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

I've spent a lot of time waiting for that perfect moment to come along so that I can do something creative.

Funny thing is, that perfect moment doesn't come around very often, if at all.

My idea of perfect has been wrongly shaped by media: magazines with clean, organized, beatifully decorated living spaces; movies and tv shows that give a distorted view of real life; books that make me long for order that only exists in, well, books and magazines...

In his Worship Songwriting dvd series, Brian Doerksen mentions a songwriting experience he once had with Brenton Brown. Brenton (single at the time) was visiting the Doerksens and had this great song idea to share with Brian, father of 6. Brian is in the throes of holding an unhappy child, trying to calm said child down as it was time for bed. Brenton comes into the room oblivious of the fact that any parent would recognize: this is not a good moment, much less a perfect moment, for songwriting. But Brenton plows ahead and sings what he has so far, asking Brian what he thinks because Brenton is stuck on what to do for the chorus. Brian says: "How about 'Halleluiah'?"

The song being written was none other than "Halleluiah (Your Love Is Amazing)" proving the point that they didn't have to wait in order to write a really great song.

Here's to not waiting anymore for perfect moments and for diving in during the moments of my day. Who knows what song might come out of washing dishes, cleaning up messes, managing disputes, teaching and disciplining children, making supper, doing laundry...

Creativity and Songwriting

2011-01-14T22:50:00.004-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Songwriting Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

I'm in the Certificate Phase of the worship theology courses I've been a part of these last two years, going back through the material and finishing the additional requirements that will earn me a Certificate in Worship Studies. Certainly, just a piece of paper. Most definitely much more than that in terms of growth in depth of understanding of many things related to worship, the passion of my life.

Yesterday I began a dvd series on songwriting for worship titled Worship Songwriting: Embracing Heart and Developing Skill by Brian Doerksen. Doerksen talks about the heart of a songwriter that says "There's got to be more. What I've written up until now is just a glimmer of what is in my heart to write," encouraging us to write, to be willing to take risks, to try anything, to look foolish, and to not fear mistakes.

He references Jimmy Webb who in his book Tunesmith tells of a time when he had been taken under the wing of Broadway master Michael Bennett. Mr. Bennett shows Jimmy the room where he will be composing music and says, "In this room, you can never make a mistake." [1]

At first read, I cringed and thought, "Wow, what a lot of pressure to have to work under, to never be able to make a mistake." But as Jimmy continues, he explains that what was really meant was that "there is no crossed-out, blotted word on paper or half-croaked note or stumbling, tripping step toward the songwriter's goal that is unseemly or shameful...creativity is a blameless process...to exist at all it must function unselfconsciously and without guilt..." [2]

What a relief to hear, and Brian's encouragement to not fear mistakes seems a little more doable in light of there not being anything shameful or unseemly in creative attempts.

Now, creativity will be challenged, even opposed, particularly when it comes to worship songwriting done out of a passion to see God's Kingdom come here on earth as it is in Heaven. There is an opposing kingdom that would seek to destroy the heart of every sincere songwriter and leave it a mangled mess of discouragement, despair, and depression.

That's why it is so important to remember that everything we do out of love and service to God has a part in building for His Kingdom. I can guard my heart and mind with the truth that God delights in my feeble offerings of creativity, whether they be eloquent lines or scribbles of thought, and there is no shame in offering it to God.

Why not write a song today? Scripture says that we are to sing to the Lord a new song (Psalm 33, 96, 98, 144, 149 - to name a few). Go ahead and sing Him a few lines from your heart. Risk a few moments of embarrassment and be willing to look foolish as you reflect the glory of the Lord back to Him in your creative offering.

1 Jimmy Webb, Tunesmith (Hyperion: New York, 1998), 21.
2 Ibid, 22.

Surprised by Hope - Part 2

2011-01-08T23:57:00.005-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

(see Part 1 here)

With the issue of the resurrection settled once again in my mind, Wright moves to why a good understanding of Easter is important. Easter is not “Jesus is raised; therefore there is life after death.” Easter announces that “Jesus is raised, so he is the Messiah, and therefore he is the world’s true Lord; Jesus is raised, so God’s new creation has begun – and we, his followers, have a job to do! Jesus is raised, so we must act as his heralds, announcing his lordship to the entire world, making his Kingdom come on earth as in heaven.” [1]

This gives life so much more purpose than waiting and watching for death to come or the end of the world to arrive so that I might go to Heaven. I have a job to do, and the resurrection means that “nothing done in the Lord, in the power of the Spirit, in the present time will be wasted in God’s future.”[2] It brings meaning to everything I do in His name.

The Enlightenment and the Renaissance say that “history is accelerating towards a wonderful goal…[and] we will become what we have the potential to be by education and hard work.” [3] Platonic Dualism that says the physical is evil, the body is a tomb to escape. But Christianity says that the new creation was birthed through the resurrection of Jesus and it is only through the work on the cross that redemption occurs.

Early Christians didn’t believe in progress nor in deterioration of the world with a goal to escape it. “They believed that God was going to do for the whole cosmos what he had done for Jesus at Easter”[4] and that they were to be His instruments for that work. They, along with all of creation, had a forward look to the future in God.

“It looks as though God intends to flood the universe with himself, as though the universe, the entire cosmos, was designed as a receptacle for his love…it is designed to be filled, flooded, drenched in God…”[5] Creation is not yet complete and is waiting for that day when all the forces of rebellion have been vanquished and creation is completely free to respond to the love of the Creator.

In Revelation, joining of Heaven and Earth is not the separation of the world from God, but the right joining of God with creation in a redeemed relationship. Erroneous end-times theology says that this world is doomed for destruction and Christians will be rescued out of it. Judgment is mistakenly seen as vengeful. In reality it is that “God…in the end, [will] put it all to rights, straighten it out, producing not just a sigh of relief all around but shouting for joy from the trees and the fields, the seas and the floods. “[6]

The settling happening deep within me is an echo of that sigh that all of creation will breathe on the last days. It’s the recognition that this process, this journey that I am on is all part of God’s straightening-out plan that He’s called me to be a part of. The resurrection is not all about me and my redemption, although it certainly is a part of it. My ultimate destiny is not the ultimate question. Israel thought that how they were going to be rescued by God was the ultimate purpose of God. But what God was really acting on was how He was/is going to rescue the world through Israel and rescue Israel in the process. Asking instead what my part is in God’s rescue mission of the world puts me in a position for being rescued in the process of the world being rescued. [7]

Jesus was doing in the present what He was promising in the future, giving people the opportunity to experience redemption in the present so that they might enjoy the renewal process leading into the future, becoming co-laborers with Him in this renewal, re-creation, redemptive process. “The point of the resurrection…is that the present bodily life is not valueless just because it will die…What you do in the present – by painting, preaching, singing, sewing, praying, teaching, building hospitals, digging wells, campaigning for justice, writing poems, caring for the needy, loving your neighbor as yourself – will last into God’s future…They are part of what we may call building for God’s kingdom.”[8]

Thus, my whole life, every act of worship must be reordered around the resurrection. “…our present space, time, and matter are all subject not to rejection but to redemption.”[9] I must look at my world with new lenses because of the resurrection. It infuses hope into every situation because God is at work right here and right now through His agents (you and me empowered by His Spirit) to redeem the whole of creation. This world is passing away in the sense that the old is gone and the new is here. It is not awaiting destruction but rather redemption and that work began at the cross and was birthed at the resurrection.

While some days it may feel like my world is sliding into greater and greater chaos and disarray, the truth in light of the resurrection is that it is being redeemed bit by bit through the power of the redemptive work of Jesus. My hope that was being whittled away by the worries and cares of this world so needed an infusion of the Truth that came via N.T. Wright and Surprised by Hope. There will still be days of struggle. There will probably still be days when I find my hope in need of refreshing. But now I stand stronger, wiser, more firmly convinced of Whom I have believed, of the reality of His resurrection, and of the wonderful, redeeming move of God that has been sweeping the planet since the day Jesus rose from the dead.

Glory, halleluiah. What a Savior! I have been surprised by Hope.

[1] Ibid, 56.
[2] Ibid, 26.
[3] Ibid, 81,85.
[4] Ibid, 93.
[5] Ibid, 102.
[6] Ibid, 121.
[7] Ibid, 185.
[8] Ibid, 192-193.
[9] Ibid, 264.

Surprised by Hope - Part 1

2011-01-08T23:43:00.007-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

As the wife of an ex-Christian agnostic, there are days when my faith feels shaky, when I wonder (again) if there is any validity to my husband’s doubts, when I wonder if what I’ve chosen to believe is really true. Most days what anchors me is the experience of a relationship with Christ that has sustained me the better part of my life. But there are days when the intellectual arguments replay in my thoughts and doubts creep in.

Enter Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright. I wasn’t having “one of those days” when I started reading it, but as the words began to soak into my soul, I found myself settling somewhere deep inside. This particular season of life has been so crazy that I didn’t even notice the internal swirlings as needing to be settled. I hadn’t even had time to acknowledge their existence, much less analyze the source.

The reality is, though, that my hope had been waning, and I didn’t even know it.

N.T. Wright begins by asking: “First, what is the ultimate Christian hope. Second, what hope is there for change, rescue, transformation, new possibilities within the world in the present?”[1] What is this hope that fuels all we are to do as Christians? Answering these questions is a matter of “thinking straight about God and His purposes for the cosmos and about what God is doing right now, already as a part of those purposes.”[2]

Straight thinking. It really begins there. Having renewed thinking, getting the right thoughts about God and who He is is essential to a vibrant and healthy relationship with the Triune God. In this 2-part post I am going to explore some of the ideas put forth in Surprised by Hope that have helped to restore hope in my life.

My view of death and resurrection are key to sustaining straight thinking about God and His Kingdom. Is death an enemy or “welcome friend”?[3] According to Scripture, death is an enemy that was conquered at the cross. The Platonic view has invaded Christian thinking, however, causing us to devalue this present world, our physical bodies, and to think of them as somehow shabby or shameful. With this view, death is welcomed as an escape from this world.[4]

But is Heaven just a place we go to when we die? If so, then shouldn’t we welcome death so that we can go to heaven to be with God? Wright points out that such a view of heaven limits our understanding of God. Heaven is God’s Kingdom, and it’s not just somewhere we go when we die. Heaven is “the other, hidden dimension of our ordinary life…God’s dimension.”[5] It is His rule coming on earth as it is in Heaven.

So where does the ultimate Christian hope lie? While glorious and certainly wonderful, Heaven is not it. Our hope lies in the event of the bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ and the new creation that was birthed in that moment.

Not found in paganism, the idea of resurrection was unique to Jewish and later to Christian thought.[6] For the first-century Jew, however, resurrection was thought to be a sweeping event for all of God’s people that would bring God’s Kingdom here on earth as in Heaven. With Christianity, resurrection became two events: 1) Jesus – one person in the middle of history and 2) believers on the last day.[7]

For my husband, the resurrection is one of the key points of contention. Most agnostic literature around our house brings it into question and categorizes it as a tale told by the disciples in order to explain away an awkward situation: the death of Jesus, the supposed Messiah.

What is interesting to note is that the Jews did not ever anticipate a messiah who would die, much less one who would raise from the dead. When Jesus spoke of raising from the dead, it would have confused the disciples who were thinking of the resurrection as one event for all of God’s people, not one that their teacher would experience before them. “No Jew with any idea of how the language of messiahship worked could have possibly imagined, after his crucifixion, that Jesus of Nazareth was indeed the Lord’s anointed. But from very early on, as witnessed by what may be pre-Pauline fragments of early creedal belief, the Christians affirmed that Jesus was indeed the Messiah, precisely because of his resurrection.”[8] (to be continued)

1 N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope (New York: HarperCollins Press, 2008), 5.
2 Ibid, 5.
3 Ibid, 17.
4 Ibid, 26.
5 Ibid, 19.
6 Ibid, 42.
7 Ibid, 45.
8 Ibid, 47-48.

Celebrate!

2011-01-06T22:33:00.005-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

We serve a God who celebrates. All throughout Scripture, God is shown as one who rejoices, who dances, who sings over His creation. He set up feast days and commanded the people of Israel to celebrate. Jesus’ first miracle was performed at a celebration. Celebration is not a human idea. It is first of all God’s idea, and He alone truly knows how to celebrate.

Nowhere in Scripture is celebration a dry, rigid event. It is filled with food, laughter, dancing, and rejoicing. The fact that the church at Corinth was reprimanded for becoming drunk at the Lord’s table indicates that the early church’s communion time was a much more festive and abundant occasion than our meager cracker and sip of juice/wine of today. I think the pendulum has swung too far.

“Fundmentally, those who lose their joy when they see dancing or hear laughter in the church have a faulty understanding of God. Subjectively, they cannot truly enjoy such things because they do not really believe that God would enjoy such things. A radical change in one’s view of God should take place at the point of conversion, because celebration is part and parcel of salvation. “[1]

At the heart of our reaction to celebration is a lie that says that God is always somber and that emotion and physical expression in worship is displeasing to Him. We only have to look at the Psalms to see that this is not the case. The Psalms are full of expressive acts of worship and full of emotion. In the Old Testament, celebration was a solemn requirement, not an option. Deut 16:15 “…you shall be altogether joyful.” I guess joy and celebration do not have to spring from a feeling!

High points in the Old Testament were marked by festivity and dancing “especially…when God’s mighty acts were experienced or when the covenant was renewed.”[2] I hate to say it, but in the West, festivity and dancing of this nature are reserved for touchdowns and homeruns by our favorite sports teams. God might get a golf clap or an “amen” or “halleluiah” in church today. The truth is: He deserves a hoe down.

“As the church retreated from the use of dance in worship, it was gradually taken over by secular society, and what was originally created by God for the praise of God became the property of men with no love for God. The secularization of dance is a direct result, not of the renewal of the church, but of the retreat of the church.” [3]

Let’s get renewed. Let’s allow the light of His countenance to shed light on the lies we are believing about Him that are keeping us from joining in the fullness of the celebration that He intends for us to participate in here on earth. Let’s open our hearts and minds to the cleansing power of His Truth and allow Him to reset our thinking about who He really is: the celebratory God that dances wildly with ecstatic jumping and leaping over His beloved bride.

1 Derek Morphew, "The Restoration of Celebration," Inside Worship.
2 ibid.
3 ibid.

Disciplines of a Worship Leader

2011-01-06T13:08:00.004-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

I love the way that Peter Fitch describes the disciplines of worship leaders:

Foot-washing: we are to love and serve in humility and grace those whom the Lord has placed in our care. We can only do this out of the overflow of our relationship with God. “…the quality of the water in the basin will have something to do with the quality of the leader’s secret inner life with God.” Amen.

Loaves and fishes: we are never to become dependent on our gifts to get the job done. “…we are ultimately in a position of inadequacy no matter how gifted we are…Human musicianship…does not have the capacity to touch the soul and set it spiritually free. Jesus does. We offer the loaves and fishes of our songs and ideas; He adds His Presence in a mysterious and miraculous way.”

Water-walking: leading worship is risky business. We are often called to get out of the boat and walk out beyond the comfortable places into something we can only do in His strength.

Cross-carrying: we must die to self. “…there will be more need for soul-cleansing in the people around you than there will be for you to artistically express yourself.”

Raising the dead: faithfulness to the above disciplines may give me the “experience …of watching people that are lost and hopeless suddenly receiving the Life of God in a tangible way, shattering bondages and bringing them into newness and freedom and joy.”

all quotes from Peter Fitch, "Inner Living, Outer Giving: Spiritual Disciplines for the Worshiping Heart", Inside Worship.

The New Song

2011-01-04T13:03:00.001-06:00

for the Essentials In Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Singing is an important part of corporate worship. It’s easy to do together and when a song is familiar, everyone can join in.

There is another aspect to song termed in Scripture as the “new” song. We have been given a gift: “the capacity to respond to the present work of God with a heart song that is fresh, immediate, current, renewing and rebuilding – a song that is pleasing to the One we worship, and by extension is a strength to our souls.” [1] Most often we are a part of the corporate song, but the new song gives wings to what God is doing in this moment and allows a fresh response to His goodness and love in our lives. Most important of all, God must be the source of the new, fresh songs, not the culture.

For too long, now, culture has been given the reigns of creativity that once belonged to the Church. Instead of the Church leading in creativity in just about any arena, the culture has become the one to set the standard and to define what is popular and what is not.

As a worship leader, I have the opportunity to change the tide in small ways within the sphere of influence that the Lord gives me. Jesus “has moored His worship…in human civilization” [2], and we are asked to be vessels of His redemptive power at work within each of us to bring healing and wholeness to the culture, to the world around us. We don’t do this by mimicking culture; rather, we do it through catching God’s heart, delighting in who He is, and releasing the sound of the Lord to the earth through whatever gifts and talents He has placed within us.

1 Dan Wilt, "Exploring Our Roots: The Contemporary Worship Movement", Inside Worship.
2 ibid.

Praying the Prayers of Others

2010-12-31T18:09:00.006-06:00

I did not grow up in a tradition that used or truly valued the use of prayers written by others. The only exception would be the Lord's Prayer which was used because, of course, it was written by Jesus. The spontaneous or "unique" prayer was what I was taught, learning to pray in public, putting my thoughts to God into words to be spoken, on-the-fly aloud in a group. Although I don't think anyone actually ever said this to me, I grew up thinking that this type of praying must be superior to reciting prayers or even pre-writing a prayer to pray outloud at a later time. And this type of thinking has engendered a type of pride within me because I know how to pray aloud, on the spot.

Not pretty.

Today as I was listening to an interview with N.T. Wright, something he said nailed me between the eyes regarding this pride that's been growing in my heart over the years. He says that to use the prayers of others is actually a sign of humility, allowing someone else's words to express some longing within my own heart and learning from them. He further encourages that if the Holy Spirit helped them to pray in that fashion, why not "ride in on their coat tails." [1]

These "old" prayers can serve as a structure, not that restricts or boxes in my prayers. Rather, they give me a framework from which to start, a springboard into areas of prayer and meditation that might not have occured to me before, offering me a fresh perspective of the Lord and His work in my life. The very speaking of them become a form of praise as I join in with another's expression of worship.

In these last couple of years, I have been discovering these ancient prayers and their writers and have been so blessed by them. But, to be honest, a part of me has struggled with using their writings and prayers in my "quiet time" because somehow I felt like it was less authentic since it wasn't spontaneous and uniquely from me.

Like a good friend of mine says: "We sing other people's songs. Why not pray other people's prayers?" I am looking forward to this next year, to discovering the prayers of the ancients (anyone older than I am) and being blessed by the move of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

1 "Reclaiming Worship: a training interview with N.T. Wright"

Who We Worship

2010-12-31T17:55:00.004-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

The Trinity is one of the greatest mysteries and most important tenants of the Christian faith, and I am becoming more aware of how that Community and my understanding of it impacts the community I am a part of here.

As a worship leader, it is important to become “a prayerfully and thoughtfully informed Trinitarian” [1] through study and meditation of the character of God. I am reconciled to Father through the Son by the power of the Holy Spirit.

For most Christians who we worship is obvious: God. But by God, who do most Christians focus on? Father? Son? Holy Spirit? Depending on your particular church, you will probably find an emphasis leaning more towards one or the other, and yet to worship God is to worship all 3 Persons of the Godhead.

In the Trinity, each Person who “abides in the other, remains uniquely what He is…Each has a unique role to play in redemption and should be praised for His unique work. To lead the Church in worship, the worship leader must join with the persons of the Triune God in praising them according to their unique glory and work.” [2]

In the West, we tend to be very individualistic in our worship, in our faith practices, but God shows us the value of community by revealing it within Himself. It is not the Father alone, nor the Son alone, nor the Spirit alone. It is all Three working in community with each other: “the three persons, in perfect harmony, giving without reservation to one another, independent, bound together in love, all involved in a celebration of life, love, peace and joy.”

How does this play out in leading worship? First and foremost, I must choose songs that resonate the truth of the Trinity. The songs we sing are more often than not remembered far longer than the sermons we hear. As such, it is vitally important to choose songs and write songs that accurately depict the Triune God.

It also means that the way I participate in community will reflect my understanding and view of God as Triune. [3] Just as the Trinity works together without fear, competition, condemnation or shame, so I need to learn to live and work with those around me in a spirit of love not fear, being all I’m called to be while encouraging and supporting others in being all they are designed to be.

1 “Leading Trinitarian Worship” by Berten Waggoner, Inside Worship.
2 ibid.
3 “Who Is the God We Worship?” by Dr. Don Williams and Brenton Brown, Inside Worship.

What Is Worship?

2010-12-29T00:40:00.003-06:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

What is worship? Is it music? Is it dance? Is it songs? When we say "let's worship" we typically mean something to do with music, but worship, in it's most truest form is so much more than that.

Worship is expression, prayer, compassion, proclamation. It is practiced within our relationships with family, friends, strangers, our culture. It requires character growth and holiness and a pursuit of truth. It resists compartments and embraces wholeness at every level. Worship invades every aspect of our lives and reveals who it is we are focusing on because we become like what (or who) we worship. [1]

As a Christian, I worship God. And I can only worship Him as He chooses to reveal Himself to me. He loves me, and I get to love Him back, pulling from the love He deposited within me. Worship belongs to Him and I can only do it out of what He has given me.

It's not a show to impress Him, to let Him see how hard I can work. It's a healing, restoring, beautifying experience that He initiates and I respond to. It's my whole life living in response to His love for me. [2]

N.T. Wright says that it is the task of humans to relect God into the world like an angled mirror. [3] Then I get to reflect back to God the "inarticulate praise" of the inanimate creation by articulating it through prayer, song, dance, art, words...

Matt Redman says that the revelation of God is what fuels the fire of worship. Without revelation there is no worship. [4] It is my responsibility to press into God and to watch for Him to reveal Himself to me. I must determine to keep my eyes fixed on Him so as not to miss the revelation, particularly in challenging circumstances when the temptation is to turn my eyes to the challenge and try to figure out a way to work things out. Worship means keeping my eyes fixed on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, and trusting Him to strengthen and deepen my faith, praising Him and declaring His eternal attributes of faithfulness and goodness, knowing that He will work all things together for my good and that He will lead and guide me in the way I should go.

As I purpose to do this day in and day out, intimacy with God grows more intimate. Relationship with Him is the real adventure of worship and is never boring or dull. Brian Doerksen says, "Real intimacy is real adventure." Amen.

This intimacy allows me to have a life formed by Jesus that is at peace whether He is speaking or is silent. It allows me to be confident in the light or in the darkness because regardless of how it feels, I know that He is with me, actively loving me. It enables me to carry His image into the world and to show compassion in practical ways that change culture, establish justice, redeem brokenness, and free captives. Intimacy is the fount from which worship in spirit and in truth flows from me to the Father, Son and Spirit, relecting His image to the world around me. [5]

1 What Is Worship? a DVD Training Experience. Dan Wilt. 2006 Vineyard Music USA.
2 ibid.
3 ibid.
4 ibid.
5 ibid.

The formula for worship

2010-10-25T22:26:00.008-05:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Certificate Course with Dan Wilt

One of the things I have absolutely loved about my experience at worshiptraining.com has been the absolute gems that are the course spines. Amazing, thought-provoking, deep and wide...I wouldn't have discovered them otherwise as they weren't even on my reading radar.

For e*b Certificate level, I had the choice to read Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright or Worship by Evelyn Underhill. Sometimes an overachiever, I am choosing to read both at a slow and thoughtful pace. As I said in yesterday's post, I've finished Surprised and will be writing an essay (sounds so bookish and official, like I'm back in school or something) on it as soon as I process a bit more.

Wright I "met" last year and now want to read everything he's written. Evelyn is a brand new friend, and I think I'm really going to like her. She writes with great depth and passion on my greatest passion: worship. I am taking small bites and chewing many times, so I've barely made it past the intro.

"Worship," says Evelyn, "is the response of the creature to the Eternal." [1] God shows up. I respond with worship. If there is no revelation, there can be no worship.

So often, though, worship gets wrapped up in me: my posture, my position, my thoughts, my heart. That's called self-focus, and however holy it may seem to "examine myself", it's about the farthest thing away from worship. Not that a realization of that within me which is not right won't occur when God shows up. But that should never be my focus. If anything, it should bring me to a realization of the goodness and greatness of God, creating a desire in me to draw near to Him so that I might be more like Him, leaving that old stuff behind and embracing His holiness and righteousness that He has placed within me to make me more like Himself.

About 9 years ago, while pregnant with baby #4, I attended a conference in Fort Worth. The worship leader was gifted and anointed to lead us into the presence of God. People were freely worshiping all over the auditorium, all the way right up to the stage. The first night, I sat about as far in the back as I could get...up in the balcony on just about the last row. I found it terribly difficult to engage with the Lord in worship, so I examined myself, was found wanting, and focused on what I had done wrong and needed to do better.

The next day, I sat closer to the front. Engaging was a little easier, but again, I was focused on the things I had done wrong and needed to do better in order to be a more worthy worshipper. I remember very clearly the moment the Lord broke into my reverie: "Who is worship about anyway? Why don't you try looking at Me for a change. Go up front and focus on Who I am."

In an instant I realized the subtle deception I had been under, thinking that somehow I was worshipping by recounting, and even repenting, of what I had done wrong. Now, repenting is not wrong, but I and the things I have done wrong should never ever become the objects of my focus. That, pure and simple, is idolatry. The Lord revealed the lie. Replaced it with His truth. Repentance came. My heart turned and focused on the One. And as a physical act of the change in perspective my heart had just undergone, I went up front, and I danced before the Lord.

Such freedom! Such glory! What a Saviour!!!

Evelyn says it well: "'I come to seek God because I need Him,' may be an adequate formula for prayer. 'I come to adore His splendour, and fling myself and all that I have at His feet,' is the only possible formula for worship.'" [2]

God revealed Himself to me that day. I flung myself at His feet, and in His light, I saw light. [3] I worshipped in spirit and in truth, and I have never been the same...because all of that stuff that had captured my attention before was turned to beauty by just one glance of His eye. [4] I don't need to look at it. I just need to look at Him, and then, and only then, will I find myself being increasingly transformed into His image, from glory to glory [5], a new creation washed and made clean by the power of the blood of the Lamb, made perfect through His perfect sacrifice.

My eyes fixed on You
Revealing Yourself to me
I'm changed by what I see
in You

Your glory fills my heart
Worship flows
from the start
It's You
I see You

I see You
I am new

May my gaze
be ever fixed
on You

May revelation
ever continue
from You

May worship
ever spring forth
to You

1 Evelyn Underhill, Worship (USA, Harper & Brothers, 1937), 3.
2 ibid, 9.
3 Psalm 36:9 NIV.
4 Evelyn Underhill, Worship (USA, Harper & Brothers, 1937), 6.
5 2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV, NASB.

Hope

2010-10-24T21:02:00.004-05:00

for the Essentials Blue In Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I'm back in the Essentials courses, this time for university credit. Seriously the best "thing" I've spent my time and money on in...probably ever. And it just keeps getting better and better. I can't say enough good things about the people over at worshiptraining.com, and I'm continually amazed at the quality program they have put together for such a great price. I know I sound like a commercial, but this is totally unsolicited praise.

If you can carve out 6-8 hours a week for 4 weeks, head over to worshiptraining.com and sign up for a course or 2. Or talk to your worship pastor about signing your church up. They offer a great church-wide subscription that make it possible for anyone in the church to take 1 course or 6 courses. Essentials courses have deepened and broadened me in ways I didn't think possible, but not in knowledge (although that's been good and abundant) or information. It's been in depth of understanding of the goodness and greatness of God, and it's caused me to draw near to Him, to long to sit at His feet, to relish the privilege that it is to be His favored daughter...

End accolades.

This is my 3rd run with Essentials Blue (e*b). Yes it is my favorite...well it was until I did the courses on worship leading, song writing and spiritual formation. It runs a close 2nd with spiritual formation. I've already done all of the basic course work for e*b, so this go around I'm doing the extra assignment for university credit which is to read Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright. It's a little more cerebral than Simply Christian but oh so good.

It's been a gentle breeze that has blown away some of the fog that slowly and stealthily accumulates whilst unbelief is a part of our household. I don't even know it's there until someone like N.T. Wright comes along and blows a little. The fog moves and I realize: "Oh, I can see more clearly now." And so I step full on into the wind and allow it to relentlessly tear away the bits of unbelief that have tried to intertwine with my thoughts.

The book is done and it's time to put pen to paper to summarize my thoughts. Check back soon. Meanwhile, go to worshiptraining.com and check it out. Be sure to tell them Heather sent you.

Sudden

2010-09-03T06:52:00.002-05:00

After the joyful celebration of our son's 13th birthday yesterday, we received news of the tragic loss of a young man (now married and a father) who we had the privilege of serving as children's pastor and youth pastor during our staff days at church.

I remember one particular time when my son was about 2 years old. Some of the youth were joking around and said, "You better watch out. Your son might turn out like E," indicating this young man. I was tempted to join in the banter, but instead turned to him and said, "You know, actually I would be happy if he turns out like you."

Smiling, surprised at my response, this young man said, "Really?" and walked away, his head a little higher, his step more confident.

And looking at my son, I see he does share some of the same qualities and characteristics of E. Loving and kind, compassionate, a friend to those in need, just to name a few. We are stunned that he is gone. Pray for his family: wife and young son, mom, sister, and countless others who were impacted by his too-short life.

Come quickly, Lord
Angel legions to our aid
This tragic loss
Assails our souls
And questions bring more grief

There are no answers
To our whys
And so to You we cling
The solid rock
In this life's storm
The refuge that we need

Rise up, O Comfort
Come with speed
Wrap in Your strong embrace
The shattered hearts in deepest pain
Struggling to believe

You are the light in darkest night
The One who bears the pain
You hold and love
Console and catch
The tears of those who weep.

HFC Syndrome

2010-08-15T16:17:00.002-05:00

HFC [Home-From-Camp] Syndrome is a term my sister came up with to describe the days post-camp when one suffers depression after so much fun, food, and friends at camp.

Well, we have it. Full force.

How could we not after such a glorious week at Laity Lodge Family Camp where I had no need to plan or fix meals or keep my children occupied? The wonderful staff at Laity Lodge took care of all of that for me. I just had to show up, eat, participate and have fun.

So the question is: How do I continue in that spirit of being relaxed and having fun with my kids while I return to my responsibilities of official meal and activity coordinator?

I don't quite know. It's a difficult balance for me to maintain. And this very moment I am having to constantly remind myself to cast my cares on Him. He really does care for me and cares that I walk in rest and peace.

It's important to Him that I have fun with my kids in the midst of running a household and coordinating school. He desires for me to have abundant life outside of family camp and to thrive in my role here at home. His plans for me are good.

I'm holding on to those truths this week as HFC lingers and we get back into the everyday rhythm of life. In all honesty, though, I am already looking forward to going again next year!

"My Dream"

2010-08-01T16:19:00.000-05:00

Worship is my passion. Loving God, ministering to the Lord with music, dance, art, my life…it’s what I was created for. The greatest delight for me is to see others discover this same passion and freedom to live every aspect of life out of the overflow of a life-giving relationship with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.

I dream of a day when the church is so engaged in loving and worshiping God with their whole lives that entire neighborhoods, cities, states, countries are transformed by the Presence of God.

I dream of a day when believers set their faces like flint towards the Lord and unbelievers are drawn to the light of His glory. I desire to create environments where people can experience the manifest Presence of God and be awakened in their hearts, souls, minds and spirits to what it means to be truly human: reconnecting with all of the aspects of God’s image that they bear and then turning and calling out the same in others. As people become more fully alive, they enter into worship in spirit and in truth, creating a worship “vortex” that draws all to Christ.

I dream of a day when worship happens spontaneously on the street: at the store, in the parking lot, in the market place, in homes, at church… As we love Him and love each other, the atmosphere of Heaven invades our hearts and minds, the sound of the Lord is released in our midst, and we see people healed, saved and delivered through worship.

Spiritual Formations: Lengthen Your Stride

2010-07-27T22:55:00.004-05:00

The Essentials In Spiritual Formation Worship Course with Dan Wilt

Apparently, God has it a top priority that I continue the process of becoming fully human. This theme keeps turning up over and over again wherever I turn. Some days it seems too risky to pursue. It means mistakes and looking messy.

It also means I become more fully alive, more "in my element."

I was out walking a couple of weeks ago and decided to jog a few yards. As I started out, I heard the Lord tell me: "It's time to let out your stride and not hold back any longer." So I quit mincing steps and took my full stride and instantly felt the freedom come to run. I didn't run far...maybe 1/4 mile, but it was a physical experience that has forever etched in my mind what it means to live in my element, to stretch out and go.

In keeping my stride in, I thought I was conserving effort. Once I let my stride out, however, I realized it took more energy to keep it in than it did to let it out.

As does living my life by a list of shoulds, restricting movement as an act of self-preservation, trying to be perfect and meet expectations that don't match up with who I am.

Still pondering this one. Just some unfinished thoughts here, but I think I'm onto something, at least for me personally...a shift in season as I become more aware of what it feels like to move freely as God created me to.

... and it's midnight again

2010-07-23T23:54:00.004-05:00

I really should get to bed, but I just can't get settled tonight.

Sometime this afternoon, I hit a wall. I'd gotten very little sleep and was feeling taxed by the pull to be mommy to my kids whilst caring well for my mother-in-law. It seemed the two roles were at odds throughout the day.

I keep reminding my kids that we are privileged to be able to care for their GeeMa, that we don't know how much time we will have like this with her at her house, that we need to embrace the moment and trust God's working all things together for our good. There are sacrifices we make along the way because it's a divine opportunity to serve the least of these.

And it is, but today was hard.

I know of others who have cared for aging parents or other sick loved ones over a much longer period of time than the 2 weeks we've been doing this. I think of my aunt's friend who's been caring for her dad for quite some time, first in her home and now in a facility, trying to juggle her four young kids, husband and household. There's also my friend whose son has had multiple health issues since birth. I've watched her walk through some of the challenges of trying to care for his needs while meeting the needs of her other 4 children and her husband. Not to mention trying to take care of herself.

These people are my heroes tonight. I am awed by how they are sustained in a difficult task with little or no reprieve. I know it's the Lord. I know each one of them have been prepared for their moments just like I have been. And I pray tonight that they will sense His Presence in extra measure. That in those moments when they are crying out for mercy and strength, they will find themselves enveloped in the strength and power of Jesus. I pray that those intense times of caregiving will always be accompanied by an increased awareness of the arm of the Lord upholding them, loving them, empowering them for the tasks at hand.

And I pray that they would continually run into people who are Jesus to them in the moments when they most need that touch of human kindness.

You, my heroes, are the hands and feet of Jesus. May you feel His smile of delight and the joy that He has for you. May it strengthen you and give you peace. May you find moments of rest beside the still waters and find food to sustain you in this season.

Spiritual Formations: Why I'm blogging at midnight.

2010-07-23T00:45:00.000-05:00

For: The Essentials In Spiritual Formation Worship Course with Dan Wilt

Six months ago, my mother-in-law Bonnie fell and broke her hip. After hip replacement surgery and a stint in a rehab hospital, she was 2 weeks from being strong enough to come home again with my father-in-law. That plan was derailed when she contracted aspirated pneumonia (a complication often associated with Parkinson's, which she has), and a 3 week hospital stay virtually erased all of the progress she had physically made since surgery.

With benefits running out and her strong desire to return home, we arranged for caregivers to come assist with her care and brought her home (to her house) 2 weeks ago. We did not fully anticipate the amount of time and restructuring of our home life this has required.

To complicate matters, my father-in-law Dick had to be hospitalized most of last week, requiring one of her children (by birth or by love) to be present 24/7. He got to return home last Friday. But today, after going for a routine visit, he was told they were going to keep him a couple of days.

And so, unexpectedly, I find myself spending the night tonight in their home with time to blog and reflect on the importance of spiritual formation.

What does all this have to do with spiritual formation? Well, about 9 months ago, I felt strongly impressed that I needed to start getting up much earlier than was my custom. Having tried and failed before, this time I wrote it on my calendar. Mysteriously, that is what it took to get me to wake up early.

This early time was for spending alone time with Him and for getting in a work out. The one sounds spiritual, the other not so much, but both have come into play these last 2 weeks.

In those early morning hours, I meditated on Scripture, journaled, read excerpts of writings by C.S. Lewis, Brennan Manning, Henri J. M. Nouwen, Gregory of Nyssa, Richard Rolle, Teresa of Avila, Ignatius of Loyola, Madame Guyon, Dag Hammarskjold...my soul was fed on the richest of fares. And I was strengthened.

Then I would typically go for a 4+ mile walk or to the Y to work out - some sort of cardio and some weights. I signed up for a session with a personal trainer and put a plan in place. And I was strengthened.

I find myself today needing to remember that the Lord has prepared me for this intense season that is requiring so much physical and spiritual/emotional strength ~ where there is no "plan." Where my day, my week, my month is, out of necessity, dependent upon the needs of my in-laws and I must draw from the strong center the Lord built within me these past 9 months.

See, the Lord is not surprised by the things that surprised me today, yesterday, 2 weeks ago. He has been preparing me for this moment, preparing me and my family to serve in this way for at least the last 9 months...almost certainly longer.

Now, my mother-in-law is one of the sweetest, kindest, gentlest people I know. She does not complain. She is grateful and thankful. She is humble. It is an honor to serve her in this way. But, to be honest, it's not how we planned to spend July. It took us by surprise.

But since the Lord has been strengthening the core of my being through physical and spiritual exercise, as the need has arisen, so has the joy and the energy to sustain the change in direction of this portion of our lives.

I am tired and it's now closer to 1 a.m. than midnight. I will need to wake in just a few hours to start the day with Bonnie, but because of the Lord's great love, I will start the day knowing that God has my back, that His strength is at my core, that His power is made perfect in weakness, and that in His presence I have no lack.

He has given me everything I need.

"Quench your crankiness"**

2010-06-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

I recently read a Reader's Digest article that mentions a study done on athletes who were given water workout during practice versus those who weren't. Those who didn't drink water had mild levels of dehydration like you or I might have if we forget to drink enough water during a busy day. The "no water" group of athletes experienced more confusion, anger, tension and mild depression than those who drank water.

Huh. So maybe when I'm feeling cranky I just need to drink a glass of water.

And maybe I am experiencing more than just a bit of physical dehydration. Maybe my crankiness is also due to dehydration of the spiritual kind. Maybe I've gone through one-too-many practices without being sure I'm drinking in the Holy Spirit. Perhaps I've tried to quench my thirst with busy-ness or good activities or some other alternative that may take the edge off, but never truly quenches my thirst.

So, what about you? Feeling cranky? Not drinking enough pure water?

Cup your hands and ask the Lord for a drink from His Living Water. Wait for Him to satisfy that (or those) dehydrated place(s) of your soul. Take time to drink deep. Then make sure you carry around that glass of Living Water with you throughout your day. Refuse all substitutes. And while you're at it, go grab a glass of H2O and as you drink it, picture the Holy Spirit quenching your thirst, both physical and spiritual. Thank Him for His refreshing presence and commit to staying hydrated today.

Jeremiah 2:13 "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

John 4:10 "Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.'"

**title borrowed from Reader's Digest article in June/July 2010 issue pg 97

Worship without Props

2010-06-16T23:06:00.001-05:00

For the Essentials In Worship Leading Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt

I was at Jesus Culture last week with my oldest 2 kids. It was 2 1/2 days packed with worship, speakers, workshops, outreach...all of it extraordinary and life-changing. One of our sessions was with Jake Hamilton where he talked about the importance of worship without props.

Since we are to live our lives out of a place of worship, can we worship with no music? no instruments? no fancy band? no stage? Can we worship when things are hard? When we don't understand? When the music's not to our fancy or the lyrics are repeated too many times? Can we still worship when it's hot, when it's cold, when we're uncomfortable, hungry, thirsty? Will we still worship when God seem silent? When we don't feel like it? Will we choose to lift our voice in praise when offended? Sick? Tired?

Wednesday night while at Jesus Culture, something curious happened with my guitar and the bridge spontaneously began to pop off, warping the front, causing a crack to form. My guitar is now in the shop getting fixed, and I find myself without my main "prop" for slowing down and entering into an attitude of worship. More than once today and yesterday I've found myself missing my guitar and wanting to spend some time in worship, but I have moved onto other things since my guitar is gone.

Not having my guitar is a small thing in the scheme of things. I'm waking up to my own dependence on this prop of mine and have determined that tomorrow, or maybe even tonight after I finish writing this post, I will worship without props. It's not much of a sacrifice of praise, really. But it is good practice for the days when the props such as health and comfort are not around to put me "in the mood" for worship.

I can't help but think of the Matt Redman song "Heart of Worship." (lyrics below). May we all choose to cultivate a heart of worship, being willing to live a life of worship with or without props and to continually bring to Him who is Worthy of all our praises our simple offerings.

"Heart of Worship"

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

Bridge
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worhip
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Verse 2
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath

Essentials in Songwriting and The ongoing struggle of identity

2010-05-26T22:29:00.000-05:00

For the Essentials In Songwriting Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt

Identity and significance are an ongoing struggle for me in this journey to find my place in the arts.

"What?" I can already hear some of you responding. "You? Struggle?"

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do. And one of the main reasons the struggle is ongoing is this insidious tendency I have to compare myself to others.

I know I've counseled many to not do that very thing, but I am as guilty as you. It's part of the internal voice that goes something like this:

"Look at that person. They can _______ better than you. You might not get an opportunity to _______. Who are you anyway? Where do you fit in? Are you even good enough? Why do you even bother to try?"

Stinks. And what stinks even more is that, sometimes, I start to believe that maybe this voice is asking valid questions and making valid points. The insecurities rise full-force to the surface and before I know it, I've just about thrown away the word of the Lord to me:

"Heather, you are an artist. You are My artist. Use your stick figures and paintings for My glory. Sing your songs. Play them on guitar. Play them on piano. Wave your flags and dance your dance for Me. Do it even when you feel insignificant. Do it even when you are afraid. Do it for My Kingdom in full display. Do it when there's no one watching to assess their merit. It is enough that you do it here for Me."

Staring over the precipe of the lie, I realize once again the importance of reviewing the things the Lord has said to me over the years, strengthening myself in Him, and grounding myself in His Word...so that I don't succumb to the tempation to believe a lie and enter into an agreement with the enemy of my soul who would like nothing more than to see me lose confidence in the One who sustains me and teaches me all things.

Michael Hanses says this in his article "The Measure of a Songwriter": "Buying into a lie of what success means is a costly mistake. You start to look at other songwriters as the competition...You forget that we are one Body with many parts, that our Father has just the right place for each one of us according to His design."

The Lord has a specific place in His Body for my feeble artistic offerings. No one else's fit just there. His design for me is unlike the design He has for any other, so to enter into the comparison/competition trap, is to desire something that I am not created for. I'm not designed to be anyone other than Heather. I can look and learn from others, of course. I can view their work and listen/watch for tools to incorporate into my offerings.

But I can't be them. To be them would be to be less me. And to be less me would not bring God glory.

And I want to give Him all I can.

So I commit again to struggle through, to not give up, to embrace my destiny...to continue to offer up whatever artisic offering these hands or this voice or these feet of mine create.

I choose to believe, by faith, that God fulfills His plans and purposes for me. I choose to listen to His voice, to receive the sustenance of affirmation from His hand, and to stop listening to that deceiver.

I choose to create and, in the creating, to find my true significance, my unique identity in the One who created me and knows me better than I know myself.

I choose to continue on this journey to be
fully human,
fully Heather,
fully alive in Christ.

Without Wavering

2010-05-24T07:53:00.000-05:00

I want to be like the ancients
Who held onto faith
Without wavering through unbelief
They believed what You said
Held onto promises
Through generations

Without wavering

I want to know how to
Hold onto promises
Hold onto Your truth
Hold onto Your word
Standing in faith
Though I never see You come
Though my circumstances never yield in my time

Let me believe
Help me stand strong
Your Word is true
To You I belong

Without wavering

Holy Boldness

2010-05-21T09:05:00.001-05:00

Keeping in time
to Your heart
to Your voice
Walking in step with You

Always brings adventure
Stretching me
Honing me
Stirring me

To greater heights
Greater measures
Weightier glory

Though I cannot see
Though my mind cannot comprehend
Though emotions swirl
And I feel upside down and uncertain

You are strong
You are faithful
You I trust
You I hope in

For You do what You say You'll do
You are Who You say You are
You go beyond all I can hope or imagine
You are extravagant and holy and awesome

And You are bringing an
Unprecedented Holy Boldness
On Your people
to change the world
to bring Your Kingdom here on earth
as it is in Heaven

Blow, Spirit, blow
Open hearts
Ready to receive
Willing to do Your bidding

Shake us
Make us
Mold us
Fill us once again

Songwriting and a "Blue-Sky Mind"

2010-05-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

For the Essentials In Songwriting Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt
A few years ago, when I began my journey as an artist, I found that the biggest hindrance to creativity was internal dialog. I would start to create and then stop because it didn't look right, I wasn't talented/gifted/creative enough, who did I think I was anyway...

And I would stop before I had even started.

Somewhere along the way, God revealed to me that I needed to turn away from that voice, press through, and create. Anything. It didn't matter if it was a stick figure. Creating was the point. Not the product.

Dan Wilt calls it "having a blue-sky mind."

I love the image that brings me: a wide-open space, deep blue and beckoning me to enter its depths. It's the process of turning off the internal editor and allowing thoughts and feelings and ideas to flow uninhibited over the pages of my heart, not judging or condemning or assessing. Just being and flowing.

I haven't painted or created much of anything in a while. So as I pick up the songwriting craft in a more purposeful way, I'm going to cultivate a blue-sky mind, expecting creativity to come forth filling the wide open spaces with an abundance of thoughts and ideas to play with, to create from, to explore...

How about you? Join me! Turn off that internal editor. Pull up a blue sky.
Brainstorm.
Dream.
Create!

I'm back...

2010-05-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

I've been AWOL for several weeks, and it's taken another Essentials Course (on Songwriting to be exact) to get be back on track with writing here. That, and a friend asked why I hadn't been blogging which made me think that maybe I should be.

After reading back in February about a week-long internet fast that Jennifer @ Conversiondiary.com had done, I was finally pushed to do what I had suspected I needed to do for quite some time: spend less time online.

I took Lent as my starting point and committed to stay off of email and Facebook and severely limit internet access for 7 weeks, with breaks on Mondays and Thursdays to take care of online obligations. As Jennifer recommended, I set boundaries for those breaks: only after 9 p.m. when the kids were in bed and only for 30 minutes to 1 hour. I also allowed myself to briefly look up information during the day, but I tried to make a list of what I needed to do and then do it all at once during the "break days."

Let me just say...those weeks of Lent I found myself much more productive on the home front and much more in tune to the Lord without all of that distracting noise that the internet creates in my life. Instead of escaping to email/facebook/websurfing when things got intense around here, I would find a chore to do, read my Bible some, play guitar, worship, etc.

So, now I'm back online and struggling to find a reasonable rhythm for my internet activity while maintaining the perspective I gained during the fast. It's not easy, but I'm committed to figuring it out and breaking from the internet regularly.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll churn out some thoughts on songwriting and having a "blue sky mind."

What's your value?

2010-02-02T06:40:00.000-06:00

Thoughts from reading William Temple's "The Church's Impact upon Society."

I have so far to go. I am convicted as I read this selection from this week's reading for the Spiritual Formations call with Dan Wilt.

How often do I look at myself or others truly as God sees them? Not often enough. So many times I place myself as the "center of reference," using my values, my grid, to determine worth. I put myself in God's place which, according to Temple, is the basis of original sin. Bingo.

My thinking, my values and grid, must originate with God, not myself, or else I am prone to faulty thinking and a misguided value system that stems from the law, not grace. I get caught up in being "concerned with people as they are, not with people as they ought to be."

TRUE value is not worth based on self. No. True value comes from what we are worth to God, and I must train my mind to view myself and others with His purposes and destiny in mind.

You are my Portion

2010-02-02T05:48:00.000-06:00

It's quiet here. And it should be. It's early in the morning, at least for this household, and a good time for solitude, pondering, blogging.

Today my thoughts lead me towards Psalm 16:5-6. I love how God's Word comes alive and jumps off the page at me in new ways. I love having Holy Spirit for my teacher.

Psalm 16:5-6
"O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
6 The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.

Here's what jumped out at me: The Lord is my portion.

I know, you've probably heard it and/or sung it in its various forms a million different times. I have. But I had never stopped to think about what that actually means.

The Lord is my portion.

I don't know about you, but when I hear the word portion, I think of it as being a part of a larger whole. And because of my still-not-wholly-renewed mindset, any portion I would receive should be relative to what is my due, what I've earned, what I've deserved.

The definition of justification by grace that I was taught growing up is essentially that I don't get what I deserve because of what Christ's death on the cross and resurrection from the grave purchased: a clean slate, a new heart. As my dad would say, it's "just as if I'd never sinned."

So why do I still operate out of a poverty mentality (for that is truly what it is) and act like my portion is based on my performance? God, help me break free!

If the Lord is my portion, there's no bigger portion out there to be had. I have the biggest portion available. He's my inheritance given to me, completely undeservedly, through the cross.

He's my cup, my lot in life. It doesn't get any better or bigger! And from that perspective, the boundary lines certainly are in pleasant places - they are infinitely good as they encompass, if that's even possible, my good, loving, just, holy, true, awesome and powerful God who gave Himself freely to me so that I might be given back to Him as His inheritance.

Blows. my. mind.

fully human (part 2) *eb week 3

2010-01-28T01:20:00.000-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

"We are caught on a small island near the point where these tectonic plates - heaven and earth, future and present - are scrunching themselves together. Be ready for earthquakes!" [1]

I don't mean to make light of the situation in Haiti by referring to earthquakes, although I think there is an analogy here to be explored another day, but this quote from N.T. Wright grabs me because I feel the turmoil of tectonic plates in my life as I've committed myself to the pursuit of being fully human.

Last year while doing Essentials Blue for the first time, I was blown away by the notion that heaven and earth overlap within me and that I am a place where people can encounter God. This possibility of God-encounters only increases as I become more fully human, more Heather.

I always thought I had to be less Heather to be more like God, but come to find out I need to be more Heather in order to most accurately portray the image of the One I bear. To say this has caused upheaval would be an understatement.

But in the earthquake that has rocked my miniscule part of the planet, old structures (faulty, embedded beliefs) have fallen, treasures of the deep have been uncovered, natural resources have begun to grow again, and I am finding a pace and a peace that draws me nearer to God and releases me to glorify Him more completely.

As we become more fully human in our recognition, acknowledgement, and full acceptance of who we are uniquely created to be, may our lives make this declaration:

“God rules in this place. God’s goodness, love, mercy, kindness and grace are your shield and protection – offer your allegiance to this benevolent Sovereign who will rule us with mutual joy!” [2]

1 N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 161.
2 Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Theology, 29.

fully human - *eb week 3

2010-01-28T00:22:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

creative. relational. just. spiritual.
not compartments or boxes
rather uncommon threads woven in and out
a tapestry of grace
bearing the image of the Master

recognition brings understanding
the creation
wholly reflecting
the creative
relational
just
spiritual
One who made me to be
like Him

in form and fashion
healing the sick
raising the dead
opening blind eyes
setting captives free
freedom for the oppressed

through music
and dancing
and art

through action
and service
and work

through parties
and gatherings
and meals

through prayer
and silence
and being
totally

who He created

fully me
fully human

Is God in control?

2010-01-22T23:46:00.000-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I've been wrestling for some time now with embedded (things I've just believed without really thinking them through) theology regarding God, His power and authority, and whether or not He is really in control.

We sing about it. We talk about it. We end conversations with "Well, God is in control," as if that somehow is the answer to the struggle of why some things happen the way they do.

But I don't really think God is automatically in control of anyone or anything other than Himself. He gave up that option when He designed free will into creation. Often times when we say that, it is (watch out, I may step on toes here) a cop out when what we really need to be doing is seeking the Lord to see where we need to bring His authority and to repent of where we might have dropped the ball.

Now, before you start throwing things at me, I don't have this all thought out perfectly. I wouldn't mind some good discussion on the topic. I don't want to really argue about it, however. So if you read my blog and you disagree with me, feel free to present your thoughts to me in a kind fashion. I'm really not a bad person.

That being said, allow me to think out loud a bit.

I do believe God is all-powerful. I believe He could step in at any moment and take control. I also believe He has all authority and that He has placed in our hands a large portion (more than we realize, it would seem) of that authority with which we are to rule the earth as He would. I also believe He is all-knowing, loving, just, kind, true. I believe that everything the Bible says about God is true.

I think, though, that Scripture indicates He limits Himself first through giving us free will and then through choosing to work through His creation, through His people, through me. I and others like me are what He plans to use in His renewing-the-earth plan. In a sense, He's placed control in my hands.

Yikes.

N.T Wright says it this way: "...he acts from within the creation itself, with all the ambiguities and paradoxes which that involves, in order to deal with the multiple problems that have resulted from human rebellion, and so to restore creation itself. And he acts from within the covenant people themselves, to complete the rescue operation and fulfill its original purpose." [1]

He acts from within "the covenant people themselves." That's me. And that is some of you. I don't understand how it works, but somehow God is at peace with letting a lot ride on what I do or don't do. And with all that responsibility, He lets me know that He works all things together for my good and that my mistakes (and there are many) are not beyond His redemptive power.

So with these thoughts is this dawning of understanding of the utter importance of believing that I am who God says I am. I need to fully know who I am in Christ so that I can be all He has called me to be in this time and place and not be double minded.

He created me and fashioned me and purposed me to bring His authority into every situation, to reestablish His rule and reign on the earth, to recognize that I have the Spirit of the Most High residing in me. That makes me a place where Heaven and earth overlap, a vessel through which God desires to execute His rescue operation to bring things back under His control and authority.

And for this rescue operation of God's to really work, His covenant people can't just sit back and say "Well, God is in control" and just expect it to all work out. I mean, it does work out in the end, but I want to be a part of it working it out because He's asked me to. He designed specific parts of the mission just for me to do!

I want God to so control me (and it only happens if I choose to give Him the reins, wouldn't you agree?), I want to be so completely and willingly possessed by the Holy Spirit that everywhere I go His Kingdom shows up and puts that which is wrong to right...puts God back in control, in authority on earth as it is in Heaven...

I hear God enjoys a good wrestling match. You'll know me by my limp ;-)

Grace and peace.

1 N.T. Wright, Simply Christian (New York: Harper Collins, 2006) 75.

Essentials Blue...Here we go again!

2010-01-22T07:59:00.000-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I couldn't resist another round of worship theology with my friends Dan and Will over at worshiptraining.com. So when Essentials Blue came around again this January, I had to jump in and swim again in the "ungrippable waters" (thanks, Dan!) with the learning community made up of worship leaders from all over the world.

Although I have read and written about the material before, there is so much to delve into, I could take this course every year for 10 years and still find new gems to hold up to the light, turning them this way and that, watching the light catch the different facets and gaining new insights and an even deeper understanding of what it means to worship in spirit and in truth.

I can't recommend it enough.

May my awareness of who God is and who I am in Him continue to grow and deepen with each moment. May I be diligent to hone my craft and to be all that He has called me to be in the sphere He has called me to lead in.

Can't wait until...

2010-01-21T22:44:00.000-06:00

Ever said that? Usually it comes out of my mouth when I am either anticipating something really exciting or presently going through less-than-pleasant circumstances.

I've determined not to say it anymore.

I'm purposing to be more fully engaged in the here and now so that I don't end up in nowhere, waiting for some future event to occur, hoping something will change.

I am going to find joy in this moment, right now.

At the very least, I can rejoice that my name is written in Heaven (Luke 10:20). And that's no small cause for celebration.

Feeling desolate?

2010-01-18T21:13:00.000-06:00

I love, love, love Ignatius of Loyola. Of course, the very fact that he is a Spanish writer gives him extra points right of the start. I love everything Spanish. Well, almost. I don't care much for that dish "Bacalao con Tomate," but other than that, Spain is my "other country." And Ignatius' writings, although penned almost 500 years ago, resonate deeply within me, giving me one more thing to love about Spain.

The Devotional Classics selection by Ignatius is taken from The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius the bulk of which he wrote after having decided to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, selling all of his worldly goods, only to find his ship stuck in Manresa (Spain) for a year.

Apparently, instead of moaning and groaning about plans thwarted, asking God why, or throwing in the towel, Ignatius presses into God and draws every bit out of that unexpected year in Manresa, not seeming to waste many moments, if any, having "several profound mystical experiences that led him to begin sharing his faith with others." (1)

And he wrote notes on what to do in hard times, how to prepare oneself for times of desolation, discerning what spirit is at work, standing firm with great determination. He explained that there is an evil spirit causing "anxiety and sadness" creating "obstacles based on false reasoning" and a good spirit who gives "courage and strength, consolation, tears, inspiration, and peace..." (2)

Reading those words this past week reminded me that there are indeed two very distinct spirits seeking to influence my thoughts, my day. I have a choice which voice I listen to. Listening to the voice that speaks anxiety and sadness, regret and guilt, causes me to build my day on false reasoning. But focusing on the Voice who speaks courage and strength allows me to move in freedom throughout my day, unhampered by the obstacles caused by unbelief.

He doesn't say, however, that there won't be hard times or moments of desolation. Rather, in the moments when we are pressing in to the Voice of the Holy Spirit and turning away from the evil one, we have a season of "consolation," moments of "increase of faith, hope, and charity and...interior joy that calls and attracts to heavenly things...inspiring it [one's soul] with peace and quiet in Christ our Lord."(3) These times of consolation serve to strengthen us, help us formulate a plan for how we will behave during any future time of desolation, and so store up strength for that time.

Desolation by contrast is that "darkness of the soul, turmoil of the mind, inclination to low and earthly things, restlessness resulting from many disturbances and temptations which leads to loss of faith, loss of hope, loss of love."(4) It encompasses those moments when we are tempted with the thoughts that God has abandoned us or turned His back on His promises to us.

Ignatius advises us: "In times of desolation one should never make a change, but stand firm and constant in the resolution and decision which guided him the day before the desolation, or to the decision which he observed in the preceding consolation."(5) Excellent advice.

My time as an exchange student in Spain was actually fraught with times of desolation. It really is a miracle that I got hooked at all by the Spanish bug. But I guess working through those deep times of distress, crying out to the Lord because where else could I turn?, connected me with the country in a deeply spiritual way that continues to today.

I was 17. I was alone. I knew no one. I had 3 years of high school Spanish that seemed to leak right out of my brain the moment I stepped foot off the airplane. I had a challenging host family situation that left me mentally and emotionally exhausted most of the time.

But I had the Lord. And best of all, He had me. He brought me through that time and inspired my soul with peace in more ways than I remember. He faithfully walked with me and taught me things about Him and about myself I don't think I could have learned any other way.

Spain is the ground where the rubber met the proverbial road in my spiritual life. And in perhaps the darkest times of my life, God kept my soul alive through moments of consolations where He strengthened me and poured in the courage I would need for the next stretch. He proved Himself faithful time and time again.

Those lessons learned in that season have served me well. And Ignatius' writings remind me today to walk in God's grace daily and to make the most of every opportunity to fuel up on God's courage, strength, and peace so that on that day desolation tries to lay hold of my soul, I am ready to stand determined on the truth of His Word to me.

So, do you find yourself feeling desolate? Call out to the Lord. Remind Yourself of the Truth. Stay the course. 1 Peter 5:6-11 sums it up:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Richard J. Foster and James Bryan Smith, Devotional Classics (New York: Harper Collins, Revised 2005), 193
2 Ibid, 193-194
3 Ibid
4 Ibid
5 Ibid

Jesus Satisfied the Punishment

2010-01-01T13:01:00.001-06:00

Jesus satisfied the punishment
He paid in full
Quenched the anger
Now compasion and kindness
Released to us
Love unbound flows over us
Peace like a river washes us
We become the heirs
once cut off
now bound by blood
His forever.

We are found in Christ
No more sin
No more shame
Terror destroyed
Life and love and joy and happiness
Kingdom power and majesty
Honor and glory and strength
Are His
and become ours
as He bestows
changing our clothes
placing on our heads
A crown of righteousness

Now His ambassadors on the earth
Set free to be
Representatives
Image-bearers restored
Givers of light
Lovers of men
Honoring all
Showing compassion and kindness and mercy and forgiveness
Releasing captives
Setting prisoners free
Opening blind eyes and deaf ears
Healing the broken hearted
Lifting the crushed in spirit

It's what we do
It's who we are
Christ in us
the Hope of glory
Shines through
Changes the world
bringing peace
restoring hope
lighting fires

Jesus.

Is 54 ff

Solitude

2009-12-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

Solitude with You
Brings peace, love, tranquility
So I come to sit
Only to find
Interruptions
Distractions
War
Work
Wailing
All fighting to stay

I shut the door.

They pound and insist
Knocking and cajoling:
PLEASE LET US IN
WHY HAVE YOU SHUT US OUT

I remain silent
Focused

The voices gradually fading away
As I am drawn into
Solitude
With You
Where there is
Peace, love, tranquility
Where Your voice plays
Over the strings of
My heart

Strengthening me
Giving me space
to listen
to hear
You speak

Solitude.

My friend Erin

2009-12-02T07:50:00.000-06:00

I read my friend Erin' blog this morning and my heart filled with thankfulness for this one the Lord placed in my path many years ago - first as a youth in our church's youth group, then as a youth leader during my husband's youth pastor days, and now as a dear friend who walks through life with me.

This December we will be concluding 4 years of Mexico trips together.

The first one was during a season of transition for all of us, but particularly Erin. Erin had come home to Texas after spending extended time away doing various ministry-related jobs with YWAM, Flywheel, Muskoga Woods. She was uncertain where her next season would land her. Our church was in transition as we had a new pastor (Bob) and were working through the process of establishing relationships and learning how to do ministry together.

Bob decided to take a small team to Mazatlan, Mexico, and Erin signed up to go. So did I.

We were roomies, and she was the only person on the team who knew about my recently discovered pregnancy. We look to Emily's age to help us remember how long our church has been involved in Mexico.

Not long after that trip to Mazatlan, Erin and I began walking weekly together, sharing life's struggles and triumphs, discussing theological ideas, planning Mexico trips...and in the midst of walking, God built a friendship.

God, thank You so much for that.

There's so much more I could say about our Mexico trips together, the art symposium we spontaneously attended, Advent paintings, coffee...and perhaps one day those stories will be blogged. But for now, in an unpolished way, I just want to say how thankful I am for Erin, for our friendship, for the many ways she has led and pioneered how our church does missions in Mexico, for her consistency, her trust in Jesus, her willingness to think creatively...for the grace with which she walks out transition.

And today we will go shopping for shoes for kids in Mexico, and we will plan our last (or next-to-last, as they would say in Spain) trip to Mexico together. We will reminisce some about last year's shoe trip and think through ways we can improve and create a more fluid experience for the team we'll be leading. It will be memorable, I'm sure. And it will mark the end of one season for Erin and the beginning of a new one as she transitions into new things this next year.

Erin, I'm so glad you invited me to walk with you and look forward to the wonders this next season brings as you faithfully look to the One who has called you according to His purposes. It can't be anything but glorious.

Give Thanks to the Lord

2009-11-26T08:49:00.000-06:00

The trumpeters and singers joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang:
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
Then the temple of the LORD was filled with a cloud, 14 and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the temple of God."
2 Chronicles 5:13-14 emphasis mine

This passage overwhelms me with longing. Oh to experience the Presence of the Lord in this way! Somehow in this moment, these Old Testament worshippers touched the heart of God. Their praises, their voices lifted in thanksgiving and unabashed declarations of His love and goodness, brought the tangible, visible presence of the Lord into their midst. The temple was filled with the cloud of the glory of the Lord and the priests couldn't serve. They couldn't DO anything. They just had to experience and worship in the Presence. They could only BE.

A similar occurrence happens two chapters later at the dedication of the temple:

"When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. 2 The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. 3 When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the LORD above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the LORD, saying,
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
2 Chronicles 7:1-3 empahsis mine

This time there's fire and glory: fire that consumes the sacrifice and glory that fills the temple. And the Israelites response? Faces to the ground, worship and praise flowing from their lips as they declare the goodness and the love of the Lord.

Thanksgiving.
Worship.
Fire.
Glory.
More worship.

These worshippers in Chronicles lived under the old covenant, and the glory and the fire filled a building made of wood and stone. Their worship brought down the Presence in a tangible, visible way and their response was to just worship. To cease activity and to fall on their faces and express the goodness and love of the Lord.

As children born under the new covenant, we ARE the temple of the Lord, the place where He has chosen to dwell. We are the vessels that He most desires to fill with His glory. We are also His priests, chosen and appointed to minister to Him day and night. How much more should we who have been given open access to the Throne of God through the blood of Jesus experience the tangible, visible Presence of the Lord!

As you offer sacrifices of praise to the Lord, as you rejoice and remember the ways the Lord has blessed you, kept you, surrounded you and defended you. As You remember how He's provided, poured out His everlasting love, faithfully shown you His amazing goodness. As you thank Him and praise Him and declare His love and goodness...

May you be filled with the cloud of His glory and the fire of His presence.

May your hearts be drawn to just sit at His feet, to gaze at His face, and to hear His voice speak Your name.

And with faces to the ground may our response to His tremendous outpouring of Love and Goodness be to worship and declare loudly and passionately:

You are good!
Your love endures forever!

Teach the Child - Charlotte Mason part 2

2009-11-20T13:50:00.001-06:00

Day 2 of the Charlotte Mason workshop I attended in San Antonio was just what I needed. It was the "how-to" portion and gave me great tools and ideas for how to implement Charlotte's ideas in our home. Most of all, though, I was reminded to "teach the child, not the curriculum."

My children are unique individuals with distinct callings on their lives. They need regular contact with God's creation, free time to process and explore and study independently, short (emphasis on short), structured lessons to give them fodder for thought and most of all a mom who can relax and teach her children instead of the curriculum.

In my opinion, one of the biggest pitfalls for me of a prepared curriculum is the self-imposed pressure to do everything "by the book." And I do mean everything. Most curriculum I look at tells you to not try and do it all, but to pick and choose, according to the individual family needs.

But I don't want to miss anything. And I sure don't want to leave out something important because it all is so very vital to their growth and development. I might scar them for life if I don't do it all exactly as written and suggested. That one thing I chose to skip might be the very piece of information they needed for success and I didn't include it.

Can you feel the panic mounting?

If anything this weekend workshop helped me to stop, take a deep breath, and relax. To be reminded first and foremost that God cares infinitely more about my children, about me, than I have come close to grasping. I really can trust Him to lead and guide me in our family's education journey. I absolutely don't have to stress about doing it all or covering every base. He is faithful. Always.

God used the time to help me see more clearly the path to this gentle way of teaching my children and I look forward to facilitating what the Lord is doing in each of my children as I smooth the way for them to experience Him in all we do.

Isaiah 40:3-5 comes to mind and I like how Eugene Peterson paraphrases it in The Message:

"Prepare for God's arrival!
Make the road straight and smooth,
a highway fit for our God.
Fill in the valleys,
level off the hills,
Smooth out the ruts,
clear out the rocks.
Then God's bright glory will shine
and everyone will see it.
Yes. Just as God has said."

Flame of Love

2009-11-16T22:45:00.000-06:00

a response to Richard Rolle's The Spiritual Flame:

Flame of love burn bright in me
Consume my earthly fears
Restore to me passion and purity
Light the way as I go

Be to me the obsession of my life
Let me not turn away
May all I do and all I say
Come from this place of burning love

Refresh my heart, renew my mind
Keep me ever focused and true
Put Your heart within mine
Let them burn as one

Do not abandon me to my desires
My life is in Your hands
Draw my eyes to Your heart of fire
Envelope me, O Flame

On my nightstand

2009-11-15T21:38:00.001-06:00

This month, I have several books going on my "nightstand" (proverbial as I don't do much reading in my room these days). My mom would say I get this from her as she often has multiple books going on at once. I don't do that often as I prefer to work through one book at a time, but for some reason (most probably due to DNA) I have gravitated towards having many started at once.

I've been working through Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, and, boy, is it shedding light on areas I don't trust God in. I say "ouch" several times a page, but it's worth every word. I usually read this one while I'm on a bike or eliptical machine at the Y in the early (for me) morning. It's exercises my brain while I exercise my body and becomes food for thought all day long.

Then there's Repenting of Religion by Gregory Boyd. I've barely cleared the introduction, but I can tell that it will be surgery performed on my heart. And just in time. God's been bringing this particular topic up quite frequently of late and the first few lines I read yelled out: Confirmation! Read me now!. I've only had this book for almost a year, and it's not like me to not start a new book right away, but looks like the timing is just perfect.

Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk has me on round 2. If you are a parent, you should read this. If you are not a parent, you should read this. So, so good. I will blog about it at another time, but suffice to say it is the best parenting book I have read to date. Or maybe it's just timely for me. Either way, go read it.

I have been savoring Holy Spirit Revelation and Revolution by Reinhard Bonke for a few months now, ever since I won the freebie contest on a blog. Lots of meat there. Chew slowly, at least 20 times each bite.

I picked up Princess Bride (yes, the one the movie came from) at the library on a whim the other day. It's fun, light reading...and it's actually the only one on this list actually on my night stand as I've taken to reading it before going to sleep. So far I haven't gotten past the author/abridger's introduction. It is fascinating or at least very interesting. I never used to read the intros to books...always skipped straight to the story. I must be getting older.

Finally, I am every-so-slowly moving through Devotional Classics, edited by Richard J. Foster and James Bryan Smith. I discovered this book through the Essentials Green course I took last spring. What a treasure it is. There is a virtual group of us reading selections and dialoging about them every 2 weeks or so. This week's selection is by Richard Rolle of York who lived from 1290-1349.

Look for my thoughts on that tomorrow.

Negativity Fast

2009-11-08T08:29:00.001-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, the words "negativity fast" were dropped into my spirit and subsequently confirmed in a variety of ways, so last week I started "fasting" from saying negative things to my kids.

It's hard.

I have been more and more convicted of how I correct much more than I praise my kids. They could have the whole room picked up and vacuumed, and I never mention what they have done well. Instead I zero in on the one sock left on the floor or the miniscule piece of trash still on the coffee table. I point out the crumbs they missed on the kitchen counter and the spot still on the bathroom floor. Sigh.

Now, I value a job well-done and part of the correcting comes from that desire to see them learn to do all things well. But when those words are 90% of what they hear from me, I fear that the message I am sending them is not so much about doing a job well but about not ever being good enough.

And that is a terrible burden to be asking them to live under. I need to change the way I'm communicating to them.

My focus this last week has been on appreciating their work and affirming their efforts. I have not been without my share of slip-ups, but over all I can feel the kids relaxing (particularly the older ones) and the atmosphere in our home shifting more to the side of honor and love.

Which is my ultimate goal. I want our home to be full of love and honor for one another, for the things we do and the ways we serve to flow out of a place of desire to love and honor and not from a place of fear of correction and punishment.

These next several weeks, I am shifting the bulk of my communication with my family from words of correction to words of love and honor. Care to join me? Just leave a comment and in the days and weeks ahead, we can encourage one another with testimonies of how God is using this season to rebuild and renew communications within our families.

Psalm 66 - a variation

2009-11-06T06:46:00.000-06:00

Shout with joy
Sing the glory
Say to God:
Your deeds are awesome!
Your power is great!
Your enemies cringe!
Come and see what God has done...
He has set my feet on a Rock and placed a new song in my mouth
He has turned my mourning into dancing
Given me a garment of praise and a righteous robe
Praise our God
Let His praises BE HEARD from our lips
An audible sound
A loud sound
A sacrifice of praise
Look at what He's done!
Preserved our lives
Kept our feet from slipping
Tested us
Refined us

I will come with my offerings
In Your presence I will do what I've vowed, what I promised to You when I was in trouble

Come and listen!
Let me tell you what He has done for me:
I cried out to Him
Had praise on my tongue
I chose to turn from unbelief and offense
I did not hold bitterness, unforgiveness and anger in my heart
I refused to cherish sin because He would not have listened to me if I had
But He did listen
He listened and He heard my voice.
He acted on my behalf.

Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer
Praise be to God who has not withheld His love from me!

Released for more

2009-11-03T21:17:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving always releases more freedom. When I cease focusing on what I can't have, on something gone awry, on perceived lack in my life and instead practice thanksgiving and focus on the good that surrounds me, I am no longer tethered to the dead weight of ungratefulness, negativity and pessimism. I am free to fly on the wings of possibilities with God. I am free to bask in His goodness and to rely on His faithfulness in every situation. I am released for more laughter, more joy, more trust...more God.

Perspective

2009-10-31T08:00:00.001-05:00

My prayer today is to become more aware of the intensity and determination of God's commitment to me. He is more passionate, more aware, more concerned about me and my loved ones than I could ever be. I can rest in that, in His everlasting love and His continued faithfulness to me.

On Charlotte Mason

2009-10-30T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'm attending a Charlotte Mason seminar this weekend. Charlotte Mason lived in the 1800's and had a "revolutionary" philosophy of education that continues to make waves in educational circles and bring people back to the heart of learning/teaching. I was wondering today if she had any clue when she wrote her 6 volumes on education that her work would still be speaking to people nearly 100 years later.

So, here's quote of hers that I heard today on the importance of forming good habits in ourselves and our children:

The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with children.

Habits, good ones, that is, are an investment that pay huge dividends on down the road. It is not easy to establish them, and it may seem "easier" to just let habits form themselves. But "easier" today spells lots and lots of hard, hard work later on down the road that could be avoided by taking the pains to form good habits today.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is my main take-away from today's seminar. Tune in tomorrow for another Charlotte Mason update.

Becoming God's Friend

2009-10-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

This is true perfection: not to avoid a wicked life because like slaves we servilely fear punishment, nor to do good because we hope for rewards, as if cashing in on the virtuous life by some business-like arrangement. On the contrary, disregarding all those things for which we hope and which have been reserved by promise, we regard falling from God's friendship as the only thing dreadful and we consider becoming God's friend the only thing worth of honor and desire.

~Gregory of Nyssa from Devotional Classics (Foster and Smith), pgs 126-127.

Leaning into love a little more today than yesterday, becoming God's friend.

Just one sentence

2009-10-28T07:07:00.001-05:00

I felt the Lord say to me today: "Write every day. Even if it's just one sentence."

In You I put my hope all day long. My salvation comes from You. You alone are my Rock and my Foundation. I will not be put to shame. Because You love me, you will rescue me and place my feet upon a rock, on Your Rock of peace. I have nothing to fear for Your love has rescued me and brought me to a spacious place. The boundary lines for me have fallen in pleasant places.

~prayer from various Psalms

Do Not Worry

2009-08-26T20:56:00.001-05:00

Reading through Matthew and noting the commands that Jesus gave is not an easy task when you are paying attention to what He is asking. In my last post I mentioned the one about giving. I'll follow up now with the 2nd command that jumped out at me in the first 9 chapters: Don't worry.

I used to think that anxiety/worry wasn't an issue for me. And it probably wasn't in some more obvious areas. But in smaller, more insidious ways, it was.

Sometimes still is.

Like the time I bite my kid's head off when they ask me something or even talk back to me, but my reaction is way out of proportion to what is actually going on. Usually a sign that I'm anxious.

Or when I tear through the house like a crazed woman looking for that piece of paper that is so incredibly important that I ignore the fact that dinner should've been served an hour ago. Another anxiety marker.

And what about when I start sorting through the piles of books I need to make decisions about and I start to feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the task...anxiety.

For me all of these things and countless others that I haven't even begun to list indicate an anxiety factor in my life that is rooted in the fear that God won't take care of me. Or that I have created too big a mess for Him to manage. That this one problem is beyond His capacity to be God in my life.

What a pack of lies that is!

I've found in preparing for this school year, particularly in regards to entering into that awesome responsibility of teaching my high schooler, that I am incredibly worried. Deep down it's a belief that says that God won't lead me...that He won't continue to be faithful like He's been these past 14 years that I've been a parent.

Argh. Why do I go there again?

Of course, He is faithful. He never changes. And He sure hasn't stopped speaking to me or guiding me. He has no shadow of turning. He's what He says He is. Faithful to the core.

So I'm back to following His commands tonight. I'm throwing all of those things I'm anxious about back at His feet. I'm trusting Him to lead and guide me, to be my children's teacher, to love them like only He can.

I'm believing God.

Matthew 6:25-34

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I love the way the Message paraphrases verse 34:
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Philippians 4:6-7 :Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The Cost of Nondiscipleship

2009-08-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've joined another great web class put on by the incredible folks at Essentials Team. We're going through the book Devotional Classics which we used for a portion of the Essentials Green worship theology course. We all loved that aspect of the course so much, they added these Spiritual Formation calls with Dan Wilt which have been just amazing. By the way, the next essentials course kick off starts on September 11th. I can't recommend it enough.

This assignment's reading comes from a selction by Dallas Willard on the cost of nondiscipleship. He defines it this way:

Nondiscipleship costs abiding peace, a life penetrated throughout by love, faith that sees everything in the light of God's overriding govenance for good, hopefulness that stands firm in the most discouraging of circumstances, power to do what is right and withstand the forces of evil. In short, it costs exactly that abundance of life Jesus said he came to bring (John 10:10)

I have been contemplating this definition for several days, concluding that if I'm lacking any of those items in his definition, there's a pretty good chance it's because I'm not submitting to the disciple-making process in an area (or perhaps several) of my life.

At the end of the reading, the suggestion is made to read through the book of Matthew and list all the things Jesus commanded us to do, giving us a "mosaic of what the basic Christian life should look like according to Jesus."

I've only gotten through chapter 9 of Matthew, and already I am squirming. I notice that the commands I'm feeling most uncomfortable over all have to do with anxiety (subject for another post perhaps) and giving.

Giving, as in, if someone sues me for my tunic, give them my coat as well. Give to those who ask. Don't turn anyone away who asks to borrow.

You mean give? Just like that? I don't have to figure out if I have enough? Or if it's fair? Or if he/she is going to use it wisely or take good care of it or pay me back? Really?

That just doesn't seem *wise* somehow. But whose wisdom is that anyway?

Biblical scholars may have a way to explain a way around these blanket commands Jesus made, but I am struck with the simplistic nature of the one command.

Give.

My reluctance to give like Jesus commanded, though, is potentially costing me a lot: peace, abundant life, hopefulness, power...But deep down I'm afraid that giving like that will cost too much. That there won't be enough left over for me.

Which brings me back to a previous post on C.S. Lewis's writing on "Giving All to Christ." If I look at it from the standpoint of my natural self, when will I ever have enough to give?

The truth, though, is that when I give as a disciple of Christ, it can come from a place of abundant living in Christ, through being His disciple, obeying everything He's commanded (Matthew 28:20). Will it cost me? Most undoubtedly. Will it be easy? I hardly think so.

But will it be worth it? My head knows that the answer is a resounding "yes!" so that's the answer I'm going to give. My heart, though, is whispering a much more timid "I think so."

Lord, help me to give like you commanded! Help me to be Your disciple through and through. Let my head and heart come into unity with a confident "yes!" in Your promises and faithfulness.

Only 19 more chapters in Matthew to go...care to join me?

I am God's treasure

2009-07-15T01:00:00.000-05:00

Since 2005, I have been a part of taking teams to a colonia in Reynosa, just across the border from McAllen, TX. I take my kids with me. This July we took a team of 19 from the Vineyard churches in Arlington and Rowlett.

Our theme this summer was "Soy el tesoro de Dios" which translates to "I am God's treasure." We imparted this message via the movie "Finding Nemo" following up with 3 parables from the Gospels: the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the prodigal son.

One day as I was handing out slices of fruit to those coming through the food line, I greeted each person with the words "Eres el tesoro de Dios." Adults and kids alike. I tried to make eye contact with each one. Some looked at me and smiled real big and repeated back to me "Soy el tesoro de Dios!" remembering the lesson from the day before. Others looked a bit surprised and gave me a shy smile. And there were a few who didn't look up at all.

The enemy is relentless. At every turn he attempts to undermine God's beloved creation with the lies that make us believe we are anything but God's treasure. We have a hard time believing that we are valuable much less valued.

We got to counteract that this past week. We spoke into the lives of many children and adults the truth that God loves and values them. We released the presence of God and invited the Holy Spirit. We prayed, worshiped and prayed some more. We fed the hungry and gave drinks to the thirsty.

We prayed with a mom who had abandoned her children and given herself over to drugs and prostitution. She returned to her parents' home one day last week, just in time for us to deliver the message that God loves her and that she is His treasure. A smile spread across her face as that truth sunk in past the grime and filth of bad choices made over the years and the shame that kept her in chains.

We prayed for her and with her. Freedom from sin and death. Salvation and restoration.

She received a new heart; she became a new creation. God's lost treasure found.

She immediately began devouring the New Testament we gave her and when we returned the next day with a book of daily devotions for her, she told us she was keeping the New Testament close to her under her pillow and would be reading the daily devotional, not one day at a time as prescribed, but as much of it as she could get through in one sitting.

This mom has a hard row to hoe. Drug-addiction is not an easy bondage to come out of. She was sick, feverish and achy, but intent on leaving behind that old life and embracing the new life that Jesus offers. We can pray that she stays firm in her resolve, strengthened by the Lord and the Holy Spirit who now resides within her. We pray for those who are there to come along side her, to reinforce the truth of God's Word to her and to disciple her as she learns to walk with Jesus, the Lover of her soul.

She is His treasure. She was lost but now she's found. He searched relentlessly until He found her, and He sent us to be His hands and feet. What a privilege.

The Natural Self

2009-07-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

I've picked up Devotional Classics again and have just re-read the first selection by C.S. Lewis taken from his book Mere Christianity. He expounds on the question "How much of myself must I give?"

"But we are hoping all the time that when all the demands have been met, the poor natural self will have some chance, and some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes. In fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them all right, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on. Because we are still taking our natural self as the starting point." (p.7)

He goes on to say that if I try to meet all the demands made on the natural self, I will not have enough to live on. So true.

And so many times I live like that. I look at a task, a ministry opportunity, a chore, whatever...spiritual or not...and decide whether or not I should do it based on the natural self. Do I have "enough" in my natural self to get the job done.

These days, the answer would most often be no. My natural self is tired. My natural self wants to stay in bed and sleep all day. My natural self prefers to not do anything at all. It's just plain worn out.

And the reason I'm there (or here) is because I've been operating way too much out of my natural self. God wants all of me so that He can give me all of Him. That way, I don't run out. He never fails. He always has enough. If it's Him in me, the fountain overflows continually.

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves,' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good.'...That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals..." (p. 9)

Yes...I do that. Not on purpose, most of the time, but I do see where I am resisting giving ALL my wishes and precautions to Christ. I hold on to them as if I could do a better job of taking care of them, of protecting them. So follows the "real problem" where I am stampeded first thing in the morning by the wishes and hopes of the day, making demands on my natural self.

No wonder I want to just stay in bed.

But then Lewis says that "the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind." (p. 9)

Yes, out of the wind. So often I try to push through the wind or let it carry me wherever it blows. Which is fine when it's the wind of the Spirit, but I don't think that's what Lewis is referring to here. It's the wind of demands being made on my natural self. And God is offering me a place of refuge, a place where I can come in out of that wind and tap into that "larger, stronger, quieter life" that comes flowing in.

It flows in and brings clarity of thought, perspective, love, and peace. It allows me to rise above and see from God's perspective, to breath and be breathed upon.

I want to be better at allowing the life of Christ to flow through me rather than beside me. I want to stop using my natural self as the starting point. Instead I want to turn away from the clamoring and press in to the voice of the Father, resting in His Presence, receiving direction from His life flow.

"Christ says, 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well a those you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'" (p. 8)

e*g ... final week

2009-04-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Well...the end is here. This is the last week of the 15 week worship theology course, the impetus for this blog. I have plenty of material to blog about for a very long time, but without an imposed deadline by someone other than myself, this may be the last post for a while. If you've enjoyed reading my thoughts here, you can say a prayer that I'll stay inspired and motivated to continue writing.
Essentials Green has focused on core values in the Vineyard: Intimacy and Integrity, Accessibility and Cultural Relevance, Kingdom Expectation, and Spiritual Formation.

My creative project is a painting of a woman, pregnant with these values. Here's what I wrote about it in my class:

I know that, essentially, the creative project is meant to be something to bless my community. I don't know how many people in mine will actually see this painting. A few will catch it on Facebook or on my blog. Few will probably be impacted by the painting itself. But what's working within me are all of these thoughts and yearnings awakened over the weeks of Essentials Green (and Red and Blue). I feel pregnant. I feel like this woman contemplating her growing abdomen, amazed at the new life forming inside. And I think that I am God's creative project...after these thoughts have a chance to settle and work their way around my being, something is going to be birthed. I'm not sure exactly what, but I'm going to the next level. As in the birth of each of my children, new challenges arise with adding yet one more. And God has always equipped me for each new adventure. There will be something similar with this "birth." Challenging, definitely full of adventure, this spiritual formation has the potential to multiply, to replicate...to not just affect me but to go out and affect the world. Wow. This painting somehow captures that for me. The anticipation of good things to come. Yeah, God!

I'm not sure where things will go from here. Life is busy and without an externally imposed deadline and structure, many of the things I've enjoyed about taking this course will probably take a back seat for a while. It's just life. But I have so enjoyed these intense 15 weeks of diving deep into worship theology and look forward to the work God is doing in my life as a result.

"I Believe" Easter Presentation

2009-04-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Course Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

This past Easter, 3 of my friends and I performed the piece I wrote for the Essentials Blue worship theology course titled "I Believe." A couple of months ago, I posted my rough version. Here's the tweaked version we recorded on Sunday.

I don't really know how it is that I was able to write this piece. Originally it was a response to the hardest discussion question I've ever had to answer in my life. It required digging deep and finding words to express the essence of what I believe. It caused me to groan under the weight of wordless thoughts and emotions as I wrestled to make them come into a tangible form. I struggled with the way it was written in comparison to the other classmates. This was supposed to just be the notes for a nice and neat 5 paragraph essay. But I could never get it into that form.

And I'm glad.

It morphed from my discussion question answer to my creative project to a presentation we did on Easter. My heart's desire is that in some way this humble offering would bring hope and healing to the despairing and diseased, plant life and truth into the hearts of all who see it, and bring glory to My God and King...this worship expression of one walking down the path of becoming more fully human, more fully glorifying to My Creator.

I'm thinking about Accessibility and Relevance - e*g Week 2

2009-04-03T16:42:00.002-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Being a leader can sometimes leave your head spinning. How do you meet the needs of the many individuals with their varied backgrounds, tastes, maturity, etc.? How do you touch on the places of need without leaving anyone out? How can you be accessible and relevant all at the same time?

A pastor told a story once of a worship intercession gathering he hosted at his church. Having attended a few of these myself, I know first-hand that they are not geared to be "seeker-sensitive" in the human sense of the word. Strange things sometimes happen. Songs are not posted on a wall nor in a song sheet. No one explains much of what is happening. Those who lead are simply passionate about worshiping God and giving Him their full attention.

This pastor noticed someone there who looked like it was his first time. Come to find out, not only was it his first time, he had no idea what he had been invited to. Upon further conversation, the pastor found out that the young man was in a homosexual relationship and was not a believer. He told the young man to consider this place like God's living room, to have a seat and to just observe what was going on.

Within half an hour, the young man had found someone to pray for him.

Another fifteen minutes and he was giving his life to the Lord.

No one had specifically purposed to be accessible and relevant to this young man in the ways that these terms are most often understood. They had, however, made themselves available to God, spent time with Him, ministered to Him and loved on Him. His presence came. This young man found Jesus.

And don't you know, God is the most seeker-sensitive of all of us.

So, how does a church become more accessible, more relevant?

By fixing our gaze on Jesus, by soaking in His Presence, by declaring His Kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven, by being sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is saying and doing and then leading people to that place where Heaven and earth overlap.

And just maybe, we'll become accessible and relevant to those we serve, to our communities, our cities, our nation. I'm not against practical ways and methodologies. I just believe that those ideas work most effectively if they flow out of an intense focus on God and a life lived in His presence.

I'm thinking about Intimacy - e*g

2009-03-26T23:54:00.001-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I love/hate the facebook classroom for the Essentials Worship Course I've been taking these last 10+ weeks. Connecting with worshippers/worship leaders/artistic people from all over the world has filled a need I have to connect with others who share the same passions I do.

The downside has been that it's a virtual connecting with little-to-no chance of an actual physical meeting.

I mean, I would L-O-V-E to be able to call up my new friend Melissa U up in Canada and ask her to grab a cup of coffee with me or get together see what new creative venture we could dream up together. Virtual is nice, but it's just not the same as face-to-face contact.

I keep wanting to say that "well...I guess I'll see ya in heaven," but after e*b and the realization that Heaven is wherever God is...I'm left speechless and a little turned on my head as I think about being with God and somehow being with my Essentials friends right now as well. Just wish I could reach out and give them a squeeze.

e*g Honor and Integrity

2009-03-24T00:42:00.000-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

The themes this week are intimacy and integrity in worship leading. I think our church has been extremely blessed by a worship leader who models integrity at every turn. Here's what I said about him in my class post:

Our worship pastor is a man of great integrity. He has steadfastly modeled what it is to cry out to God and go deeper with Him in the midst of great trials. He consistently “elevates God as the central figure in our worship expression” and is infinitely “more concerned that God become famous through our platforms and actions than…[being] regarded because of our visibility and words.”[1]

Integrity is the foundation from which our intimacy with the Lord flows. "Our interior foundation must be able to bear the weight of our spiritual responsibilities." [2] I want to honor Robin and say that he is one of the most humble men I know. He exudes integrity. He has not wavered in ensuring that His interior foundation derive strength from personal time with God. He has relentlessly pursued intimacy with God and his leading flows increasingly from a yielded heart that is responding to God's love.

I am honored to serve under such a leader.

1. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Leadership, 8
2. Dan Wilt, Inside Worship Magazine, "The Sound of Your Life"

Essentials*Red Creative Project

2009-03-22T23:39:00.001-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

When week 5 roles around, it's always a little stressful around the essentials hallway...I've known for 4 weeks that I would have a creative project due in week 5. Ideas linger in the back of my mind...but nothing really comes into focus that is "easy." And easy would really be best for me in order to fit it in with daily life. I take a deep breath and try to figure out what exactly to create that is unique and will draw someone closer to Jesus.

Bear with me as I am somewhat vulnerable here...I have this bent in me that pushes me to do something different than everyone else. Most write songs. Really amazing songs. But since I don't fancy myself that great of a musician/songwriter, I'd rather not put myself up with all of those who are truly incredible (and this course is full of them!) It feels safer, I guess, to do something different. Then there's no one to compare me to.

But when I assessed how much time I thought I could devote to the project, the idea I had originally decided to go with (a silk painting with a Communion theme) would take too long...too many steps involved that required lengths of uninterrupted time (very hard to come by at my house). As I fought the panic of the encroaching deadline, I opted for the "easier", less-complicated (read: fewer actual steps involved) song-writing idea because I couldn't think of anything else I could possibly do.

I opened up my Bible (or Biblegateway as the case may be) and read through the Scriptures normally read for Communion. This is the sacrament that has most captured my attention during Essentials Red and the one my original project would spring from. Almost immediately, a song began forming in my head that went with the image I had wanted to paint. The way it fell together was amazing and God-breathed for me.

The funny thing is that once I finished the song, the other project fell together as well. The one I thought would take too long. For some reason, He wanted both of them, but had to withold the one in order to get me to the song. He knows what it takes to get from us what He put in us.

It's a 2-for-1 :-)

You can listen to the song and access the chord chart by clicking here.

To view the silk painting, you can go here.

And I highly recommend checking out the other creative projects in Essentials Blue and Essentials Red. There aren't any yet for Essentials Green, but check back in about 5 weeks.

Leave comments! I'd love to hear what you think.

A Statement on Worship History - e*r week 5 discussion question

2009-03-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Studying historic worship practices enriches our present worship experience, helping us to be more intentional in our worship and to receive greater revelation of who God is. It is easy to fall into the trap that the present revelation is the only right one. But since Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever [1], it behooves us to glean from the past, to see and understand past revelations and their responses (worship practices) to those revelations because we gain insight into our present and future [2].

Historically, the church has approached time with great intentionality. The Christian year provides an amazing framework which allows freedom and flexibility while providing a common rhythm bringing unity to the body of Christ. It is a means by which we can be constantly mindful of what God has done for us, drawing us into deeper intimacy as we remember Him. [3]

Appreciating the value of crafted prayers allows us to draw from the theological riches, “perspectives, personalities, times and places” [4] of those who have gone before. We also become aware of our responsibility to craft prayers as a legacy for those who follow us.

The public reading of Scriptures also serves to help us remember Him. My father memorizes large portions of Scripture and often presents a long passage in dramatic monologue. These long recitations of Scripture at first glance to a modern-day Christian may seem boring and tedious, but the power of the spoken Word quickly draws in the listener as the Word comes alive and transforms the hearer.

Remembering Him through the sacraments prophetically speaks of the God who transcends time and space yet willingly confined Himself to it so that we might be restored to relationship and abundant life. “They remind the worshipper inwardly that God has acted to save and restore them, and is at work to reveal His new creation in their very lives.” [5]

Art and music, particularly of the liturgical or communal kind, make “visible that which cannot be seen with ordinary eyes.” [6] They are effective instruments that the church can use to freshly apply historic worship practices to today. Music can turn an ancient prayer into a song that lingers on in the memory of the singer/hearer long after it has been sung. Art can turn the perspective on an ancient sacrament and make it new again to the participant. Art and music serve to help us remember Him through multi-faceted worship practices, drawing riches from the past into the present which are then built upon and invested into our future.

1. Hebrews 13:8
2. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship History, 3
3. ibid, 5
4. ibid, 17
5. ibid, 24
6. James F. White, Introduction to Christian Worship (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press), 116

On art and music - e*r week 4 Discussion Question

2009-03-12T00:21:00.000-05:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

The class administrators removed the blog post requirement from the Essentials Red course. Seeing as I've been sucking wind in this race called life lately due to my dh having to be out of town more than usual, for now, I'm just posting my discussion question answers until I have time to blog about the other deep thoughts this course is encouraging me to have. Here's what I wrote for this week:

“Art has the capacity to bypass the critical faculties of the mind and to speak directly into the soul of the observer.” [1]

This past Advent season, the staff at our church decided to try something new and pull a few visual artists together to collaborate on a project for Advent. There were five of us with the common theme of a seed sprouting into a fully formed flower. Each artist took a different stage of growth and interpreted it on canvas as it related to that week of Advent. Each Sunday of Advent, the piece that corresponded was displayed in the Sunday morning service.

There were many God stories from that process for me personally as well as amongst the group of artists. But one of the most striking stories came from a congregant who took time after the service to go and look at the paintings and ask God to speak to him through them. God spoke directly to this man’s soul and confirmed the work He was doing in His heart. He felt encouraged and strengthened.

This project was realized because our church staff took initiative to call out a few artists, to give us a framework to work within, and to release us to create. Because they took a “risk,” we the artists were greatly blessed by the unity that God wrought in our paintings, and the observers were blessed as God spoke to them through our creative processes.

Artists of all kinds need to be nurtured, called out, challenged, and embraced (to name a few) by church leaders and then given the freedom to create without fear. In this environment, new art can bring forth fresh expressions of the timeless truths that we seek to celebrate in the Christian year.

1. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship History, 31.

On Baptism - e*r Week 3 Discussion Question

2009-03-04T23:17:00.003-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I attended a small Evangelical church in Spain in the early 90's. I remember being struck by the high importance they placed on baptism, particularly the preparation period leading up to the baptism. Something about the depth of thought and length of time that they required their members to go through before taking the step of baptism and the great celebration that followed each one drew me in to a greater understanding of the seriousness of this sacrament and made me want to participate in it again, even though my own baptism when I was younger had been utterly sincere.

I’ll never forget one of the baptisms I got to attend at the Lake of Banyoles. An all day affair, we ate together (communion), prayed and worshiped together, celebrating the lives of those being baptized. We gathered down at the shore as one by one they went in, rejoicing as each one came out of the water representing new life in Christ. The crowning touch was the enthusiastic flamenco-style guitar playing as people broke out into worship at the end.

What’s the fresh application for today? Maintain the depth of meaning of baptism, move it out of doors on occasion, eat and fellowship with one another, and celebrate! The old is gone. The new is here!

Thinking about Advent (I do know it's Lent...) e*r Week 2

2009-02-26T22:05:00.002-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

I realize it's Lent, and I'm sure I'll talk some about that next post, but right now, I really am thinking about Advent.

Our course text for Essentials Red is Ancient Future Time by Robert E. Webber. Amazing book dealing with spirituality throughout the Christian Year.

What is the Christian Year? It's "life lived in the pattern of death and resurrection with Christ" (p. 21). It's the ordering of our days, our lives, so that we are constantly reflecting and purposefully meditating on the greatness of God and His redemptive work in our lives and in our world. It's a pause to stop and think about what it is that God has done, is doing and will do in our lives.

Since the bulk of our reading for this week covers Advent and Christmas, that's where most of my thoughts lie.

Webber says that Advent is the time when we long for redemption, when we inventory our lives and recognize those places where we need redemption...places where bad habits, faulty thought patterns, incorrect ways of thinking/behaving have lodged themselves and underminded our becoming fully human. He warns, however, of allowing that process to be only intellectual:

"One of our greatest problems is that we make our decisions intellectually without recourse to the deeper side of our personality. Obviously the mind must be engaged in our decisions, but decisions of life tthat are primarily formed in the mind without the pain of a gut-wrenching longing that results in sleepless nights and moments of deep anxiety are too often dismissed with the wave of the hand or a rationalization that seems intelligent and acceptable." (p. 51)

I once went to a series of seminars by an incredibly gifted Christian counselor who made the observation that decisions to change patterns of behavior are only lasting if made in a state of heightened emotional awareness. In other words, in order for change to take place, it has to be much more than an intellectual decision. The mind, heart and soul must engage in order for this change (be it good or bad) to take place.

Advent is the perfect time to allow that state of heightened emotional awareness to be a catalyst for lasting change as I allow God to redeem those areas He brings to light.

"Perhaps before God can really break in on us we need to identify someone in need and give to that person or group in a sacrificial way. How can we expect God to pour out a spiritual blessing on us when we are stingy withour abundance? Clinging to our earthly goods only arrests the flow of God's love through us and back to us again. Perhaps the intensity of God's presence in our lives this Advent season will matchthe intensity with which we are willing ot love a creature of God who is less fortunate than we." (pg. 46-47)

That gave me great pause for thought as I reflected over this past Advent season...with just a touch of panic as I wondered if we had even given thought to giving to others less fortunate.

Then God reminded me: Mexico.

About 3 times a year, my kids and I go with teams of people from our church to a small colonia outside of Reynosa, Mexico. Our December trip is focused on shoes. We go in October and trace the feet of as many children in the colonia as we can. People sign up to purchase shoes for all of these feet and we take them back to the colonia in December and deliver the shoes door-to-door.

This year, in lieu of a big Christmas at our house, each of our kids went shopping for shoes for a child in Mexico. They each helped to select the style of shoe, some socks, toys, etc. to put in the box. Since we go so often, we know some of the kids we're buying for which heightens the excitement as my children pick out things that they're sure their friend will like. You can go to my friend Erin's blog to read more about that trip if you're interested.

The very cool thing for me, as I am remembering Advent, is the recognition that we didn't really miss the big Christmas. And I think that the spiritual blessing poured out on our family was "contentment." We really are content with what we have. My younger kids expressed a little sadness at the few presents, but when I asked what more they would've wanted, none of them could really think of anything.

I'm thrilled to find that even though I wasn't studying Advent like I am now God was still leading me and my family in practicing the principles embedded in Advent. It's like He's written His law on my heart or something...

And so it is with Lent. I'll be reading about it next week. I expect I'll recognize ways I'm already incorporating Lenten principles as well as discover those new ancient ones that will enrich the journey in following the Christian year.

The Value of Communal Public Prayer And the Public Reading of Scripture - e*r Week 2 Discussion Question -

2009-02-22T23:11:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

“This is what the LORD says:
"Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls…” [1]

The whole idea of ordering my life around ancient paths appeals to me. I like the rhythm and the discipline that they offer me, the chance to plumb the depths that gave the ancients staying power when trials and tribulations came…the types of which I have never experienced. Yet, I long for the depth of character that they produced in those who have gone before, that anointed them to create lasting patterns of worship that draw all to Jesus.

Robert Webber asks how we can “participate in a present spirituality that is rooted in past events and anticipates a future event.” He answers that we do it “through a worship that continually orders the pattern of our spirituality into a remembrance of God’s saving deeds and the anticipation of the rule of God over all creation.” [2]

The public reading of Scriptures is an important aspect of remembering God’s redemptive deeds of the past and anticipating that redemption breaking into our day as well. We bring glory to God when we celebrate those deeds.[3] In a contemporary worship service, I can envision a Scripture passage being read, proclaiming God’s saving work. Next, I see someone coming forward to share a testimony of God’s current saving work in their own life, revealing the “now” of the passage as well as the “things to come” as we believe God to continue His acts of redemption.

Communal Public Prayer is another powerful means to worship that has been used throughout the ages. I love the simple yet deep prayer “St. Patrick’s Breastplate.”[4]. I was first introduced to this prayer when I attended an art symposium in Austin, TX last April. If my memory serves me correctly, first we recited it together and then we sang it together. The whole experience, the bringing of this ancient prayer into my present via word and then song, impacted me deeply and stirred up a hunger in me for more of these deep, rich, profound prayers found in the old ways.

I am challenged by the idea, however, that I would have the same potential to write something as lasting as, say, “St. Patrick’s Breastplate.” [5] In that, I am soberly reminded of my responsibility as a present-day worship artisan to be mindful and intentional in creating thoughtful, accurate songs, prayers, liturgies, etc. using the enduring truths of the Word of the Ancient of Days in the event that they become an “ancient” source of worship for those still yet to come.

1. Jeremiah 6:16 (NIV)
2. Robert E. Webber, Ancient-Future Time (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 27.
3, ibid, 29.
4. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship History, 16.
5. ibid, 17.

e*r Week 1: Time and Space

2009-02-20T00:05:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials RedOnline Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Essentials Red has officially begun and it promises to be ever bit as profound, thought-provoking, and life-changing as Essentials Blue has been.

I'm still processing much of what I read, what I learned, and I'm certain that much of what impacted me from e*b will bleed through to e*r as continues to do its work in me.

This first week in e*r, we are looking at the "worship languages" of time and space...how time and space have shaped who we are as worshippers today.

It is intriguing to me how much these 2 "languages" have been a part of my worship history without me ever giving much thought to them. And now that my heart has been awakened to their place within my history and therefore within my present, I am trying to put words to this "new" idea being presented to me.

Time: praying before meals, praying before bedtime, celebrated holidays like Christmas and Easter, a morning quiet time (or evening as the case may be)...events or rituals, if you will, done at a certain time each day, week, year.

Space: the place I go to do my quiet time, the building I attend on Sundays, the space I create during our Come to the Chamber gatherings (women's worship).

In talking about the aspect of time, James F. White in Introduction to Christian Worship says that "Christian worship is...a kind of worship that relies heavily on the structuring of time to help it fulfill its purposes (pg 23)." With regards to space, he says "Christians have always found it convenient to organize space to shelter and to enable their worship (pg 23)."

I'm looking forward to unpacking these ideas over the next few weeks as we delve into Christian worship history and begin to plumb the depths of how today has been shaped by yesterday.

Serving

2009-02-19T19:28:00.000-06:00

I often compartmentalize. I box myself into categores like mom, wife, daughter/sister/friend, missions team leader, worship leader, artist, teacher, etc. They do overlap some in my mind, but I was really challenged when I read this post by Jennifer at Conversion Diary . It's caused an acceleration in this perspective shift that's been happening in me these last few weeks.

She quotes from the book He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek, a priest who went to serve in Russia and served 20+ years in a prison after being accused of being a Vatican spy:

Our whole purpose [in Russia] -- as indeed in our whole lives -- was to do the will of God. Not the will of God as we might wish it...or as we thought in our poor human wisdom it ought to be. But rather the will of God as God envisioned it and revealed it to us each day...His will for us was the 24 hours of each day: the people, the places, the circumstances he set before us in that time. [...]

Whatever I'm doing, whether it's making supper, changing a stinky diaper, grading math tests, making lesson plans, or ministering at church, it's service to God. I'm getting away from the attitude of "I've got to hurry up and get this (menial) task done so I can go serve in a bigger way over there" and find contentment in the fact that this task, whatever it is, is the way God has called me to serve right now in this moment.

Jennifer says all of these things and more much better than I could, so I'll leave it at that and let you go read her post. Potentially life-changing...

e*b Creative Project - Part 2

2009-02-18T20:31:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

Here's the final part of my creative project for spring 2009 Essentials Blue module. To view the pdf of the project script and notes, go here . I chose 3 people to perform this piece as a reflection of the Trinity. The first 2 stanzas as well as the last 3 have movement to symbolize the different aspects of God. We start off in a single file, representing the Oneness of God, and break off into the 3 parts to represent the invidivual persons of the Trinity. We open and end with similar sequences of movement with the intent of visually symbolizing the Trinity's unity as well as uniqueness.

This is a rough idea that I hope to refine over the next few weeks and possibly perform for Easter. With that in mind, I welcome input, creative suggestions, constructive criticism, and fan mail ;-) If/when we perform this in public, we would have it memorized. Thanks to my wonderful friends Erin (center stage) and Tami (left) who graciously met with me today so I could create a video.

e*b Creative Project - part 1

2009-02-14T00:01:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

This is the final week for Essentials Blue . It is actually overlapping with the beginning of Essentials Red. It's tough for me to keep up with the pace, but I'm going to give it a go. I'll continue to update this blog as I go along.

In this final week, we were assigned a creative project...something that would spring from things we learned or that impacted us in such a way so as to overflow in artistic expression.

I decided to take my answer to week 4's assignment and turn it into a dramatic reading of sorts.

My hope is that the words coupled with the visual aspects of interpretive movement at the beginning and the end will help to draw the listener/viewer into an encounter with God.

As it is an expression of me becoming more fully human, I pray that it's affect on the listener/viewer will be that he/she becomes more fully alive or, at the very least, has the desire to become more so.

Go here to view the written portion of my project. Check back soon for the video as the written won't make much sense without the visual.

To check out the other creative projects from Essentials Blue, go here

Worship - e*b week 5

2009-02-12T14:41:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

wor•ship [\ˈwər-shəp also ˈwȯr-\ ]
noun 1: reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power ; also : an act of expressing such reverence 2: a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual 3: extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem
verb 1: verb to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion [1]

Webster points in the right direction, but the meaning of worship can hardly be contained in the few words of a definition. Like N.T. Wright says, “The best way to discover [what worship is] is to join in and find out.”[2] It must be lived out, day after day, as we tell the Kingdom Story in compelling ways through worship - exploring justice, creativity, relationship, and spirituality. It is declaring the worth of the One and responding with a flow-of-the-heart to the love the Father has lavished upon us.[3] Worship is what I was created for. It transforms me and makes me more fully human, more like the One whose Image I bear.[4] Worship is a celebration of the One who is Creator, King, Trinity and Savior.[5]

There is something about the creative arts that helps our spirits, souls and minds to connect in worship. When I see a piece of art or hear music or participate in an event where my senses are enticed to engage on many levels, that moment becomes much more a part of who I am than if it were solely an intellectual or physical exercise. When music and art are used in worship, the heart, soul and mind are invited to engage and experience the character of God, to become more fully human, more fully alive. The truths of Who God is and Who I am in relation become more firmly embedded within me when I sing about them, dance them, paint them…express them with whatever creative expression God has called out in me. Scripture is full of examples of creative forms of expression. One of my favorites comes from Psalm 95 (The Message):

“ 1-2 Come, let's shout praises to GOD, raise the roof for the Rock who saved us! Let's march into his presence singing praises,
lifting the rafters with our hymns!
6-7 So come, let us worship: bow before him,
on your knees before God, who made us!”

As I respond to God’s love in worship, others are also drawn to Him. Directly or indirectly, whether from the pew or the stage, at home or at work, I influence those around me through worship. When I choose to offer a sacrifice of praise, lifting my hands and my voice, choosing to proclaim the goodness of the Most High whether inside my heart is doubting and hurting or dancing and rejoicing, I pave the way for someone around me to experience greater freedom in worship. When I celebrate Who God is with all that is in me, I am partnering with God to create a space for my own encounter with God as well as an encounter for others.[6]

We as humans have the role of “lead worshippers of the created order.”[7] As a worship leader, I have the awesome responsibility of participating with God to open doorways for people so that they can step through and be who they are made to be: a new creation.[8] First and foremost, though, I must live a life of devotion. “The quality of the water in the basin will have something to do with the quality of the leader’s secret inner life with God.”[9] The more I cultivate my relationship with God and discover Him in the secret place, the more authentically I am able to lead others into worship, the greater the space I am able to help create for others to experience God.

As we become more aware of what it is we are called to, who we are truly meant to be, we reflect God’s glory with ever increasing brightness. People are changed simply because we choose to worship. When we all join together in worship, when we purpose no matter where we are to worship God with wholehearted devotion, the space for encounter with God is greatly enlarged and the not-yet-believing stumble into it and find themselves in the Presence of Truth, Beauty, Royalty, and the ultimate Relationship.

And they begin to worship, become more fully human…and the Kingdom Story continues.

1. Webster.com
2. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 143
3. 1 John 4:9
4. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 148
5. ibid, 149
6. Dan Wilt, e*b wrap-up call
7. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Theology, 64
8. Dan Wilt, e*b wrap-up call
9. Dr. Peter Fitch, “Inner Living, Outer Giving” (Inside Worship Magazine, Master All), 141.

Still More Alive - e*b week 4

2009-02-05T22:25:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

This week's discussion question was another struggle. Just the magnitude of the possibilities weighed on me. I had to write a Christian "worldview." Distill all this information into a concise explanation of who I believe God to be and who I am in His Kingdom.

Concise? How?

I kept wondering how I was going to be able to put all of my thoughts into cohesive sentences and paragraphs, how I would be able to narrow down the vastness of the subject into a few measly words???

I did my usual - check out what the others are posting, look at their format, how long, what style, etc. I figure that if I can see theirs, then I can get an idea of how to write mine to conform somewhat to the status quo or at least figure out what it is the teacher "wants."

[That last bit hearkens back to school days when the grades were given more on whether you could give the teachers what they wanted (i.e. the "right answer") instead of what your true thoughts might be.]

But I couldn't come up with an essay that pulled it all together. All that kept coming to me were bits and pieces...words and phrases...of what I had read over the past few weeks, thoughts about God and His Kingdom, heaven and earth, Jesus, me, being fully alive.

As I jotted them down, they began to take shape in the form of a poem or some sort of prose. Definitely not your 5 paragraph essay.

I thought that maybe I'd take these thoughts and from there get to an essay because, goodness, no one else had just a somewhat poetic list. (Except for one fellow student who started in beautiful poetry and ended in magnificent paragraphs.)

The more I tweaked and read through what I had written, though, a growing satisfaction began to fill my heart. I pushed through the inconvenient feelings that I might not get the answer "right" to the reality that whatever my answer, it needed to be mine, however it might look.

Just before the midnight deadline, I went to my facebook classroom to post my answer, and this lightness continued to expand inside of me. I hit the "post" button and took note that I had just become more fully human. I had decided to not try to get my answer to look like someone else's (the reality is they are all so very different in content and style; there really is no such thing as "status quo"). I had allowed myself to just be me.

I think I might just have experienced increasing freedom.

Whoohoo! The corks off!

I Believe - e*b week 4

2009-02-04T23:52:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

God
Creator of the Universe
Just and True
Triune and Relational
Savior

The great “We”
No beginning and no end
Sovereign and Holy
Loving and Kind
Spirit [1]

Completely His own category [2]

He created humans in His image
And placed them in a garden
Gave them a choice to love and walk with Him forever
They chose to walk alone
To become less human

But God was not surprised
He set His plan of redemption in motion
Even while the world He created
Became broken and lost

All throughout history
He pointed the way
Through lambs and sacrifices
Covenants and blood
Towards One who was coming
To reign as King and Lord.

This One came: Jesus!
Fully God and fully man
He worked out His purpose
Found His divine vocation
Stayed connected to the Father
Guided by the Spirit [3]

He showed us what it is to be fully human
He lived life fully alive
Only doing what the Father did
Freeing the captives, opening blind eyes
Healing the sick, raising the dead

Teaching
Healing
Relating
Saving
Living
Dying
Living again

And because He lives again
The story is told [4]
How He lived
How He died
How He rose again

His resurrection is the reason we tell the story [5] [6]
The reason we are a new creation
Why we are image-bearers with a purpose
To be agents of God’s renewing-the-earth plan [7]

We are part of His Kingdom
Ever increasing, ever expanding [8]
Putting that which was wrong to right
Restoring brokenness with beauty
Releasing freedom to the captives
Exploring spirituality
Bridging gaps and forming relationships [9]

As we worship and reflect God’s glory in ever increasing brightness
We find our way back to being fully human [10]
Becoming all He’s created us to be
We become intersections of Heaven and earth
A place where the two overlap
And God is made manifest [11]

We are
SubCreators
ImageBearers
CommunityBuilders
SalvificStorytellers [12]

Living in the present
As a people called to the future
Of earth and heaven as one [13]

By the Father
Through the Son
In the Spirit

Amen

1. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Theology, 43.
2. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 67.
3. ibid, 107-108, 118-119.
4. C.S. Lewis, “Voices on Resurrection and New Creation” (Inside Worship Magazine Master All), 313.
5. Don Williams, “Cross and Resurrection” (iTunes U.)
6. 1 Corinthians 15:12-19.
7. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 191.
8. Isaiah 9:7.
9. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 189.
10. ibid, 148.
11. ibid, 132.
12. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Theology, 43.
13. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006),218.

This Course Is Hard

2009-02-02T21:16:00.000-06:00

Harder than I ever imagined it would be.

There's so much to read, watch, process...then there's the discussion questions.

Lately, they've intimidated me and I am panicking a bit. I just don't think I'm "smart enough" or something.

Stay tuned. I have to post something profound by Friday :-)

Increasing Freedom e*b week 3

2009-01-29T17:30:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

What does it really mean to be fully human? I tried to tackle that question for my class and felt I fell woefully short of even scratching the depths. You can read about it here.

Over the last several years, the Lord has been renewing my mind regarding my identity in Him, bringing freedom to the places where I've been bound up in "un-humanness."

I appreciated the readings for my class this week and the depth they have brought to my understanding of what it means to be fully human, and that being made in the image of God means I need to pursue being fully human.

I had always assumed that I needed to be less human and more God-like, as if they were two opposing ways of being. So this new slant of thinking has caused me to examine myself once again for areas where I am laboring under "shoulds" or "expectations" instead of thriving and being fully alive in every area. Then, I'm not only more God-like, I'm more human as well.

See, God created humans in His own image. And He's called me (and you) to be an image bearer...to reflect in our humanity God's characteristics. To be just, relational, spiritual, and creative...to be unified in all that we do. It is not my spirit trapped in the physical body; rather, I am a unified being, called to wholistically be an image of the Most High. [1]

God's timing has been all over this course of study. Why am I surprised at how intricately woven every detail of my life is? There are no accidents. Nothing coincidental about studying this very thing right now.

Sunday, I asked a couple of friends to pray for me. I didn't have anything specific necessarily...just knew they needed to be the ones. Amber and Bridget placed their hands on me and quietly began to pray.

And God came.

Lately, Amber has felt like she's supposed to pray for joy, deep-down-bubbling-over-belly-laughing-kind-of-joy. So she started off praying that. Then our friend Tami came over to get in on the fun. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by friends and I felt loved beyond measure.

Somewhere in there, someone began praying for more freedom to be who I am created to be, to be as crazy as God has called me to be. One person even declared that no matter how crazy I got, they'd all claim me as their friend. Now that's loyalty, seeing as they have no idea what kind of craziness God will call me to.

YES!

Then at home group last night, I got a new name:

Increasing Freedom

Sounds like God's opening the way for me to become fully human.

I'll take that.

1. Steve Robbins, The Doctrine of Man and the Worship of God (Inside Worship Magazine)

e*b week 3 - On Being Fully Human

2009-01-29T02:00:00.001-06:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

The Question:

Fully Human - What Does It Mean To Be A Human Being?

My Answer:

Being fully human means that I am an image of the Most High God. And when I worship God, when I truly focus on Him and lock my gaze with His, I am most like what He created me to be: a human.

“…because you were made in God’s image, worship makes you more truly human. When you gaze in love and gratitude at the God in whose image you were made, you do indeed grow. You discover more of what it means to be fully alive.” [1]

Several years ago when I first read Waking the Dead by John Eldridge, the concept of being fully alive completely swept me away. It was an epiphany moment, one that set my feet on the rapid track to becoming more alive, more fully human, as I embraced who God had created me to be.

Prior to that experience, a continual battle raged within me over what I thought, or had been taught, was true righteousness. I would down play any gifts or talents someone might compliment me on, make sure I was doing what I “should” be doing, and reject any lingering desires that did not fit into my perceived role at the time.

Then came aforementioned light bulb moment along with several opportunities to make choices regarding what I was going to believe to be true about God and about myself.

I began to believe that since God was the Creator, then it was okay for me to embark on artistic pursuits. I no longer squelched that desire within me to buy colorful pens, paints, paper. I allowed myself to doodle and to make art and to call myself an artist (albeit an amateur one). I allowed myself to admit that I was intelligent and smart and sometimes witty. I started to dream bigger and to see myself as God sees me.

I realized that I had been practicing a false humility, true humility being when I fully embrace who God has called me to be…to be fully human, an image of Himself.

Gentry talks about righteousness being right-relatedness to God and to myself. There is in each of us a desire to be great and to do great things. This is part of God’s image. So when I diminish what God has placed in me and hide it, not sharing with the community He’s placed me in, I’m walking in “non-right relatedness” with myself and with God. I’m losing my humanness. [2]

I’m supposed to share this image of God (myself) within my community so that I can then in turn experience the images of God around me and celebrate their humanness as well as my own. [3]

Being fully human means that I am more responsive to God [4], more like Jesus [5], a unified person [6], much more celebratory [7]. I’m full of life, and I’m life-giving.

“Of all people, we should be the most free, life and interesting.” [8] Let it be so.

1. N.T. Wright, Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 148.
2. Wilt/Gentry (Podcast: “Two Brothers on Righteousness”)
3. Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Theology: the Nature of Human Beings, 27
4. Dan Wilt, “Exploring Our Roots: The Contemporary Worship Movement” (IW Masters All), 326.
5. Fitch, “Inner Living, Outer Giving,” (IW Masters All), 141.
6. Steve Robbins, “The Doctrine of Man and the Worship of God,” (IW Masters All), 77
7. Morphew, “The Restoration of Celebration,” (IW Masters All) 113.
8. ibid, 162.

My Other Blog

2009-01-28T17:27:00.001-06:00

new post on my other blog